Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

Author: Jeff Crippen Page 1 of 84

Don’t be Sapphira

But a man named Ananias, with his wife Sapphira, sold a piece of property, and with his wife’s knowledge he kept back for himself some of the proceeds and brought only a part of it and laid it at the apostles’ feet. (Acts 5:1-2)

I want to warn everyone about a rather common trap – the trap this woman named Sapphira fell into. At the start, I need to be very clear about what I do NOT mean. I am not talking about a domestic abuse victim, for instance, who is still in a marriage which is no marriage. Getting free, as we all know, is not generally very easy. It often is a complicated matter and sometimes, at least for the present, getting free of an abuser just isn’t possible. Children, economic issues, a place to live – all these factors and more enter into the picture.

But the kind of person (we will say a “wife” though this can also be a trap a man married to a narcissist can be snared by)…the kind of person I want to write about here is the wife who chooses to stay with the wicked man and to even participate with him, defend him, enable him, in his evil deeds.

I have seen t his very scenario a number of times. A wife, knowing full well what her husband is, nevertheless chooses to not just remain with him, but to become an accomplice in his sins and crimes. Sapphria, you see. She had full knowledge of what her husband was doing and she chose to participate in it. And Peter said to her, “Tell me whether you sold the land for so much.” And she said, “Yes, for so much.” Guilty.

You do not want to be a Sapphira. Not for money, not for security, not for image and reputation. Sapphira’s sin was that of taking active participation in her husband’s evil. It is the sin of knowing your spouse is a RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) and yet choosing his/her side. A victim becoming an ally. In the cases which I have seen personally, there seemed to be a specific “tipping point” at which the victim morphed into the abuser’s ally. The change was dramatic, happening literally in a moment of time. It is a kind of treason – to choose the enemy side and stand with evil.

That is what Sapphira did. In doing so, she incurred God’s wrath and judgment and ended in the same pit as her husband. Be courageous! Stand for Christ no matter the cost. Sapphira’s way is Broadway and it ends in hell.

RASNs Love to Make Others Feel Stupid

Colossians 4:6  Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.

The RASNs (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) words are anything but gracious. In sooo many ways they are, as Paul puts it in Romans, the poison of asps, a stabbing sword. And one very common way RASNs use their words to inflict harm is by speaking in a way so as to make their target feel stupid. Let me give you an example.

Many years ago when I was a new pastor, we lived way up in the mountains of western Montana. In our church, though as I recall they were not members, there was a couple who evidenced no real signs of being born again. The husband worked for the forestry department and also had a pack of hounds which he used to chase cougar. Every winter we got lots of snow, so we would see all kinds of various animal tracks when we were out in the woods – deer, elk, cougar, marten, rabbit and so on.

Well, one day when we had not lived there very long, I saw what I thought must be cougar tracks in the snow following a creek back in the woods a couple miles from out home. So I told this man about it and he wanted to come and look at the tracks, which he did. I pointed them out to him and he looked at me like I was an idiot, making me feel stupid just from his tone and expression. The reason was that these were dog tracks, not cougar prints. I asked him what the difference was and he told me and it made sense. If you have a house cat, then you know that their claws retract, while those of a dog do not. So a dog’s track will show their claw while a cat track (like a cougar) will not. I was glad to learn that, but I wasn’t happy to be made to feel stupid.

Now, this fellow was a fool when it comes to the truly important matters of life. Things like his soul, the character of the holy, holy, holy God, that he was born into sin, and so on. His real sinful nature evidenced itself in the incident with the cougar tracks. Why does a person feel that they need to exalt themselves and ridicule anyone who doesn’t know something that they know? It is because of the arrogant sin in them. Because of their mindset of entitlement and self-appointed superiority.

And this is exactly how RASNs operate. They characteristically want to make those they want to control feel stupid. Often, because we don’t realize just what a RASN is, we end up feeling that we are stupid. This tactic is meant to put us under the RASNs control. I have seen this evil weapon used soooo often against me and against others. It is wicked. A wife, for instance, who is married to a domestic abuser, very typically comes to believe that she really is stupid and worthless, when in fact she is quite intelligent and wise. But that intelligence is a threat to the abuser’s control so he works to erode it.

