Unholy Charade - Jeff Crippen

Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

Author: Jeff Crippen Page 1 of 83

Why Does Your Abuser Hate You?

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On December 18, 2024

In Abusers, Narcissist, RASN

Therefore God sends them a strong delusion, so that they may believe what is false, in order that all may be condemned who did not believe the truth but had pleasure in unrighteousness. (2Th 2:11-12)

Have you ever spent time wondering…why does that RASN in my life hate me? Domestic abuse victims often try and try and try to please. To make peace. To overlook. But nothing seems to work. The anger and abuse and evil tactics just keep coming at them. Why?

I believe that the verses quoted above provide a good share of the answer. RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists) despise truth. Truth exposes and a narcissist, for instance, is constantly at work fighting against being exposed for their true self. This is why the Pharisees hated Jesus, for instance. He was Light and He exposed what they really were – children of the devil in a saint’s disguise.

When a person persists in hardening their heart against God’s truth, there comes a point when the Lord hands them over to what Paul calls a “strong delusion.” RASNs are delusional. They believe what is false and reject what is true. They took pleasure in wickedness, and so the Lord gives them over to the power of the devil and their own sin. You cannot reason with a delusional person. What they believe about themselves (grandiosity) is part of the delusion, as is what they think about you. They believe, in their delusional mind, that your function is to flatter them, feed their ego, and serve them, propping up their false self-image. You are a lowlife in other words. They hold you in contempt.

I have never yet, in all my 41 years as a pastor, seen one of these kind repent and turn, returning to a sound mind. Never. When people put on a false show of Christianity, thus mocking God, the time comes when He says, “enough!” The strong delusion sweeps over their mind so that they cannot believe the truth. Why? Because it is God’s resolve to condemn them.

And that largely explains why a RASN hates their targeted victim. Particularly if that victim is a Christian.

There is a Reason the Holy Spirit is Called “The Comforter”

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On December 9, 2024

In Counseling

“I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Helper, that He may be with you forever; that is the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it does not see Him or know Him, but you know Him because He abides with you and will be in you. “I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. (John14:16-18)

When we deal with this evil called domestic abuse and with the great harm done by RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists), we often find ourselves wishing that we had a huge supply of money and resources so that we could immediately rescue the victims of these evildoers. But we don’t have a huge supply of money. We don’t have houses for the victims to move into or other paths to freedom.

But we know Someone who does, and that of course is the Lord Jesus Christ.

If you are a Christian, if you have been born again through faith in Christ, then you are a temple in whom the Spirit of God dwells. This is what Jesus was talking about in the Scripture quoted above – I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you.” He meant, of course, that He would come to each of His people in the Person of the Holy Spirit.

The Spirit of God is called the Comforter. The Helper. His names tell us what He does – especially when His people are in the midst of the fire. In those times, He comforts. He helps. He does what Paul spoke of here:

and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us. (Romans 5:5)

Last week I announced to you that I would be reading a crucial sermon by Martyn Lloyd Jones on this very Scripture, and I did so during the morning service. I sent out the link and HERE it is once more. The subject is this extremely important and comforting doctrine – the Holy Spirit pours out God’s love for us in our hearts. He immediately and directly communicates to us that God loves us and that He is with us in the fire –

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, Nor will the flame burn you. (Isaiah 43:2)

There is no greater assurance or comfort possible. No matter how great the trial, when the Spirit of God pours out this immediate sensation of the love of God for u s, nothing else matters.

Have you asked the Lord for this when you are in the fire? This is not some kind of “second blessing” as if we do not have the Spirit and somehow we need to “get it.” No. This is the Spirit of God who dwells in you, actively pouring out this sense of God’s love for us. This is not some imagination of man – the Scripture here says it plainly – the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

And this is better than a mountain of cash or a powerful team of lawyers to get us through trials and sufferings from which their so often seems to be no escape.

Don’t Miss Hearing or Reading this Sermon by Martyn Lloyd-Jones on Romans 5:5

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On December 7, 2024

In Blog News

and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.
(Rom 5:5)

Tomorrow (Sunday, December 8, 2024) in our 11AM service, I will be reading a sermon by MLJ on this scripture. I am announcing this here so that the maximum number of people will be able to listen to or read this sermon. This matter of the Holy Spirit pouring out the love of God into our hearts is the ultimate assurance the Christian can receive and yet this subject is largely neglected in the churches. This really is a life-changing truth.

