Unholy Charade - Jeff Crippen

Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

Author: Jeff Crippen Page 1 of 82

Beware the Trap of Bitterness

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On November 19, 2024

In Counseling

Eph 4:31  Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.

Being a target of a RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) carries with it a danger which the victim can easily fall into if not on guard against it. That trap is bitterness.

Bitterness is an attitude, a mindset, which perceives the words and actions of others with a sourness. Bitterness attributes bad motives to others. It is a mindset that assumes and presumes that someone whose intentions are in fact good, are meant for the bitter person’s harm.

Most of you, perhaps, have had the unpleasant experience of dealing with a bitter person. You had nothing but noble intentions toward them. Your motives were upright and meant for their good. But then, seemingly out of the blue, their demeanor toward you changed. There was a tone of suspicion now in their words and the relationship soured, eventually ending.

What happens in those cases? Well, a bitter person’s mind habitually goes to an assumption that your words, actions, kindnesses, all have some sinister motive behind them. One such case that I experienced began it seemed, very well. I genuinely wanted to be kind and to help a person who had been a victim of domestic abuse. But eventually, their tone changed. The person started asking me questions that had a tone of accusation in them. Things kept deteriorating until the relationship crashed. When this happens, we are left wondering – “what did I do?”

Another bad experience I had was with a person in the church over 3 decades ago. From day one when I arrived as pastor, this person had a distrustful, unkind, accusatory attitude toward me. Nothing I could do would mend things. A month or so later, her adult son approached me and said “we all know that my mother is a bitter person. But we just accept and love her as she is.” It turns out that she had a history of failed relationships and became increasingly bitter. The reality was that my intentions were to work with her, help her in her responsibilities, and to be a friend. But all of that proved to be impossible.

You do not want to become that kind of person! We rightly desire justice for wrongs and evils done against us – but a hunger and thirst for righteousness is not bitterness. Bitterness will sabotage all of our relationships if we become a bitter person. And that is very, very sad. I genuinely feel pity for people trapped in bitterness. There really is no helping them.

Just Who is a Christian Anyway?

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On November 12, 2024

In Churches/Church Response

1Jn 2:4-6 Whoever says “I know him” but does not keep his commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him, (5) but whoever keeps his word, in him truly the love of God is perfected. By this we may know that we are in him: (6) whoever says he abides in him ought to walk in the same way in which he walked.

One of the biggest plagues infecting the visible Christian church today is this – willful ignorance regarding who a genuine Christian is. Wrong answers are being given because man’s traditions are reigning as the source of doctrine rather than the Bible. In most local churches, a Christian is anyone who says they are. And this lie is responsible for permitting wolves to hide among the sheep, all the while devouring those who really do belong to Christ.

It is not difficult to answer the question. Who is a Christian? Let’s have God’s Word answer:

1Jn 2:9-11 Whoever says he is in the light and hates his brother is still in darkness. (10) Whoever loves his brother abides in the light, and in him there is no cause for stumbling. (11) But whoever hates his brother is in the darkness and walks in the darkness, and does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded his eyes.

1Jn 2:29 If you know that he is righteous, you may be sure that everyone who practices righteousness has been born of him.

1Jn 3:8-10 Whoever makes a practice of sinning is of the devil, for the devil has been sinning from the beginning. The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the works of the devil. (9) No one born of God makes a practice of sinning, for God’s seed abides in him; and he cannot keep on sinning, because he has been born of God. (10) By this it is evident who are the children of God, and who are the children of the devil: whoever does not practice righteousness is not of God, nor is the one who does not love his brother.

Mat 7:17-20 So, every healthy tree bears good fruit, but the diseased tree bears bad fruit. (18) A healthy tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a diseased tree bear good fruit. (19) Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. (20) Thus you will recognize them by their fruits.

And we could go on and on. Merely saying “I am a Christian, I believe in Jesus,” is not enough. Prove it. Where is the good fruit? If the person’s life is characterized by sin, if a man for example (or a woman) is habitually abusing their spouse, that person is not born again. The fruit exposes the real nature of the heart.

Think about Jesus’ words – you must be born again. BORN again. Made a new person, a new creation. Old man put to death in Christ, and a new person raised. Radical change. An entirely different mindset. And yet, most local churches are enslaved to this lie that we must believe someone is a Christian because they say they are a Christian and it is wrong to “judge” them. Yet Jesus tells us to examine the fruit.

