Unholy Charade - Jeff Crippen

Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

Author: Jeff Crippen Page 1 of 83

Enablers as Flying Monkeys

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On January 14, 2025

In Abusers, Narcissist, RASN

Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night. (Psalms 1:1-2)

Recently I watched a video from Dr. Les Carter in which he discussed this very subject. You remember the flying monkeys in the Wizard of Oz? They were servants of the wicked witch who flew out to do her bidding. They provide a clear example of how enablers and allies of RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists) function in the very same way.

Flying monkeys “walk, stand, and sit” in the seat of RASNs, as the Psalmist would agree. Instead of separating from this evil, they remain in company with them. They maintain friendships with them. And they, on a spectrum from naivety to willing participation (the latter indicating that they are a type of RASN themselves), carry out the desires of the wicked witch. Those desires are of course the persecution of targeted victims.

We can all be duped by a RASN. Most of us have been duped by a RASN. They are deceptive in their evil goals and methods. But once the real nature of a RASN becomes obvious to us, we walk away. We break it off. We won’t be deceived or used by them any longer. We stand with the victim. Flying monkeys don’t. They remain in the service of the witch. These kind have crossed over from ignorance into the realm of willful alliance. And, as I said, on some kind of a spectrum, these allies share in the qualities of RASN-hood. The longer a person remains in a role of flying monkey, the closer and closer they morph into the dark character of the RASN themselves.

In my 41 years now as a pastor, I have been faced many times with having to deal with RASNs. Evil people who, like Diotrephes (see 3 John) crave to be first. To have power and control. People who use wicked tactics to achieve their wicked ends. In all of these times of needing to confront this kind of evil, there have always been flying monkeys. People who refuse to separate from the RASN. Who ally with them. Why? Because they will not pay the price of that separation. They will not come out from among the wicked and, like Moses, choose to suffer persecution and loss rather than being a winged ape.

Why do you not understand what I say? It is because you cannot bear to hear my word. You are of your father the devil, and your will is to do your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies. (John 8:43-44)

This is what a flying monkey does. Their desire is to do the will of the RASN, which ultimately is the will of the devil. To do otherwise, to choose the narrow way of righteousness, is too hard, too costly for them. Reputation, money, image, comfort – like the rich young ruler, they walk away from Jesus and from eternal life rather than give these things up. There is a cost to be paid when we refuse to stand with the witch any longer. But then, to remain – what is that cost? A steep price indeed – one’s soul, an exchange of heaven for hell.

Some More Thoughts on RASNs as Selfish Children

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On January 9, 2025

In Abusers, Counseling

When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. (1 Corinthians 13:11)

The Apostle Paul in the verse cited above did not have narcissists in mind. He was describing, by way of analogy, the Christian’s advancement from this present life into the full grasp of the kingdom of God. Nevertheless, the verse appropriately describes the subject I would like us to think some more about – namely – What is a narcissist’s emotional age.

Recently I was watching another session (on Youtube) from Dr. Les Carter in which he was dealing with this question – at what stage of human development is the narcissist? That is, what is a narcissist’s emotional age? He then went through a description of the stages of normal human development – zero to five, six to twelves, thirteen through 19, and into early adulthood. His conclusion is that narcissists generally have not advanced past stage two or perhaps into the early teen years. I agree and most of you will be nodding in agreement because you have experienced the selfish, tantrum-throwing, devious behavior of a chronological adult who is an emotional child.

Now, let me add this caveat – Many children are not totally selfish, tantrum-throwing, devious individuals! I don’t mean to class all children in these negative categories. The truth is that many children, healthy children with properly functioning, mentoring parents, are far more mature than narcissists. I am speaking here about the general qualities in children which positive parenting works to develop and the negative qualities which good parents strive to grow their children out of. We teach our children, for example, that it is not right to be selfish, or to lie, or to try to manipulate through a tantrum when they are denied something they want.

But narcissists are locked into emotional immaturity. The sins of childhood. They are incredibly self-centered, entitled, and have an exalted sense of superiority to others. They lie and work to deceive. They rage in anger when they are denied what they demand. Or they choose some other method of punishing others who fail to feed the RASN’s ego. These behaviors and attitudes are all characteristic of human beings when they enter this world. We all were selfish. We all threw some kind of anger tantrums. We pouted. Maybe we threw things or hit other people. But we matured if we had the healthy parenting and mentorship the Lord intends for us. And even if we did not have functional parents, if we came to know Christ, He worked in us “to will and to work according to His good pleasure.” These positive developments do not happen in the RASN. In fact, the negative qualities become increasingly pronounced. RASNs become more skilled at lying, punishing, using and manipulating.

