Unholy Charade - Jeff Crippen

Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

Author: Jeff Crippen Page 47 of 88

A Classic Abuser From the Old Testament

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On May 5, 2021

In Abusers

This passage of scripture is longer than I usually quote in a post, but it all hangs together as you will see as you read it. Here are these wicked enemies, the head honcho bearing the title of Rabshakeh, coming to Jerusalem to attack it. Godly King Hezekiah reigns in Judah and these evil ones want to turn the people against him and surrender. Hezekiah had effected far-reaching reform in Judah, destroying idolatry and purging wickedness from the nation.

As you read, you will recognize a number of classic abuser/revilier tactics that are probably quite familiar to most of you. I will just make a few comments below, and then leave it to you to comment on this wickedness yourself. Actually, I think I will just boldface the statements that jumped out at me and I will look forward to hearing your observations. The Rabshakeh, as you will see, talks just like every abuser does:

2Ki 18:17-37 And the king of Assyria sent the Tartan, the Rab-saris, and the Rabshakeh with a great army from Lachish to King Hezekiah at Jerusalem. And they went up and came to Jerusalem. When they arrived, they came and stood by the conduit of the upper pool, which is on the highway to the Washer’s Field. (18) And when they called for the king, there came out to them Eliakim the son of Hilkiah, who was over the household, and Shebnah the secretary, and Joah the son of Asaph, the recorder.

(19) And the Rabshakeh said to them, “Say to Hezekiah, ‘Thus says the great king, the king of Assyria: On what do you rest this trust of yours? (20) Do you think that mere words are strategy and power for war? In whom do you now trust, that you have rebelled against me? (21) Behold, you are trusting now in Egypt, that broken reed of a staff, which will pierce the hand of any man who leans on it. Such is Pharaoh king of Egypt to all who trust in him.

(22) But if you say to me, “We trust in the LORD our God,” is it not he whose high places and altars Hezekiah has removed, saying to Judah and to Jerusalem, “You shall worship before this altar in Jerusalem”?

(23) Come now, make a wager with my master the king of Assyria: I will give you two thousand horses, if you are able on your part to set riders on them. (24) How then can you repulse a single captain among the least of my master’s servants, when you trust in Egypt for chariots and for horsemen?

(25) Moreover, is it without the LORD that I have come up against this place to destroy it? The LORD said to me, “Go up against this land and destroy it.”’”

(26) Then Eliakim the son of Hilkiah, and Shebnah, and Joah, said to the Rabshakeh, “Please speak to your servants in Aramaic, for we understand it. Do not speak to us in the language of Judah within the hearing of the people who are on the wall.”

(27) But the Rabshakeh said to them, “Has my master sent me to speak these words to your master and to you, and not to the men sitting on the wall, who are doomed with you to eat their own dung and to drink their own urine?” (28) Then the Rabshakeh stood and called out in a loud voice in the language of Judah: “Hear the word of the great king, the king of Assyria! (29) Thus says the king: ‘Do not let Hezekiah deceive you, for he will not be able to deliver you out of my hand. (30) Do not let Hezekiah make you trust in the LORD by saying, The LORD will surely deliver us, and this city will not be given into the hand of the king of Assyria.’

(31) Do not listen to Hezekiah, for thus says the king of Assyria: ‘Make your peace with me and come out to me. Then each one of you will eat of his own vine, and each one of his own fig tree, and each one of you will drink the water of his own cistern, (32) until I come and take you away to a land like your own land, a land of grain and wine, a land of bread and vineyards, a land of olive trees and honey, that you may live, and not die. And do not listen to Hezekiah when he misleads you by saying, “The LORD will deliver us.”

(33) Has any of the gods of the nations ever delivered his land out of the hand of the king of Assyria? (34) Where are the gods of Hamath and Arpad? Where are the gods of Sepharvaim, Hena, and Ivvah? Have they delivered Samaria out of my hand? (35) Who among all the gods of the lands have delivered their lands out of my hand, that the LORD should deliver Jerusalem out of my hand?’”

(36) But the people were silent and answered him not a word, for the king’s command was, “Do not answer him.” (37) Then Eliakim the son of Hilkiah, who was over the household, and Shebna the secretary, and Joah the son of Asaph, the recorder, came to Hezekiah with their clothes torn and told him the words of the Rabshakeh.