The real fool is the one who wants to make others out to be fools, and to do so for his own self-glory and self-exaltation. Don’t fall for it.

RASNs Make Themselves the Victim – and YOU the Culprit

Malachi 1:1-2a  The oracle of the word of the LORD to Israel by Malachi.  (2)  “I have loved you,” says the LORD. But you say, “How have you loved us?”

Malachi 1:6  “A son honors his father, and a servant his master. If then I am a father, where is my honor? And if I am a master, where is my fear? says the LORD of hosts to you, O priests, who despise my name. But you say, ‘How have we despised your name?’

Malachi 2:13-14  And this second thing you do. You cover the LORD’s altar with tears, with weeping and groaning because he no longer regards the offering or accepts it with favor from your hand.  (14)  But you say, “Why does he not?”

Malachi 3:8  Will man rob God? Yet you are robbing me. But you say, ‘How have we robbed you?’

Do you see the pattern here? These wicked, unfaithful Israelites were guilty of all kinds of sins against the Lord. But what did they do? They blamed the Lord. Each time He revealed their sins, they responded with a “pious” question which was actually an accusation against the Lord.How have we….?” THEY were the victims you see. Things were not going well because the Lord was not blessing them, and yet it was HIS fault, not theirs.

This is a perfect example of how RASNS (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists) wickedly make themselves out to be the victim, and turn the real victim into the culprit. The RASNs gullible and often cowardly allies believe the accusation and side with the wicked one.

I may have told you of my experience when I first came to our church here 32 years ago. There was a woman who was a gifted pianist and the choir director. She was also a full-blown RASN (you pick which of the 4 categories). She refused to work with me in selecting and planning the music portion of the worship service, announcing that “this is MY area and I don’t work with anyone else.” Rather a remarkably sinful attitude wouldn’t you say. And the previous pastor had appointed her to this key position!!

She knew early on that I was not going to permit this attitude and so she made herself out to be the victim of my “unkindness.” Her adult son came up to me one Sunday and said, “we all know that my mother is a bitter woman, but we love her anyway and you just need to be kind to her.” Another man (a narcissist himself) who was the chairman of the deacon board chastised me at a board meeting for “getting on the wrong side of this lady. WE all choose to love her.” The rest of the deacon board, predictably, responded in cowardice and also blamed me. One of them, in fact, had gone to her behind my back and told her that I had talked about problems with her at the last board meeting. Ultimately I confronted the woman in front of the church and she stormed out in anger, sonny boy going along with her.

This is how RASNs operate. They make themselves out to be the victim when in fact they are the devil’s children themselves. I could tell you story after story of this very dynamic from my experience as a pastor over 42 years now. The person who exposes and/or stands up to the RASN is made out to be the one at fault. A RASN will never examine themselves to see their own sin and confess it. Not gonna happen. Stop waiting for it to happen. It isn’t. Not. Never.

RASNs will even blame and accuse God before they will admit their own sin, just as these Israelites were doing in Malachi’s day. YOU are the problem. Never them. Never. No one is allowed to point out the RASNs sins and if they do, they will be punished. The RASN, like an evil dictator, will set out to gain allies to his side, convincing the gullible that he/she has been grievously abused by – YOU.

Understanding these things is the road to freedom. As long as we naively believe that someday the RASN will change, admit their wrongs, ask for your forgiveness, or worse – that WE really have somehow wronged them – we are going to remain enslaved to them. The truth is what sets us free.

RASNs (Covert Abusers) Keep Us Confused About What they are

Whoever hates disguises himself with his lips and harbors deceit in his heart; when he speaks graciously, believe him not, for there are seven abominations in his heart; though his hatred be covered with deception, his wickedness will be exposed in the assembly. (Proverbs 26:24-26)

Those verses nail it! When he speaks graciously, believe him not. I have a note on my desk to remind me of times past – “I didn’t understand what I was really dealing with.” I suspect most all of you can identify with that.