I have seen individuals who claim to be Christians (most of my experience has been in the church these past 40 years)…I have seen people habitually lie, throw tantrums, work to punish others, many times. People who had even worked their way into leadership positions in the church. These are the kind of people that God’s Word cautions us about:

I appeal to you, brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and create obstacles contrary to the doctrine that you have been taught; avoid them. (Romans 16:17)

These are hidden reefs at your love feasts, as they feast with you without fear, shepherds feeding themselves; waterless clouds, swept along by winds; fruitless trees in late autumn, twice dead, uprooted; (Jude 1:12)

RASNs can very often portray “maturity” when in fact they are emotional children. People who have failed to develop and grow out of the self-centered era of childhood. And I think that it is very important for us all to be quite clear about this or we will be duped by these emotional infants. Such people can wear a convincing disguise of maturity, but it is just that – a disguise. When there is a conflict of some sort, the mask will slip. You may simply voice a suggestion for instance, and be met with an outburst of anger because your sole role, for the RASN, is to agree with and promote his or her platform. Differing thought is not to be tolerated.

RASNs are emotional, psychological, and spiritual children who have never advanced beyond the age of….let’s say 12 years? Perhaps even less than that. Just think about what that failure is going to introduce into a marriage or a family or a church or other relationships? Employees may be working for an employer who is a selfish child. Churches might have elders or even a pastor who is by nature a self-promoting child. Children in a family might have a parent who is less mature than they are! The thing turns relationships upside down.

RASNs are emotional children, and it is vital that we understand this or we will not realize what we are actually dealing with when a RASN comes along.

Some Thoughts for the New Year

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On January 3, 2025

In Biblical Teaching, Counseling

1Peter 1:6-7  In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials,  (7)  so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.

The reason this blog exists – its purpose – is to validate, educate, and encourage people who “have been grieved by various trials,” as Peter puts it. Specifically, people who have been grieved by the trials produced by RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists). Evildoers in other words. And more than this, our purpose is to point people to Christ and the certain hope which is only found in Him. Let’s take encouragement then for this coming new year from the words we see here from the Apostle Peter.

“For a little while.” That small phrase is found over and over in Scripture. “A little while.” A short time. It’s just for “a little while.” When the rich man and Lazarus died, their earthly lives had been “for just a little while.” The rich man had his enjoyments and luxuries, “for a little while.” But now, that brief time was over and he found himself in hell – not for a little while, but for a timeless eternity without end. And so it was for Lazarus. His suffering had been for a little while. But now it was over and, unlike the rich man, Lazarus was now rich – for eternity.

“You have been grieved by various trials.” That is how Peter puts it. Anyone who has been the victim/target of a RASN knows this all too well. Grief. Trials. BUT, if we know Christ, if we have been born again to a living and therefore certain hope, we can rejoice even so. Why? Because our trials are only for “a little while.” The RASN’s evil will not be perpetrated upon us forever. There is an end point coming. Of that we can be certain. Furthermore, we can rejoice in suffering because the Lord is using these various trials to demonstrate to the world and to ourselves, that our faith given us by Christ, our salvation, is REAL. Genuine. Not some plastic fake but gold which is being refined by these fires of trial.

None of us know what 2025 holds for us. But the Lord does. Our days are in His hand – their number and their nature. But no matter what the divine script holds for us, we can know with certainty that Christ will never leave us nor forsake us, that His return is certain, that when we depart this world we, like Lazarus, will be with the Lord in glory AND for the praise of His glorious justice, the unrepentant RASN will join the rich man in hell. Christ is the Alpha and the Omega. The beginning of everything and the end of everything. Just as He spoke the world into creation once, He will speak the New Heavens and Earth into existence. That is the Omega – that is how it is going to end – or rather, begin!