How convoluted and wicked. How twisted and evil. Can you describe the lies the Rabshakeh is speaking? What is it that he is trying to accomplish?

Straining a Gnat to Swallow a Camel – Marriage "Laws" in Most Churches

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On May 3, 2021

In False Teaching

We all know that the Lord instructs Christians to marry Christians –

1Co 7:39 A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord.

I do not know any real Christian who does not care if they marry a Christian or non-Christian. Of course, we want a believing husband or wife.

But…

I want to point out some inconsistencies in most churches which should be glaring and obvious, but no one seems willing to admit it. Here it is:

  • Pastors and church leaders will typically insist that a Christian who is married to an abusive spouse remain married to their oppressor.
  • At the same time, these same pastors and church leaders will insist that a Christian only marry another Christian.

What, we may rightfully ask, is wrong with this picture? It is so convoluted that it is difficult to sort out. Let me begin perhaps with this:

There is widespread unbiblical teaching in local churches about who a Christian is. That is to say, people are being pronounced “Christian” who the bible very clearly teaches are not regenerate at all. Typically, all that is required is for a person to profess to be a Christian, to claim to “believe in Jesus,” and boom! He’s a brother in Christ and it is wrong to ever question his claim.

Consequently, even though a husband might habitually abuse his wife for decades, he is still going to be regarded as a Christian. After all, you know, “we are all sinners.” And further, because of this faulty gospel of “just believe and that’s all that matters,” churches will forbid marriage to anyone who hasn’t “said the words and accepted Jesus” while they will authorize a marriage to someone who “says the words and has accepted Jesus” even if that person’s life shows no real fruit of regeneration. Do you see how twisted all of this is?

I have had several Christian women who have survived horrible abuse over many years ask me if it is ever permissible before God for them to marry a non-Christian man. The case is usually that a man who does not profess to be a Christian has come along in the course of their life and is very respectful, kind, courteous, humble – everything the “Christian” they were previously married to wasn’t. What are they to do? In many cases like this the abuse survivor has nothing. She was robbed economically. Deserted. Shunned. And now here is a man who is generous and kind.

Now, for purposes of our discussion here, let me just say that I know and most all of you know that wicked people can parade as Mr. Wonderful. That great caution needs to be exercised in these situations lest the abuse survivor get duped right into still another abuser’s evil. But the cases I am speaking of are ones in which the non-Christian man has, over quite a long time, continued to show himself as genuine. Moral. Responsible. Kind. And what I want us to think about is this – If there are no real Christian men showing kindness and care for a woman who has been sorely abused, if in fact the “Christians” in her life have cast her out for divorcing her abuser, and now here is a man who is genuinely kind toward her, is it in fact a hard and fast unbreakable Law of God that she can never marry such a man?

Do you see my point? Jesus rebuked the Pharisees because they strained out a gnat and swallowed a camel. They made the law of tithing so universally binding that it ruled out mercy toward their needy parents. And Jesus also said this:

Mat 12:1-7 At that time Jesus went through the grainfields on the Sabbath. His disciples were hungry, and they began to pluck heads of grain and to eat. (2) But when the Pharisees saw it, they said to him, “Look, your disciples are doing what is not lawful to do on the Sabbath.” (3) He said to them, “Have you not read what David did when he was hungry, and those who were with him: (4) how he entered the house of God and ate the bread of the Presence, which it was not lawful for him to eat nor for those who were with him, but only for the priests? (5) Or have you not read in the Law how on the Sabbath the priests in the temple profane the Sabbath and are guiltless? (6) I tell you, something greater than the temple is here. (7) And if you had known what this means, ‘I desire mercy, and not sacrifice,’ you would not have condemned the guiltless.

Mercy, not sacrifice. MERCY. God’s Word is to be applied faithfully, but to do so requires showing mercy. His Law was not given to enslave, but for man’s benefit. And it is my conclusion that most local churches and pastors today are showing themselves to be Pharisees who apply God’s Word in such a way that mercy is thrown out the window.

Silence as a Sign of Abuse

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On April 28, 2021

In Abusers

Deu 27:24 “‘Cursed be anyone who strikes down his neighbor in secret.’ And all the people shall say, ‘Amen.’

Psa 64:2 Hide me from the secret plots of the wicked, from the throng of evildoers,

Mar 4:22 For nothing is hidden except to be made manifest; nor is anything secret except to come to light.