When we do not realize what a RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) really is, we will not be able to respond to them as we should. And, of course, the RASN capitalizes on this deception by using all kinds of tactics to promote his or her disguise. So, we show them empathy, we excuse them and disregard red flags – because we don’t really grasp the nature of who they really are. We even defend them when others point out troubling things about them to us. It’s all part of the big lie that RASNs are.

We tend to think that other people think like we do – but not all do. RASNs have an entirely different (and wicked) mindset. They do not have good motives. They are, in fact, motivated by SELF and by a demand that all other people serve that self, promote that image, and woe to anyone who refuses to do so. RASNs only love themselves. It is very hard for us to come to terms with the truth that the RASN in our lives NEVER loved us, NEVER was a real friend. But getting free of such people requires that we eventually face up to this fact. The narcissist views those around him as his personal ego-building supply. To him, they have no other purpose. As a result, the narcissist can cast a wife or “friend” off in a moment with no pangs of loss or sadness.

Understanding what a RASN is, is the first step to freedom from the bondage these kind ensnare others with.

Revisiting an Important RASN Tactic of Retaliation

And this is the judgment: the light has come into the world, and people loved the darkness rather than the light because their works were evil. For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his works should be exposed. (John 3:19-20)

RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists) are darkness. They belong to the kingdom of darkness and as such they hate exposure – they hate the light. They wear a disguise and can seem to be light, but behind the facade lurks a child of the devil. “You are of your father the devil,” as Jesus told His enemies.

In this case, the light which RASNs hate is truth. Specifically, truth about themselves and their evil doings. Truth about what God’s Word has to say about them. Everyone who does wicked things hates the light. What does this mean in our experience with them?

It means, for example, that people who are oppressed by RASNs, not just their targeted victims such as the spouse of a domestic abuser, but really everyone and anyone in the circle of the RASNs operations….is forbidden by the RASN from shining light upon the evildoer. In other words, forbidden to speak about who the RASN really is and what the RASN actually does. Forbidden. Verboten. In some ways, to expose the RASN is the crime of all crimes in the eyes of these evildoers. They hate the light lest their works be exposed.

This subject is close to me because I have experienced it repeatedly over the years. Not just in talking to victims of RASNs, but through being targeted myself by these kind. The typical, repeated line spoke through clenched teeth is – you talked about me!! The rage seethes and it flares up in a moment. There is no openness to discuss the truth of what was said. The only subject on the table is YOU! YOU talked about me! No humility. No self-examination. No “oh, wow. I didn’t realize…I’m sorry.” Nope. Those lines never enter the RASNs mind.

You see the same wicked dynamic everyday in the news. What is the typical experience, for instance, of a whistleblower who exposes corruption in the workplace? When corruption and crime has light shined upon it in government, do we see repentance and confession? Hardly. You see the seeking of revenge, the exercise of punishment. Why? Because you talked about me!!

This raging accusation “you talked about me” can be especially powerful in shaming and guilting the whistleblower. Why? Because we have been taught that gossip is a sin. That slander (telling lies about someone) is wrong. So, when we are accused by the RASN of gossiping or slandering them, our auto-response can often be one of guilt. Maybe we have done wrong. “Why didn’t you talk to me about this instead of announcing it to others?!!!” Of course the reason we didn’t talk to the RASN is because we have talked, or tried to talk, to them about their narcissism many times before. What was the result? Did they listen? Of course not. They blamed. They projected. You are the one at fault.

But being light (and often just being light without speaking a word) is enough to incite the rage. RASNs resent children of the Light, who is of course the Lord Jesus Christ. Long before the outbreak the RASN has been growing in his or her contempt for truth and anyone who is walking in the truth. The contempt starts to reveal itself in those smirky looks in the eyes and in that arrogant “Oh yes you are. Oh yes you did.”