Church members who are walking in sin (like that evil man in the church at Corinth, see I Corinthians 5), are regularly excused with at best stupid mantras like “well, you know, we are all sinners.” Or “we must not judge.” Those statements are lies which deny God’s own Word and permit evil people to walk among the saints. God’s instruction to us is not unclear:

1Co 5:11-13 But now I am writing to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of brother if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed, or is an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or swindler—not even to eat with such a one. (12) For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Is it not those inside the church whom you are to judge? (13) God judges those outside. “Purge the evil person from among you.”

Are there people in your local church who are “so-called” Christians, who are characterized by reviling (a biblical word for the abuser), then why is the church associating with them? Why is the church serving them the Lord’s table? Why are they not being purged from among the saints?” More often than we would like to think, it is because many of the members of the church – even many pastors and elders – are only “so-called” brethren themselves. It is by no means a rare scenario wherein even most of a local church membership is unconverted.

If God’s Word is faithfully preached, the real nature of church members will be exposed. Darkness hates the light. The children of the devil hate Christ’s true people. They will do all they can to silence the ministry of the Word and if that doesn’t work, they will do just as John said:

1Jn 2:19 They went out from us, but they were not of us; for if they had been of us, they would have continued with us. But they went out, that it might become plain that they all are not of us.

And THAT is true church growth!

Cults, Tyrants, Lying Media, and RASN’s Have this in Common

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On November 8, 2024

In Counseling, Getting Free

But the serpent said to the woman, “You will not surely die. For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate, and she also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate. (Genesis 3:4-6)

A very common tactic of evil is to use lies to instill fear in people whom that evil craves to control. The thing is Satanic, as you can see in the scripture quoted above. Satan lies and he does so not only to deceive, but to deceive and manipulate through fear.

This object of this fear, that is to say – the persons who this deception causes victims to fear – are the very people who have the welfare of the victim at heart. God, for example, forbade Adam and Eve from eating of that tree. And He did so for their good – so that they would know that life comes from obeying Him, and death from rebelling against Him. He created all things for their good.

Satan, knowing this, set out to brainwash Adam and Eve. He lied and convinced them that God did not have their welfare in mind, but in fact was keeping them back from something good. They fell for the deception and the rest is sad history.

This alienation of victims from those people who desire their welfare is a typical and fundamental tactic of the wicked. To alienate. To instill fear of the very people who should not be feared. That is why, for instance, the domestic abuser will very commonly work to alienate and distance the victim from friends and family. The abuser will perhaps move the family far away from the victim’s support group. He will strictly control all communication with those people. He will lie to the victim, working to convince her that he alone is to be trusted.

We have seen this evil mechanism at work in the political arena. Lying people who crave power and control work energetically through their propaganda media to convince their target that a virtual apocalypse will take place if the opposition is elected to office. And when that opponent is elected, what have we seen? Absolute melt-downs in terrified people who have been so brain-washed that they just know the end of the world is at hand. I feel empathy for such people because they really are terrified. And I feel rage for those who instilled that fear in them simply because they lusted for power and control.

If you have ever tried to help a victim of domestic abuse, as an example, then you may have encountered this exact barrier in the victim. Some have been so propagandized by their abuser that they will not trust you. I have had them look at me and say, “he is my hero.” They really have been convinced of it. There certainly must be some real parallels between this kind of control and that exercised upon members of a cult, so that “de-programming” is necessary. It surely must be very similar to what Hebrews describes:

Since therefore the children share in flesh and blood, he himself likewise partook of the same things, that through death he might destroy the one who has the power of death, that is, the devil, and deliver all those who through fear of death were subject to lifelong slavery. (Heb 2:14-15)

Fear of death resulting in lifelong slavery.

This makes me think of an animal caught in one of those metal leg traps. You come across it in the woods and you want to set it free. But there is a problem – the animal is terribly scared of you and won’t let you close. You have its freedom and life as your goal, but it is in bondage to the one who trapped it and wants to kill it.

It really is, then, the truth that will set us free. The victim of domestic abuse absolutely must come to see the truth – that in fact the real enemy is the abuser, not those who desire to help her. For the persons who desire to see her set free, the wait for this awakening can be a very difficult time.