One sign that a person is a victim of abuse is silence. I have seen this quite often. We write it off as “well, he/she is just a very quiet person.” And while it is true that some of us are not as communicative as others, the kind of silence I am speaking of here is a remarkable silence. It is something that stands out, to which people take notice. “So and so is sooo quiet. They never talk hardly at all.” The problem is, while we see the symptom, we fail to understand its cause.

Domestic abusers (including spiritual abusers and other types of tyrants) insist upon secrecy. “What goes on here in this family stays here!” A disguised “front” is displayed in public, but that image is a facade. What really happens behind those walls is evil, and it must remain hidden. So secrecy is an aspect of an abusive system. And this means – don’t talk.

The fear that an abuser instills in his target cultivates this silence as well. Perhaps she will say something that she will be punished for. And even if she tries in the slightest way to ask others for help, she may well be accused of “disrespecting” her abuser. So there are all kinds of pressures from many different sources that produce this resolve not to speak. The victim may not even be aware of how abnormal their non-communication is. If they could see themselves in years past, before the abuse began, often they would see a healthy, outgoing, talkative person. But that person has faded into the past. Now she is silent.

I have most typically seen this dynamic in women who are being abused by their husband, but I have also known some men to evidence it too. “Have you noticed that he just doesn’t talk?” is a common observation by those who know him, but few if any of these people understand the reason for the silence. They think “it’s just him.” But very often this non-talking trait is a symptom of abuse.

Do you see how devilish this is? How cruel? if a victim is going to be able to get help, they are going to have to talk. If we are to know what is going on behind the scenes, we have to be told. But the wicked use all kinds of tactics to ensure that this telling never happens. Threats. Shaming. Accusing. Stealing one’s confidenct. Destroying the victim’s trust in their own ability to interpret what they see. It all is designed to ensure that the power and control continue, and that no one knows about it. Secrecy. Silence.

To any victim presently caught up in this bondage, let me say this. You are afraid to talk. (And that fear, by the way, is well-grounded in many ways. Not only because the abuser has made threats, but because those the victim tells about the abuse normally become a loose cannon causing even more grief for her). But let me say this to anyone in an abusive marriage or other toxic relationship that insists you just shut up – you can begin talking by talking to the Lord. He will never respond in a wrong way. He, in fact, already knows all about what is happening to you. And in His providence, He is able to direct you to help and freedom.

Exodus: Getting Free of "the Family"

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On April 26, 2021

In Family/Children

Mat 10:34-39 “Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. (35) For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. (36) And a person’s enemies will be those of his own household. (37) Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. (38) And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. (39) Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

Families are meant for our good. Husband, wife, father, mother, son, daughter, sister, brother – and extended family as well – grandparents, aunts and uncles, and so on. A home is a family, parents and their children – who love and care for one another. But there comes a time in our lives when we are to “leave father and mother” and cleave to a husband or wife and begin still another family.

I want to talk to you here about this matter of leaving and how, in a sinful and fallen world, the enemy and his servants often twist that which God intended for our good into an enslaving “Egypt” that the Lord set Israel free from.

On several occasions over the years, I have, as I have written about before, experienced both patriarchal and matriarchal kingdoms which demand to possess power and control over family members. A father, for example, demanding that his wife and children serve him – forever. Or a mother who twists love for children into an ownership which refuses to let them leave and be the person the Lord would have them be. And woe to anyone who encourages the target of this thing to leave.

I have probably shared with you before a striking example of this I experienced, but here it is again. A young man, still living at home, asked if he could meet with me and talk about his future. What he should do with his life. What career he should choose. I gladly met with him and in the course of our conversation I threw some ideas out for him to think about. One of those suggestions was that he look into joining the coast guard. He had shown interest in first responder type careers and we live in a place where the coast guard is one of those very vital agencies. He responded positively and thank me for the idea.

A few days later I learned that his father had thrown an angry fit when the son mentioned the coast guard idea. In fact, he was so angry that he set out to do damage to me and the ministry here. He went to other church members and told them it was terrible that I dared to suggest such a thing to his son. Why do you think he was so enraged? I can tell you. He was a father who demanded a lifetime of power and control. His children, no matter their age, were his property with the mission of serving him, and he would punish any step toward freedom they might evidence.