[NOTE:The curious thing about these accusations leveled against the RASNs targets is that so often the target/victim cannot remember saying or doing what the RASN is accusing them of. Be on guard for this. If you are accused of “talking about” and yet you cannot recall doing so, that is a huge red flag that something is just not right here]

But even if you do remember exposing the RASN – most likely you did so privately to another person because the evil doings of the RASN had been weighing upon you for so long – don’t fall prey to the guilting and shaming and accusing. When “You talked about me!” is a missile launched against you by a RASN, be prepared to recognize it for what it is. It is darkness hating the light because its deeds are evil.

The Real Culprit in Parental Alienation

2 Corinthians 11:13-15 For such men are false apostles, deceitful workmen, disguising themselves as apostles of Christ. (14) And no wonder, for even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light. (15) So it is no surprise if his servants, also, disguise themselves as servants of righteousness. Their end will correspond to their deeds.

Many of you have found out the hard way that there is something called “parental alienation” which is a tactic very often used against abuse victims in court proceedings. In order to explain why children do not want to live with the abuser, the abuse victim (generally the mother) is accused of turning the children against their father. This subject is huge in child custody proceedings. The children, it is claimed, have been you might say brainwashed by the mother. Parental alienation, you see. In spite of the children’s wishes not to be with the abuser, they are ordered by the court to do so.

Now, is it possible that there are some cases of parental alienation? Yes. In fact there are MANY. But the truth is that the real culprit, the real alienator, is the abuser. You have heard of projection – the very thing the evil one is accusing the victim of is the thing the abuser is doing himself.

Domestic abusers seek power, control, and revenge. They typically want to make the abuse victim suffer. She has dared to leave the marriage. She has dared to take her abuser to court to obtain a just settlement. She has refused to subject herself to the abuse any longer. And one of the “possessions” (that is what abusers view the children as) is the children.

Domestic abusers do not love anyone except themselves. Like thief father the devil, they are all about being the center of the world. Other people exist only to feed their ego, to project the counterfeit image to which all are required to bow down. That is all you are to a RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist). That is all you have ever been and all you ever will be in a relationship with a RASN. And this can be a hard pill to swallow – to come to the realization that your husband or your father NEVER loved you. Never. It has always been all about him (or sometimes her). Relationship with such a person is toxic. It is poison. It tears you down as the RASN uses you.

To prevent being sucked in by the RASN’s deception, we need to first realize and admit that he is indeed a RASN. Once we see this clearly, then we are in a position to interpret his motives. Does he bring the children gifts? His motive is an evil one. Does he take the children to Disneyland? His motive is an evil one. Does he claim to love the children more than their mother does? His motive is an evil one. Everything he does is driven by his lust for power and control. In all of this, the abuser is the parental alienator.

One of the traps we “normals” get sucked into is to think that the RASN is thinking like we do. After all, aren’t we taught in church that love “assumes the best”? And aren’t children supposed to honor their parents? These are the kinds of Scripture which the “christian” RASN distorts and uses. He comes as a sad-eyed puppy seeking our love. But it is a lie. Satan told Adam and Eve that he was looking out for their good. But in fact the Serpent was working a kind of parental alienation – alienating Adam and Eve from God their Father.

How do we teach these things to our children? It isn’t easy. They are so young and inexperienced. They are not naturally wise about evil. And they have this parental bond with the RASN. He is, after all, their earthly father. Children WANT their father to love them. They want to believe him when he says or does things which appear to be acts of love. But they aren’t. They are evil tactics – weapons of deception. And as long as we cling to the fantasy that maybe, maybe, maybe, one day…he will love me…we will remain in bondage. We will be like Charlie Brown trying to kick the football, thinking that maybe THIS time, Lucy won’t pull the ball away at the last second. But she does, and down on our face we go once more.

These False Teachings Just keep Cropping up

You have heard this kind of teaching so many times, I am sure:

God loves you no matter who you are or what you have done. God loves everyone. You need to do the same thing. If your spouse is abusive to you, if they have committed adultery on you, no matter. You need to love them and that means staying in the marriage.