Our lives in this present world are brief. A flash. A blade of grass that flourishes, then withers, then passes away. Here, we are for “just a little while.” Whatever suffering and grief and loss you have or are experiencing now, if you know Christ as Savior and Lord, then your real life has begun. While your “corruptible flesh” as Paul puts it, is fading away, the new creation who you now are is growing and growing into the glory of Christ until that Day when He comes and raises you up in blinding glory. The sufferings we as His people experience here, these “for a little while sufferings,” will be found to have produced a refined, pure gold of faith which will be on display in the New Creation forever.

If, in that New Creation, anyone were to ask us – “wasn’t all that hard trouble difficult and costly for you?” Our reply, and it will be an honest reply, will be something like, “Eh? What trouble?”

Who is the Wonderful Counselor?

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On December 28, 2024

In Biblical Teaching, Counseling

Isa 9:6  For to us a child is born, to us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder, and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

If you are a Christian, then you know that this passage from Isaiah is announcing the birth of the Lord Jesus Christ. Among these incredible names given here, one is Wonderful Counselor. In addition, the Bible speaks of another counselor or helper –

Joh 14:16-18  And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever,  (17)  even the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees him nor knows him. You know him, for he dwells with you and will be in you.  (18)  “I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.

This is, of course, the Holy Spirit who, take note, is the Lord Jesus “come to us.” This is the mystery of the Trinity – three Persons in one godhead. In this case, the two Persons of the Holy Spirit and the Lord Jesus, yet one.

Now, what I want us to think about is this – just who is the wonderful counselor? Christians would typically answer that He is the Lord Jesus or perhaps the Holy Spirit. That is what they would typically say. But in practice it is quite common to see behavior and thinking which is contrary to this claim. What do I mean?

Well, think for instance about how the Lord Jesus and His Spirit in us counsel and help us. Are you thinking? I hope that your answer is this – through the living and powerful Word of God. The Scriptures. But, I say, in practice it seems to me that so many people who claim to be Christians do not really seem to believe this. They want more. They seem to think and they have been so often told, that they need another counselor. Let’s think carefully about this.

I am not suggesting that there is no place for seeking the help of a human counselor. But what I am saying is that unless that counselor or therapist is a Christian who actually is using God’s Word to counsel, then the Wonderful Counselor is not in the room! Do you believe that? Let me pursue this further.

Very often when people ask me about counseling and I point them to systematic, regular, methodical study of the Bible – such study often entailing either verse by verse studies which I have done and which are available on Youtube, or which my favorite preacher Martyn Lloyd-Jones has on Youtube (mljtrust.org too), they act confused. Not always, but often. They don’t connect the dots. They fail to see a real connection between the Bible and what they need. And many of these people claim to be Christians and might well be.

What does God’s Word say about itself? –

Heb 4:12  For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.

Psa 119:26-29  When I told of my ways, you answered me; teach me your statutes!  (27)  Make me understand the way of your precepts, and I will meditate on your wondrous works.  (28)  My soul melts away for sorrow; strengthen me according to your word!  (29)  Put false ways far from me and graciously teach me your law!

Do you believe that? I suggest to you that many if not most local professing Christian churches do not believe it. They claim they do with their lips but in practice what are they doing? They are relying on man’s programs. Man’s psychology. In the end, their programs of “counseling” do not differ much at all from what the world offers. The Wonderful Counselor is not in it.

So, do you want to hear from the Wonderful Counselor? Do you truly want to get better even if it is painful at times? Do you want a Counselor who can see within the very depths of your mind and heart and reveal any patterns which are wrong or even which are hurting you? Then there is no substitute. You must go to His powerful Word because that is where He will meet you. And it isn’t a quick fix. That is why I always prescribe the verse by verse regular, disciplined study and teaching of God’s Word.

Most people, unfortunately for them, don’t want the Wonderful Counselor and His method. They want a quick fix that doesn’t require hard work. They don’t want to walk the Narrow Way.

Why Does Your Abuser Hate You?

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On December 18, 2024

In Abusers, Narcissist, RASN

Therefore God sends them a strong delusion, so that they may believe what is false, in order that all may be condemned who did not believe the truth but had pleasure in unrighteousness. (2Th 2:11-12)

Have you ever spent time wondering…why does that RASN in my life hate me? Domestic abuse victims often try and try and try to please. To make peace. To overlook. But nothing seems to work. The anger and abuse and evil tactics just keep coming at them. Why?