In another case, a parent exploded in anger over the Scripture verses quoted above. Though a professing Christian, she “owned” her children and they were never to leave “the family.” She pressured them and guilted and shamed them if they showed any sign of independence. Of course, her actions merely served to drive them away, but nevertheless the children still had to struggle with the sense of bondage that was instilled in them by her.

These scenarios are certain signs of familial abuse. God, in His design for our lives, has told us:

Gen 2:24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

Unless children, as they grow up, are allowed to “spread their wings” over time and eventually leave father and mother in order to pursue their own life and goals and relationships, God’s design is not being followed and no good will come of it. A parent who demands perpetual power and control over their sons and daughters, that power and control even extending to the next generation – the grandchildren and even great grandchildren – may disguise this lust as “love,” but it is anything but love. It is a selfish demand for self-glory at terrible expense to those enslaved by it.

These abusive family systems are often encouraged and enabled by “christian” individuals and entities. The family is promoted in such a way that it becomes an idol. The father, in a patriarchal system, is to be served by all and the dynamic is very similar in a matriarchal kingdom. Such families are promoted and put forward to us as models for us to emulate, being supposedly God’s design and will. But that is a lie.

I know many survivors of these abusive families who have been freed from this tyrrany. They all relate how it took a very long time for them to clearly see what an abusive father or mother was doing to them. In most cases the end result is a no-contact “relationship.” Once they drew firm boundaries, they became familial black sheep cast out of the flock. But they will tell you something else – the freedom is absolutely worth it.

A One-Year Later Report on our Friend Mack

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On April 24, 2021

In Blog News

As most of you know, one year ago our good friend and longtime faithful elder here at Christ Reformation Church was seriously striken with a life-threatening illness. Now, one long year later, Mack and Rite are able to give us this report:

Today is the 1 year anniversary of when the ambulance came and took Mack to the hospital! He was non responsive, and  I didn’t know what was the matter.  He looked out the back of the ambulance,  then laid his head down and  thought “I’m looking for your face Lord”
As we reflect on all the surgeries and procedures he’s been through, all the recovery stages, we are thankful for the prayers of the saints, and for the steady progress  he has made. We are thankful for the faithfulness of God❣️
Today he is able to walk without a walker or cane, able to eat
again, and finally last Sunday able to attend church! It is a joy and blessing!
Going forward we are placing our faith in Christ, knowing He is in control of all things❣️
Praying for a full recovery, and we are STILL looking for His face 


Love in Christ,
Mack & Rite

Mack and Rite last Sunday at CRC, their first Sunday back in a year. And that, of course, is Vickie photobombing! Ha!

THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR FAITHFUL PRAYERS.

Still More About Background Checks

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On April 21, 2021

In Churches/Church Response

As some of you have correctly pointed out in your comments on the previous post on this subject, a background check is not going to catch all sociopaths, psychopaths, pedophiles and so on. This is important to know. For example, I know a case in which a man was convicted of multiple counts of molesting children and yet, because he committed the atrocity prior to requirements that sex offenders must be registered, a check of such a registry is not going to show his record. Others of course have never been caught and convicted.

However, what concerns me is that many people who have raised the objection “it won’t do any good…it would not have discovered my abuser”…go on to say “therefore, it is a waste of time.” Underneath many of these kinds of objections is some kind of mentality that says “Christians ought not to be so untrusting. This is a lack of faith. This will offend people.”

Well, as an illustration, does your doctor look at your medical history when you go to a new physician? Does your doctor run medical tests which may not always reveal what ails you? Of course. Does this mean he shouldn’t do those tests or look at those records?

If you were go apply for a job – say as a police officer – you are going to be fingerprinted and your prints run against a national registry. There is going to be a background investigation. Do all of these checks guarantee that a criminal will never be hired as a police officer? Of course not. Does that mean we shouldn’t do them?

Does such a policy in a church offend some people? Yes! Does such a policy cause some people to never come back? Yes! Should we suspend a background check policy because of this? No! Because, let me tell you, EVERY background check works! “What? you say? Every one?” Yes. This policy accomplishes several things:

  • Some sex offenders and other criminals will be discovered by it
  • Merely informing would-be church members of this practice will weed out people who refuse to acknowledge that evil exists and that “God loves everyone” and so should we
  • Practicing such a policy discovers arrogance and/or ignorance in a person
  • Investigating the background of a newcomer communicates to wise people that we truly care about the safety of the flock
  • Practicing such a policy puts the wicked on notice that this is a church that intends to expose and expel evil (ie, “we are wise to your kind, buddy!”)