I don’t know why this trash teaching is so common and popular. I suppose it is the same mentality that the Corinthians had toward that incestuous man in their church. They were arrogant about how loving they were, how they were like God, how everyone was welcome in their church.” Paul blasted them for it. He told them they should be grief-stricken that such sin was among them and he told them to put the man out and not even to eat with such a person.

Does that sound like “we must be like God and love everyone no matter what they have done”? I don’t think so. It is a wicked sin of pride by which people regard themselves as more Christian than Jesus!

Guess what? God does NOT love everyone! If you need biblical proof, you can find it in this series of video messages I put on Youtube, Does God Love Everyone? We are NOT being like God when we never separate from people who claim to be Christians but live in unrepentant sin. And we are NOT being like God when we remain bound to a person who has broken and destroyed a marriage covenant.

A related note: You do not need the permission of your pastor or church in order to divorce a spouse who has destroyed your marriage covenant by abuse or adultery or some other evil. No where in the Bible will you find that such permission is required. What you will find is that if there is a person in a local church who through sin such as adultery or abuse, has destroyed the marriage covenant, then that is the person whom the church has authority to discipline and even put them out of the church.

RASNs are Under a Judgment of Delusion from God

John 8:43-45 Why do you not understand what I say? It is because you cannot bear to hear my word. (44) You are of your father the devil, and your will is to do your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies. (45) But because I tell the truth, you do not believe me.

Domestic abusers never change. Your RASN is not going to change. And when we are speaking of RASNs, we do not mean people who have at one time or another reviled, or said something abusive, or acted selfishly against their conscience. No. Those are sins we all have committed. We are talking about people who are characterized by these things. A reviler is a reviler because reviling is the essence of who he or she is. A narcissist is a narc because that is the heart of their being.

And what I have concluded is that people like this are under divine judgment. A judgment of blindness. They are like the enemies Jesus squared off with in the scripture above. They didn’t understand Him because they couldn’t. Why? Because they hated what He said. They could not bear to hear and admit the truth. People like this are people whom God has “handed over” to their sin, to the mastery of the devil, just as Paul says in Romans 1.

This is why I always say that RASNs don’t change. They have been handed over to the power of their sin.

Romans 1:24-25 Therefore God gave them up in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, to the dishonoring of their bodies among themselves, (25) because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever! Amen.

Romans 1:32 Though they know God’s righteous decree that those who practice such things deserve to die, they not only do them but give approval to those who practice them.

When a person refuses to believe the truth which God has revealed to them, at some point God’s judgment sweeps down upon them so that they get what they want – no truth. They can no longer hear truth. They will not receive it. God sends a strong delusion upon them as judgment:

2 Thessalonians 2:11-12 Therefore God sends them a strong delusion, so that they may believe what is false, (12) in order that all may be condemned who did not believe the truth but had pleasure in unrighteousness.

This is why it is pointless to imagine that if you could just sit down with your RASN and reason with them, surely you would be able to get through to them and they would see their sin. But that is a fantasy. A fiction. We all would like a “happily ever after” ending where Darth Vader finally turns from the dark side because Luke got through to him. But that is Hollywood. It is a fiction that has no correspondence to reality.

If we are ever going to be free of a RASN, we must face up to these facts, else we will actually be opposing what God had decreed in his judgment. Those whom God has given over to their delusion are simply not going to hear truth. They have crossed a line, and they are there to stay.

Why You Can’t Talk to a RASN About their Flaws or Sins

The wise of heart will receive commandments, but a babbling fool will come to ruin. Proverbs 10:8

“You talked about me!!” I have heard that angry outburst directed at me far too many times. It always comes from a RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) when they learn that you have confided in someone about the RASN’s flaws and/or sins. RASNs hate you for it and seek revenge.

Why?