The Damaging Dissonance of the Abuser

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On November 5, 2024

In Abusers

“Their throat is an open grave; they use their tongues to deceive.” “The venom of asps is under their lips.” “Their mouth is full of curses and bitterness.” (Rom 3:13-14)

One of the most painful missiles which RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists) launch at others derives its evil energy from what I am calling “dissonance.” In music, dissonance is “a mingling of sounds that strike the ear harshly : a mingling of discordant sounds.” A lack, in other words, of harmony. Harmony is pleasing to the ear. Dissonance is not. Usually in music, dissonance is resolved into harmony.

But when it comes to the RASN’s dissonance, there is never real resolution. Let me explain.

RASNs so often use a disguise. They are the great pretenders. On the one hand they speak harmonious words which resonate as kindness in our ears. Then in an instant, dissonance! Harsh, bitter, accusing, unkind. And here is the thing – this dissonance is confusing. It is unpleasant and hurtful, but worse – it confuses us. Because here is a person who, perhaps even moments before, spoke kindly, giving us the impression they love us, and then seemingly as if a switch goes off, is now attacking us.

This dissonance causes us to question ourselves. To wonder what in the world we have done to cause this. The harsh words typically make us not only feel accused, but to think that we are guilty of the accusation. Because, after all, are they not coming from someone who we think is a friend?

It is very, very helpful to recognize this dissonance for what it is. When we are in relationship with someone who is habitually (on occasion WE can be dissonant) … who is habitually dissonant in their words and actions toward us, then we are dealing with a pretender. The mask is on, then the mask is off. On. Then Off. But when we are dealing with a person whose words and actions are harmonious, that is a sign of a healthy, non-toxic person.

A True Church is a Place Where Christ is Present and Where Christ Speaks to His People

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On October 29, 2024

In Churches/Church Response

And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near. (Hebrews 10:24-25)

Virtually all of you whom I have had communication with are people who – to my knowledge – truly desire to have fellowship with Christ’s people. But it has grown increasingly difficult to find Christ’s people, hasn’t it? Many of you have told me how you have searched and searched for a real church where Christ is truly present and His Word is truly preached and practiced. But to your frustration, you have come up empty. This is not because you are one of those narrow, picky, everything-must-be-an-exact-match type individuals. But because you want to be in a fellowship of real believers who love Christ and one another and love His Word and strive to be holy and who will not permit evil to exist in their midst.

Think of the verse I cited above. What is the expected result when a Christian fellowships in a real church? You are stirred up to love and good works. You are encouraged. Your faith and hope are strengthened because you watch more and more for Christ’s return.

Now, think about all of this. If I go to a supposed church and I am DIS-couraged, where I do not find myself “stirred up” to serve the Lord Jesus more and to love Him and His people more, and to do His good works more, then what in the world is going on? I can tell you. Christ is not present. The thing looks like a Christian church, but it really isn’t – or at least it is a very sick one. The primary illness in such places is a famine of the Word of God preached. The preacher may claim to be preaching God’s Word, he may be quoting some scripture verses, but so often what is really happening is man’s word is being preached. Tradition, not the Word.

And this famine of the Word of God has terrible effects. It builds a counterfeit church consisting of counterfeit “christians.” When you are in the midst of the counterfeit, nothing good is going to happen. You will be exposed to anything from Pharisaism and its harsh judgments to rank liberalism that denies the fundamentals of the gospel. These things often present themselves in very confusing disguise, so they sneak up on you and make you think that you are the problem.

And, once more I say, this is why our church here has continued to invite Christ’s people to join us, even if you live far away. We have been very blessed by numbers of people who have come to consider us their church and to be regarded as part of the body of Christ here. I talk to them almost every week. Some even travel here to meet us face to face and this is a great encouragement to all.

We are not to neglect to meet together with the saints. But this gathering is with the saints. Just because you might be physically present in a local church in a face-to-face setting, does not mean you are gathering together with one another, ie, with the saints. In fact I maintain that nothing good comes from fellowshipping in a counterfeit place that has a form of godliness but denies its real power.

If you are the kind of discouraged Christian I am describing here, our invitation goes out to you. All you need do is let me know and you will be welcome. And by the way, have I ever mentioned to you that there are only two kinds of people who are welcome in Christ’s church? Think about it. First, genuine Christians. People who are born again through faith alone in Christ alone. The real deal. And second, people who sense the Lord is calling them, perhaps even bringing them under a real conviction of sin and their need of salvation. People who want to hear about Christ and this free offer of salvation He died to procure for all who believe in Him.