And those are just SOME of the benefits.

Let me ask you this. Do you think that we are obligated before God to welcome EVERYONE into our church? Think carefully about this. A church that looks into a person’s church background, criminal history background, etc., is a church that intends to refuse entry to some people! Now, hold that up against Scripture. Does the Bible tell us that we are to refuse to allow some people to be among us? Of course. For example:

1Co 5:11-13 But now I am writing to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of brother if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed, or is an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or swindler—not even to eat with such a one. (12) For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Is it not those inside the church whom you are to judge? (13) God judges those outside. “Purge the evil person from among you.”

Now, how are you going to discover such things about a person if you do not investigate? Is it not best to head things off right at the church doors before a pedophile is caught molesting your children in Sunday school class? PURGE the evil person from among you.

You can perhaps begin to understand still another reason why I have been spending time at length in the Wednesday Bible study online examining the habitually repeated statement, “God loves everyone.” That false gospel throws open all safeguards in a church, allows evil to walk right in the door, puts the devil’s servants into “ministry” positions, and throws the lambs to the wolf.

And therefore I conclude with this: The question is not why Christ Reformation Church does background checks and investigations on newcomers – the question is, why aren’t all churches doing this?

I can guarantee you absolutely that if we discover an evil person attempting to come into our church, or if we discover one among us who has been hiding behind a disguise, and when we then expel such a person and that person goes down the road to another “church,” the pastor of that church is never going to contact me! And if I try to warn that pastor, he is NOT going to listen to me (so I don’t even try anymore). So, have you found in your trials as an abuse victim that “church” is not a safe place? Well, this is largely the reason why.

Let's Talk More About Background Checks

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On April 21, 2021

In Churches/Church Response

1Jn 4:1 Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, for many false prophets have gone out into the world.

There is nothing “Christian” or “loving” about naively welcoming a person in among Christ’s flock, knowing nothing more about them than what they tell you. And yet this is the common practice in the local churches. Some years ago, for example, a young couple I know visited a church and subsequently continued to attend it. Within just a very short time, they were asked to take a turn on a regular basis in the church nursery. That church really knew nothing about them at all. I knew another man who also began attending another local church and in just two months he was asked to be a deacon!

Now, I want to ask you – what is Christlike and “loving” about this? About putting people who we don’t really know at all into such positions of trust? Of entrusting them even with our children? And yet when I tell people that in our church we do not receive people into formal membership until they have been with us for a year, and that we perform background checks – particularly if a person is going to be working in some capacity with children – when I tell people this, they recoil! They can’t believe it. Furthermore, we contact the church or churches that a person has attended before coming to our church. And guess what? Same reaction. Surprise. Amazement. And accusations of being “unloving” because we don’t just take the person’s word for it, superstitiously maintaining that Christian love means some kind of spiritual free-for-all.

Our old friend Matthew Henry says this about the scripture quoted above:

God has given of his Spirit in these latter ages of the world, but not to all who profess to come furnished therewith; to the disciples is allowed a judgment of discretion, in reference to the spirits that would be believed and trusted in the affairs of religion.

You all know enough about the wicked, about sociopaths and psychopaths and narcissists, to know that they are masters of disguise. I have piles of letters and emails from victims of this kind telling about how their abuser is a chief figure in a local church, regarded as an eminently godly saint, a quoter of masses of Bible verses, holding various leadership positions in the church, and so on. And yet they are servants of the devil.

Now, I have had people object to any kind of background checks being done. They say, for instance, that such an investigation is not going to do any good. It won’t expose the wicked consistently because not all of these people have ever been arrested. I know that. But what I also know is by merely making it known that we will perform a background check on anyone who comes to our church and intends to join us, weeds out many evil people. We never have to do the check because they leave.

But more than an official background check through one of the many online services, there is the exercise of common sense in contacting the previous church or churches a person has attended. Now, once again, I know full well that taking this step will not always provide truthful information. In fact, I have found that most pastors will lie to me about the person. They will give a glowing report and we find out later after going through much grief caused by the person, that this pastoral recommendation was false. But once again, merely telling a person that we will contact their previous church serves a purpose. NOTE: I am also wise to the fact that a pastor or church may give a negative report regarding an abuse victim who they themselves have further abused and oppressed or even put out of their church. But such a report will tell me that the victim’s account of what happened to him/her is true.