It is because RASNs demand power and control. To obtain these, they wear a mask. They are very shame-based people and the number one fear which they have is that their true self will be exposed. They live their lives, day after day, promoting and wearing their chosen disguise. That is why they are often very highly regarded – so intelligent, so caring, such a fine Christian – and so on. They are like the Pharisees whom Jesus exposed and they hated him with a murderous hatred for it-

Matthew 23:25-28 “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you clean the outside of the cup and the plate, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. (26) You blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and the plate, that the outside also may be clean. (27) “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people’s bones and all uncleanness. (28) So you also outwardly appear righteous to others, but within you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness.

So it is not surprising that RASNs hate those closest to them. In the case of a spouse, the RASN knows that their husband or wife knows them for what they really are. That is why domestic abusers, for instance, often threaten their spouse with “you are never to speak about what goes on in this house with anyone.” Or else, right?

Now, the exposed RASNs threatening, angry outburst – “you have been talking about me!” – reveals the very reason why their rage-target talked to someone about them! Because you CANNOT talk to a RASN about their sins or flaws. It isn’t permitted. You only exist to feed the ego, to be the supplier of praise which the narcissist demands. So, naturally, if the victim of the RASN is ever going to confide in anyone about what is really going on in, for instance, their home, that is going to have to be someone besides the RASN.

Unfortunately, some of these people that the victim confides in are not trustworthy. They blab. They tell. Did the victim have any ill-motive for talking about what they are suffering at the hands of the RASN? No. They simply needed to talk to someone about their suffering. This is why domestic abuse victims, for instance, so typically don’t tell. Or if they do talk to someone, they begin by revealing only a bit of what is really going on in their home.

So, all of you RASNs out there who scream and yell and punish when “she talked about me!!” – you have only yourself to blame. You won’t receive criticism. You are incapable of self-examination. You forbid anyone from not only speaking negatively about you, you forbid them from even THINKING negatively about you. You are, in other words, the fool of Proverbs.

Enablers as Flying Monkeys

Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night. (Psalms 1:1-2)

Recently I watched a video from Dr. Les Carter in which he discussed this very subject. You remember the flying monkeys in the Wizard of Oz? They were servants of the wicked witch who flew out to do her bidding. They provide a clear example of how enablers and allies of RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists) function in the very same way.

Flying monkeys “walk, stand, and sit” in the seat of RASNs, as the Psalmist would agree. Instead of separating from this evil, they remain in company with them. They maintain friendships with them. And they, on a spectrum from naivety to willing participation (the latter indicating that they are a type of RASN themselves), carry out the desires of the wicked witch. Those desires are of course the persecution of targeted victims.

We can all be duped by a RASN. Most of us have been duped by a RASN. They are deceptive in their evil goals and methods. But once the real nature of a RASN becomes obvious to us, we walk away. We break it off. We won’t be deceived or used by them any longer. We stand with the victim. Flying monkeys don’t. They remain in the service of the witch. These kind have crossed over from ignorance into the realm of willful alliance. And, as I said, on some kind of a spectrum, these allies share in the qualities of RASN-hood. The longer a person remains in a role of flying monkey, the closer and closer they morph into the dark character of the RASN themselves.

In my 41 years now as a pastor, I have been faced many times with having to deal with RASNs. Evil people who, like Diotrephes (see 3 John) crave to be first. To have power and control. People who use wicked tactics to achieve their wicked ends. In all of these times of needing to confront this kind of evil, there have always been flying monkeys. People who refuse to separate from the RASN. Who ally with them. Why? Because they will not pay the price of that separation. They will not come out from among the wicked and, like Moses, choose to suffer persecution and loss rather than being a winged ape.

Why do you not understand what I say? It is because you cannot bear to hear my word. You are of your father the devil, and your will is to do your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies. (John 8:43-44)

This is what a flying monkey does. Their desire is to do the will of the RASN, which ultimately is the will of the devil. To do otherwise, to choose the narrow way of righteousness, is too hard, too costly for them. Reputation, money, image, comfort – like the rich young ruler, they walk away from Jesus and from eternal life rather than give these things up. There is a cost to be paid when we refuse to stand with the witch any longer. But then, to remain – what is that cost? A steep price indeed – one’s soul, an exchange of heaven for hell.

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