But hypocrites, fakes, counterfeits, wolves – need not apply.

Can You ‘Love’ Your Abuser into Repentance?

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On October 22, 2024

In Counseling

If favor is shown to the wicked, he does not learn righteousness; in the land of uprightness he deals corruptly and does not see the majesty of the LORD. (Isaiah 26:10)

A normal, non-toxic person responds positively to kindness shown to them. They are thankful. They want to show kindness in return. This is how we think and how we respond to kindness shown.

But here is where we go wrong. We believe that surely everyone thinks and responds just as we do. And that is a trap. It is not being wise to imagine that a wicked person such as a RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) thinks and reacts just like we do. One of the first steps in waking up to these evils is to realize that RASN’s are not wired normally.

Now, certainly we “normals” are capable of sin. There are times when kindness is shown to us and we do not respond with thankfulness. We can be inconsiderate. BUT, look again at the Psalmist’s statement about the wicked. If favor is shown to him/her, he does not learn righteousness. In other words, this is characteristic of the RASN. It is who he is. When kindness is shown to him, he only continues in his wickedness. He does not learn, even in the slightest amount, what is right. His currency is corruption.

We need to learn this truth very, very well. You cannot ‘win’ your abuser by showering him with kindness. The RASN is not going to change in reaction to you resolving to love him more. That is not how he is wired. In fact, I can tell you what his response will be. He will see your kindness as evidence of your weakness and he will be energized to abuse you even more. He does not learn righteousness from being shown favor. He just keeps being even more who he really is. If favor is shown to the wicked, he does not learn righteousness; in the land of uprightness he deals corruptly and does not see the majesty of the LORD.

I have learned this truth the hard way over many years. It took me a long time to finally get it. I still catch myself imagining scenarios that are just that – imaginary. You know, those thoughts where we play out some script in our mind with a “they all changed and lived happily ever after” outcome. Not gonna happen. Not when we are dealing with a RASN. You are not going to change your RASN. That is why I always tell abuse victims two things:

  1. Your abuser is never going to change.
  2. A marriage to an abuser does not need to be fixed, it needs to be ended.

Did You Know that my weekly Bible studies and Sunday services are available to you?

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On October 21, 2024

In Abusers

Each week I livestream three Bible studies – Ephesians, Romans, and a Children’s study. On Sunday morning I teach a class in the first hour, then preach the sermon – both of these are also livestreamed. We stream on Facebook at Light for Dark Times and also on Sermon Audio at sermonaudio.com/crc. I then upload these videos to our Youtube channel at Light for Dark Times. I maintain a group mailing (bcc) and send the past week’s video links out at the start of each new week. We have over 800 such videos available at Youtube and Sermon Audio. If you would like to be added to the group mailing, email me at swordtrowel@gmail.com and I will put you on it. (And I must give credit to my wife Verla who handles all the livestreaming, the camera, the sound equipment for all of these livestreams).

Here is a sample from this past week which you would receive:

80 – Ephesians Study – https://youtu.be/oO3TuwQ42TI

60 – Romans Study – https://youtu.be/7lfdQwWDZIs

7 – Children’s Study – https://youtu.be/zi6wGOgsBlk

Sunday Morning Class – John Brown on 1 Peter 1 – https://youtu.be/qAVogaqGO3I

23 – First Corinthians Sermon – Chapter 5, Christ Our Passover – Remove the Leaven from Among You

Announcement – All New Posts will be here at unholycharade.com

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On October 21, 2024

In Blog News

For quite a long time I have maintained two blog sites and written for both on a weekly basis. However, I have decided to just write new posts here at unholycharade.com and leave the other blog – lightfordatktimes.com – online with all past articles. But no new posts will be added to it. LFDT’s will still serve as a resource. You can use the search feature to find posts on various subjects, but be sure you are subscribed to follow unholycharade.com for new posts.

It’s Not Always Going to be this Way

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On October 21, 2024

In Counseling

Rev 21:3-4 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. (4) He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

In this present world, we all too often meet people whose situation seems hopeless. Many of you have either been in that position and others of you are in it right now. You are stuck. You have been deceived by an evil spouse. You have children from the marriage. You have given your life to raising those children and have not been in the workplace, so leaving and supporting yourself is not possible. The evil one threatens to take your children and has the legal resources to keep you in court for years. Your family members have been turned against you by the lies. Your church only reinforces the demand that you remain married. This is just an all too common scenario.