Think about this some more. Do you realize that local churches will very often appoint a man, for example, to the office of elder, to a position of overseeing and teaching the church, without ever looking into that person’s background! They will not even contact the pastor of the person’s former church. Is it really then any wonder that predators just love churches as their chosen arena for evil?

Rev 2:2 “‘I know your works, your toil and your patient endurance, and how you cannot bear with those who are evil, but have tested those who call themselves apostles and are not, and found them to be false.

Rom 16:18 For such persons do not serve our Lord Christ, but their own appetites, and by smooth talk and flattery they deceive the hearts of the naive.

Pro 14:15 The simple believes everything, but the prudent gives thought to his steps.

Most churches, if they even go this far, assume that the only thing they need to examine is a person’s statement of doctrine. They will ask a potential member, for instance, if they accept the doctrinal statement of the church and if the person affirms that they do, well then case closed – the person has been examined and into the flock he or she comes. Even common sense however tells us that even the devil himself could swear that he believes in Christ! He knows Christ is the Son of God. He knows God is a Trinity. He knows what the gospel is. And yet he is the devil! Therefore, if we are wise –

Mat 7:15-20 “Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves. (16) You will recognize them by their fruits. Are grapes gathered from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? (17) So, every healthy tree bears good fruit, but the diseased tree bears bad fruit. (18) A healthy tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a diseased tree bear good fruit. (19) Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. (20) Thus you will recognize them by their fruits.

Understand? This “fruit” is not just what they claim with their mouth. No, it is the fruit of their life. Of their person. Of the heart of who they really are. Outwardly – a sheep. But inwardly are ravenous wolves. In other words, we are to examine the very heart of who a person is and we are able to do so by looking at what their life has been producing. Is it the fruit of the Spirit? Or the deeds of the flesh? And you are never going to get to the heart of the matter by merely taking a person’s word for it or looking at the whitewashed tomb exterior they wear. You must be wise about evil You must know about how the enemy’s agents operate and what are the telltale signs of wickedness. Sometimes you can spot the facade quickly. Other times it can take much longer.

1Ti 5:22-25 Do not be hasty in the laying on of hands, nor take part in the sins of others; keep yourself pure. (23) (No longer drink only water, but use a little wine for the sake of your stomach and your frequent ailments.) (24) The sins of some people are conspicuous, going before them to judgment, but the sins of others appear later. (25) So also good works are conspicuous, and even those that are not cannot remain hidden.

I’m not sure that drinking a little wine enables us to better spot evil! But you see Paul’s main point here – if we naively and foolishly and carelessly welcome people among us and even appoint them to church offices or other positions, and they are a wolf in disguise, then we share in their sins. We contribute to the abuse of the flock. And this discernment takes time.

When I was a police officer and a new person came in among us, in uniform just like ours, fresh out of the academy, he/she was not immediately embraced and trusted. You had to prove yourself. We had to see if this person was someone we could trust. Who would stand with us against lawbreakers. Who showed a willingness to learn. But when I became a pastor, I came into a setting where all such caution was rejected. “Everyone Welcome Here” is the sign most churches post. I suppose that means they would welcome the devil himself?!

Act 15:22-23 Then it seemed good to the apostles and the elders, with the whole church, to choose men from among them and send them to Antioch with Paul and Barnabas. They sent Judas called Barsabbas, and Silas, leading men among the brothers, (23) with the following letter: “The brothers, both the apostles and the elders, to the brothers who are of the Gentiles in Antioch and Syria and Cilicia, greetings.

1Co 16:3 And when I arrive, I will send those whom you accredit by letter to carry your gift to Jerusalem.

2Th 3:17 I, Paul, write this greeting with my own hand. This is the sign of genuineness in every letter of mine; it is the way I write.

See it? Letters. References. And even those had to be regarded with caution because some deceivers would forge Paul’s signature!!

We have a duty before the Lord to be very careful and diligent in regard to watching over His church. And one chief responsibility is that of guarding against evildoers who would creep in and abuse the sheep. Any so-called shepherd in a local church who lazily and with cowardice exercises the “why can’t we all just love one another and get along” philosophy is going to give an account one day to the Chief Shepherd.