I believe that the verses quoted above provide a good share of the answer. RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists) despise truth. Truth exposes and a narcissist, for instance, is constantly at work fighting against being exposed for their true self. This is why the Pharisees hated Jesus, for instance. He was Light and He exposed what they really were – children of the devil in a saint’s disguise.

When a person persists in hardening their heart against God’s truth, there comes a point when the Lord hands them over to what Paul calls a “strong delusion.” RASNs are delusional. They believe what is false and reject what is true. They took pleasure in wickedness, and so the Lord gives them over to the power of the devil and their own sin. You cannot reason with a delusional person. What they believe about themselves (grandiosity) is part of the delusion, as is what they think about you. They believe, in their delusional mind, that your function is to flatter them, feed their ego, and serve them, propping up their false self-image. You are a lowlife in other words. They hold you in contempt.

I have never yet, in all my 41 years as a pastor, seen one of these kind repent and turn, returning to a sound mind. Never. When people put on a false show of Christianity, thus mocking God, the time comes when He says, “enough!” The strong delusion sweeps over their mind so that they cannot believe the truth. Why? Because it is God’s resolve to condemn them.

And that largely explains why a RASN hates their targeted victim. Particularly if that victim is a Christian.

There is a Reason the Holy Spirit is Called “The Comforter”

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On December 9, 2024

In Counseling

“I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Helper, that He may be with you forever; that is the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it does not see Him or know Him, but you know Him because He abides with you and will be in you. “I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. (John14:16-18)

When we deal with this evil called domestic abuse and with the great harm done by RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists), we often find ourselves wishing that we had a huge supply of money and resources so that we could immediately rescue the victims of these evildoers. But we don’t have a huge supply of money. We don’t have houses for the victims to move into or other paths to freedom.

But we know Someone who does, and that of course is the Lord Jesus Christ.

If you are a Christian, if you have been born again through faith in Christ, then you are a temple in whom the Spirit of God dwells. This is what Jesus was talking about in the Scripture quoted above – I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you.” He meant, of course, that He would come to each of His people in the Person of the Holy Spirit.

The Spirit of God is called the Comforter. The Helper. His names tell us what He does – especially when His people are in the midst of the fire. In those times, He comforts. He helps. He does what Paul spoke of here:

and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us. (Romans 5:5)

Last week I announced to you that I would be reading a crucial sermon by Martyn Lloyd Jones on this very Scripture, and I did so during the morning service. I sent out the link and HERE it is once more. The subject is this extremely important and comforting doctrine – the Holy Spirit pours out God’s love for us in our hearts. He immediately and directly communicates to us that God loves us and that He is with us in the fire –

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, Nor will the flame burn you. (Isaiah 43:2)

There is no greater assurance or comfort possible. No matter how great the trial, when the Spirit of God pours out this immediate sensation of the love of God for u s, nothing else matters.

Have you asked the Lord for this when you are in the fire? This is not some kind of “second blessing” as if we do not have the Spirit and somehow we need to “get it.” No. This is the Spirit of God who dwells in you, actively pouring out this sense of God’s love for us. This is not some imagination of man – the Scripture here says it plainly – the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

And this is better than a mountain of cash or a powerful team of lawyers to get us through trials and sufferings from which their so often seems to be no escape.

Don’t Miss Hearing or Reading this Sermon by Martyn Lloyd-Jones on Romans 5:5

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On December 7, 2024

In Blog News

and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.
(Rom 5:5)

Tomorrow (Sunday, December 8, 2024) in our 11AM service, I will be reading a sermon by MLJ on this scripture. I am announcing this here so that the maximum number of people will be able to listen to or read this sermon. This matter of the Holy Spirit pouring out the love of God into our hearts is the ultimate assurance the Christian can receive and yet this subject is largely neglected in the churches. This really is a life-changing truth.

The audio of the sermon can be found at HERE and you can find it in print form if you have Lloyd-Jones book of sermons on Romans 5 entitled “Assurance” (chapter 6) available HERE on Amazon.

One housekeeping note – We will be livestreaming our Sunday service as usual on our Facebook page (Light for Dark Times) and on sermonaudio.com/crc at 11AM. However, I will not be able to upload the video of the service as usual on youtube or sermonaudio due to copyright issues. Nevertheless, you can listen to the sermon later at the audio link above.