Hope is a powerful thing. And so is hopeLESSness. Our enemy knows this very well. Satan can be expected to do all that he can through his servants to strip hope away from us. I had a good friend who caved to this hopelessness and threw himself off a bridge and drowned. He was a Christian, but the enemy got such a grip on him that he concluded that death was his only “hope.” Which, of course, is no hope at all.

But for the Christian, hopelessness is a LIE. When your mind is dwelling on your hopeless condition, then you need to shake the lie out of your mind and replace it with Christ’s truth. Part of hopelessness is the idea that it has no end. That your hopeless condition is permanent. THAT IS A LIE! Listen to Peter on this:

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
(1Pe 1:3-9)

There is an OUTCOME if you know Christ. Now, “for a little while, you are grieved by various trials. But the Lord is using these very trials for His glory and for your good – for the strengthening of your faith.

One day your grief is going to be changed into “joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory.” That IS going to happen. This is hope. It is certain. Every thought that Satan launches at you like a missile is a lie. We must shield ourselves from these darts with faith in the certain and true promises of the Lord. The devil is not going to win. He cannot separate you from the love of God in Christ Jesus, no matter what trials he sends your way. So never give in to hopelessness. For the Christian, it is a lie.

We Must be Humble in Handling God’s Word or we will Cause Great Harm

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On October 15, 2024

In Biblical Teaching

“It is too great arrogancy for any man or church to think that he or they have so sounded the Word of God to its bottom, as precisely to set down the church’s discipline without error in substance or circumstances, and to insist that no one may digress or differ in any thing from [one’s own position]. It is not difficult to show that the Reformed Churches differ in many circumstances among themselves.”

Governor William Bradford, Plymouth Colony

This quotation comes from that Godly governor way back in the days of the Pilgrims, William Bradford. He wrote this in response to a controversy among the colonists at Plymouth when a division arose over the question of what exact positions on certain secondary topics a person must hold to be admitted as a member of their churches.

You can see Bradford’s wisdom in this, and his humility. His point was that it is incredible arrogance for church leaders or members to insist that they alone have “sounded” the depths of the Word of God on a point which true Christians differ, and who then demand that everyone else be subject to their opinion.

There has been tremendous damage in our churches and great harm effected upon the innocent when one church or one pastor or one board of elders insist, for insist, that they and they alone hold the “biblical” position on the reasons for divorce. We see this utter arrogance for instance in church leaders who enforce “divorce for no reason ever” and insist that this is God’s command. Abuse victims are left to suffer. Or you have others who insist that they have arrived at truth in teaching and enforcing adultery as the only reason for divorce, abuse not being a reason.

Now, think about this carefully. As Bradford noted, is it not true that genuine Christians, that real churches, differ on this subject? Certainly all real Christians are unanimous in confessing the deity of Christ, or the doctrine of justification by faith alone, or the virgin birth, or the inspiration of the Bible. We know these truths to be truth and rightly insist that no digression from these doctrines is permissible. But are topics such as the reasons for divorce held with the same kind of unanimity among Christians? Of course not.

Therefore you can see that a person who insists that they have come to the one and only biblical position on this topic of divorce, and who then enforce that decision upon others even to the point of ex-communicating those who differ, are sinfully and grossly arrogant.

Certainly all who are genuinely in Christ realize that there is such a thing as sinful divorce. Domestic abusers are guilty of this, even when they prohibit their victim from leaving the marriage. Abusers break the marriage covenant, destroy the marriage, and are the ones Malachi speaks against – it is these whom the Lord hates. But to announce to all that “we” have arrived at the only true position on divorce, to insist that no divorce is permitted by God, or that domestic abuse is not in the list of reasons and demand that everyone abide by our conclusions, is wicked arrogance.

Think again on this carefully. Do true churches, pastors, elders, theologians, differ on their conclusions regarding biblical justification for divorce? Of course. No one can deny that. Therefore what can we conclude about a pastor or even individual Christian who proclaims that he or she holds the only true, biblical position on this matter? I can tell you. We can conclude that such a person is guilty of hurtful, harmful, enslaving arrogance. And I will go further. We can conclude that such a person’s entire ministry is called into question because the arrogance which they evidence in this one matter certainly will infect all of their teaching.

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