Let's Think Some More about What it Means to Have no Conscience

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On April 19, 2021

In Abusers

Blessed is the man against whom the LORD counts no iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no deceit. For when I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was dried up as by the heat of summer. Selah. I acknowledged my sin to you, and I did not cover my iniquity; I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the LORD,” and you forgave the iniquity of my sin. Selah. (Psalms 32:2-5)

The human conscience is a powerful thing. It is a powerful thing in the life of the Christian. As David found out when he sinned, the Lord uses our conscience to put a heavy hand upon us when we sin. So intense is the Lord’s working through our conscience that under His conviction we are without strength, dried up, like a man lost in the heat of the desert. The only remedy is genuine repentance and confession of sin, and then God’s forgiveness. Notice then that the truly repentant person can feel that forgiveness, in contrast to the heavy misery of a convicted conscience.
This is a powerful truth to hold onto when you come under temptation. Sin tells us that we can indulge ourselves and enjoy it. But the fact is, as David and myriads of Christians have found, when a Christian yields and sins, if there is any enjoyment at all it is over in seconds. Then comes that terrible heat of conscience. The heavy hand of the Lord driving us to confession and repentance. It is a miserable thing. Day and night. Day and night. You wake up at 3AM with a knot in your gut and your sin right before you. You cannot concentrate. You have done wrong and you know and feel that wrongness. So don’t be duped by temptation. If you are a real Christian, you cannot enjoy sin. It just won’t work.
Now, as most all of you know, the person we call an abuser has little or no conscience. He can play the holy saint outwardly, then all the while inwardly and out of sight he lives in wickedness. Think about this. He has no conscience, or a seared conscience (they are pretty much the same thing). If you have ever felt the intensity of misery that a violated conscience can bring, then just mull over the fact that the abuser can do what he does — abuse — and experience no pangs of conscience. He can sleep at night. In fact he even delights in his evil. He feeds on it. It is sweet to him.
Think about this. Dwell on it. The thing is incredible. It shows us the degree of the evil we are dealing with in this abuse thing. Here is a person who can do incredible wickedness against his own wife (who has hated his own flesh? as Paul says), and not only does it not bother him, but when he sees her suffering, he rejoices in it. He is energized by it.
Do you understand? Most professing Christians and pastors do not. This is evil. These are the evil people who most certainly are in this world. If we fail to understand the depth of their wickedness, the conscienceless nature of their minds, and if we instead assume they are like us, then we are going to go miserably wrong and we will be duped by them. We will think we can fix them. We will feel sorry for them. But Scripture tells us their true nature:

But these people, like irrational animals—creatures of instinct born to be caught and destroyed—speak blasphemies about things they don’t understand, and in their destruction they too will be destroyed, suffering harm as the payment for unrighteousness. They consider it a pleasure to carouse in the daytime. They are spots and blemishes, delighting in their deceptions as they feast with you. They have eyes full of adultery and are always looking for sin. They seduce unstable people and have hearts trained in greed.  (2 Peter 2:12-14a HCSB)

So we must know what we are dealing with. We must believe what God’s Word tells us about the reality of evil around us and particularly as it creeps in amongst us in the local church.
And largely, “we” (the visible, professing Christian church), do not.

A New Book by Cindy Burrell – Reformulating the Christian Marriage Counseling Model Where Abuse is Involved

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On April 18, 2021

In Blog News

Our friend Cindy Burrell has published a new book which is available on Amazon here*

This is the back cover description –

In the years since I began working with abuse victims, I have been shocked – and at times horrified – by the accounts victims have shared regarding their Christian marriage counseling experiences. Coupled with my own history, it is sadly apparent that many abuse victims have been ignored, abandoned, and even excommunicated from their churches for acknowledging the toxic, ungodly nature of their spouses and refusing to accomodate abuse in their homes.

It is time to take an in-depth look at the common Christian marriage counseling model, identify its weaknesses and present a new model based upon biblical truth and common sense – a model that acknowledges that victims matter, and abuse should never be tolerated in God’s sacred institution of marriage.

Thank you, Cindy, for your work in writing this new tool. May the Lord bless it to His purposes and glory.

*Unholy Charade is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for website owners to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking Amazon.com and affiliated sites.  See additional information here.

Listen to Me! – A Common Demand of Abusers

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On April 13, 2021

In Abusers

2Co 11:20 For you bear it if someone makes slaves of you, or devours you, or takes advantage of you, or puts on airs, or strikes you in the face.