Don’t miss this one!

Do You Wake Up each Day Thinking about Your Abuser?

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On December 3, 2024

In Counseling

Psa 92:1-4  A Psalm, a Song for the Sabbath day. It is good to give thanks to the LORD And to sing praises to Your name, O Most High;  (2)  To declare Your lovingkindness in the morning And Your faithfulness by night,  (3)  With the ten-stringed lute and with the harp, With resounding music upon the lyre.  (4)  For You, O LORD, have made me glad by what You have done, I will sing for joy at the works of Your hands.

A friend recently pointed me toward this Psalm when I shared with them that I frequently wake up in the mornings and the first thing that pops into my mind is some wicked person who launched their attacks on me sometime in the past – often even years ago. I don’t like waking up to those thoughts. This Psalm speaks of giving thanks for the Lord’s lovingkindness in the morning.

As time goes on the Lord does help those memories to fade, but I suppose we won’t be completely free of them as long as we are in this world. I am sure that Satan has a lot to do with it. I don’t know how, but he surely has the ability to put thoughts into our minds. Maybe those are some of what Paul calls the flaming missiles launched at us.

I just wanted to share this experience with you all so that you need not feel that you are alone when this is happening to you. Everyone experiences it. I think experts on trauma have some things to say about it. I seem to recall someone mentioning this book –The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. I haven’t read the book so I can’t recommend it at this point but the title does express what I am saying here.

Feel free to share your comments with all of us here. Do you wake up with those thoughts? And how many years have you been out of the abuse? Do you find those thoughts weakening?

Abusers are Selfish Children

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On November 25, 2024

In Abusers

Jas 3:16  For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing.

RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists) have never grown up. Many of their wicked tactics reveal their selfish childishness. They are going to have their way, or else. Their rages are merely adulthood tantrums. I suspect that many of you who have been targeted by these kind will testify to this. They are astonishingly childish.

When a person matures into healthy adulthood, they learn to deal with conflict. They learn to be more unselfish, to deny themselves for the good of others. But RASNs willfully choose to embrace immaturity no matter who they harm.

This is why parents must teach their children to be giving, considerate, kind, and self-denying. When a child is selfish, he needs to be disciplined for it. Many parents create adult monsters because they enable their children, spoil them, and fail to discipline them. I have watched children over the years grow up into RASN-hood because of this.

Feel free to share your insights on this subject in the comments here.

Beware the Trap of Bitterness

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On November 19, 2024

In Counseling

Eph 4:31  Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.

Being a target of a RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) carries with it a danger which the victim can easily fall into if not on guard against it. That trap is bitterness.

Bitterness is an attitude, a mindset, which perceives the words and actions of others with a sourness. Bitterness attributes bad motives to others. It is a mindset that assumes and presumes that someone whose intentions are in fact good, are meant for the bitter person’s harm.

Most of you, perhaps, have had the unpleasant experience of dealing with a bitter person. You had nothing but noble intentions toward them. Your motives were upright and meant for their good. But then, seemingly out of the blue, their demeanor toward you changed. There was a tone of suspicion now in their words and the relationship soured, eventually ending.

What happens in those cases? Well, a bitter person’s mind habitually goes to an assumption that your words, actions, kindnesses, all have some sinister motive behind them. One such case that I experienced began it seemed, very well. I genuinely wanted to be kind and to help a person who had been a victim of domestic abuse. But eventually, their tone changed. The person started asking me questions that had a tone of accusation in them. Things kept deteriorating until the relationship crashed. When this happens, we are left wondering – “what did I do?”

Another bad experience I had was with a person in the church over 3 decades ago. From day one when I arrived as pastor, this person had a distrustful, unkind, accusatory attitude toward me. Nothing I could do would mend things. A month or so later, her adult son approached me and said “we all know that my mother is a bitter person. But we just accept and love her as she is.” It turns out that she had a history of failed relationships and became increasingly bitter. The reality was that my intentions were to work with her, help her in her responsibilities, and to be a friend. But all of that proved to be impossible.

You do not want to become that kind of person! We rightly desire justice for wrongs and evils done against us – but a hunger and thirst for righteousness is not bitterness. Bitterness will sabotage all of our relationships if we become a bitter person. And that is very, very sad. I genuinely feel pity for people trapped in bitterness. There really is no helping them.

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