One of the worst abusers I have ever known, a man who caused all kinds of grief with many attempts to portray himself as the finest saint we ever met and yet worked tirelessly and by nature to enslave those around him, was heard to say more than once, “you didn’t listen to me! All these bad things have happened because you wouldn’t listen to me!”

This of course is a common trait of this kind of wicked person – he or she demands to be obeyed. We all need to step back and take a long look at what is going on whenever we find ourselves constantly wondering, “What will Joe say about this?” “What would Jesus say?” gets replaced with Joe. It sneaks up on us and usually we aren’t aware of just how much of this is going on.

Years ago in our church a very wicked sin was committed and how to handle it was not an easy matter. Ultimately we chose a course which I still know was the right one and what the Lord would have us do. Not everyone was happy (“everyone” never is), and there were various kinds of fallout. Some months later in a meeting, this man in his arrogance and anger because he had not been obeyed, said “If you had done what I told you, none of this would have happened. But you wouldn’t listen to me.” He was right in a sense. If we had listened to his demands, none of the positive outcome of obeying the Lord would have happened!

The level of wicked arrogance in these kind is incredible as you think it over. Here was a man who would gladly look at a pastor, elders, godly grey-hared church members, and tell them all, “Listen to me! You should have listened to me!” Let that soak in. What level of evil does such a thing require? It is designed to revile. The abuser is a reviler. He villifies, ie, makes his target the villain. The Lord says plainly that revilers will not inherit the kingdom of God and we are not to even eat with such a person, let alone permit them to be among us in the church.

1Co 5:11-13 But now I am writing to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of brother if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed, or is an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or swindler—not even to eat with such a one. (12) For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Is it not those inside the church whom you are to judge? (13) God judges those outside. “Purge the evil person from among you.”

I am sure that every domestic abuse victim has heard this rhetoric a bajillion times. “Listen to me! You should have done what I told you! Now this is all your fault!”

I have also seen this same type of arrogance revelaing itself often in people who contact me and say they are looking for a church to attend. Sometimes of course those questions are genuine and come from real Christians who are frustrated by not being able to find a group of true Christians to fellowship with. But my red flags start going up when someone right off presents themselves as a real authority on theology, a follower of….(you fill in the famous preacher names), and evidence a lot of Bible “verbage” (christianese as I call it). There are more warning signs too but in the end I just realize that they leave me with an uneasy feeling.

So I test them.

I tell them, for instance, that one of our church’s important missions is to help domestic abuse victims and expose abusers. I advise them to read one of my books to understand more about us. If one of their favorites is the kind whose teaching oppresses abuse victims (ie, “no divorce for abuse”) I point out that person’s error. I tell them that our church requires that someone be with us for about a year before we would consider them becoming a voting member, and that we require a background check for people who attend regularly here in order to protect children and others.

Guess what happens?

In every case of a person of this kind, I know that the inevitable scathing email response will be forthcoming. It always is. How dare we require a background check – Jesus would never require such a thing! (Hmmm, “Test the spirits to see if they are of God, for many false spirits have gone out…). How dare we be so divisive as to be critical of a preacher who simply holds a different point of view than us on divorce for abuse. And in all of this verbage, they ooze accusation and guilting, exalting themselves. “You need to listen to me!”

One of the most common pieces of wisdom that the Lord gives us and which we have suffered very much for many years because we were not wise in this way, is that we are not to quickly trust people just because they claim to be a Christian. In my early years of being a pastor, I was foolish in this regard many times. We wanted to see the church grow. We wanted people to come and to hear and to be saved. So we too readily believed, accepted, invited, and ….suffered the consequences of evil coming in among us.

Many pastors and church members and “church experts” would call us too rigid, too hard, and unloving for these safeguards we have in place. But I can tell you this – failing to exercise these wise cautions in the past resulted in years of trouble, division, and evil creeping in among us. If those “church experts” and others would be honest, they would admit that their system in fact produces counterfeits and trouble. But they aren’t honest and I don’t look for them to be.

I know that probably the majority of people who learn about our practice and realize that no, we aren’t going to listen to them (ha! a demand that we listen to them when we don’t even know them!!), are going to be done with us.

And I consider that a win. We wouldn’t listen to them. We listened to the Lord.

1Jn 2:19 They went out from us, but they were not of us; for if they had been of us, they would have continued with us. But they went out, that it might become plain that they all are not of us.

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