The audio of the sermon can be found at HERE and you can find it in print form if you have Lloyd-Jones book of sermons on Romans 5 entitled “Assurance” (chapter 6) available HERE on Amazon.

One housekeeping note – We will be livestreaming our Sunday service as usual on our Facebook page (Light for Dark Times) and on sermonaudio.com/crc at 11AM. However, I will not be able to upload the video of the service as usual on youtube or sermonaudio due to copyright issues. Nevertheless, you can listen to the sermon later at the audio link above.

Don’t miss this one!

Do You Wake Up each Day Thinking about Your Abuser?

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On December 3, 2024

In Counseling

Psa 92:1-4  A Psalm, a Song for the Sabbath day. It is good to give thanks to the LORD And to sing praises to Your name, O Most High;  (2)  To declare Your lovingkindness in the morning And Your faithfulness by night,  (3)  With the ten-stringed lute and with the harp, With resounding music upon the lyre.  (4)  For You, O LORD, have made me glad by what You have done, I will sing for joy at the works of Your hands.

A friend recently pointed me toward this Psalm when I shared with them that I frequently wake up in the mornings and the first thing that pops into my mind is some wicked person who launched their attacks on me sometime in the past – often even years ago. I don’t like waking up to those thoughts. This Psalm speaks of giving thanks for the Lord’s lovingkindness in the morning.

As time goes on the Lord does help those memories to fade, but I suppose we won’t be completely free of them as long as we are in this world. I am sure that Satan has a lot to do with it. I don’t know how, but he surely has the ability to put thoughts into our minds. Maybe those are some of what Paul calls the flaming missiles launched at us.

I just wanted to share this experience with you all so that you need not feel that you are alone when this is happening to you. Everyone experiences it. I think experts on trauma have some things to say about it. I seem to recall someone mentioning this book –The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. I haven’t read the book so I can’t recommend it at this point but the title does express what I am saying here.

Feel free to share your comments with all of us here. Do you wake up with those thoughts? And how many years have you been out of the abuse? Do you find those thoughts weakening?

Abusers are Selfish Children

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On November 25, 2024

In Abusers

Jas 3:16  For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing.

RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists) have never grown up. Many of their wicked tactics reveal their selfish childishness. They are going to have their way, or else. Their rages are merely adulthood tantrums. I suspect that many of you who have been targeted by these kind will testify to this. They are astonishingly childish.

When a person matures into healthy adulthood, they learn to deal with conflict. They learn to be more unselfish, to deny themselves for the good of others. But RASNs willfully choose to embrace immaturity no matter who they harm.

This is why parents must teach their children to be giving, considerate, kind, and self-denying. When a child is selfish, he needs to be disciplined for it. Many parents create adult monsters because they enable their children, spoil them, and fail to discipline them. I have watched children over the years grow up into RASN-hood because of this.

Feel free to share your insights on this subject in the comments here.

Beware the Trap of Bitterness

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On November 19, 2024

In Counseling

Eph 4:31  Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.

Being a target of a RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) carries with it a danger which the victim can easily fall into if not on guard against it. That trap is bitterness.

Bitterness is an attitude, a mindset, which perceives the words and actions of others with a sourness. Bitterness attributes bad motives to others. It is a mindset that assumes and presumes that someone whose intentions are in fact good, are meant for the bitter person’s harm.

Most of you, perhaps, have had the unpleasant experience of dealing with a bitter person. You had nothing but noble intentions toward them. Your motives were upright and meant for their good. But then, seemingly out of the blue, their demeanor toward you changed. There was a tone of suspicion now in their words and the relationship soured, eventually ending.

What happens in those cases? Well, a bitter person’s mind habitually goes to an assumption that your words, actions, kindnesses, all have some sinister motive behind them. One such case that I experienced began it seemed, very well. I genuinely wanted to be kind and to help a person who had been a victim of domestic abuse. But eventually, their tone changed. The person started asking me questions that had a tone of accusation in them. Things kept deteriorating until the relationship crashed. When this happens, we are left wondering – “what did I do?”

Another bad experience I had was with a person in the church over 3 decades ago. From day one when I arrived as pastor, this person had a distrustful, unkind, accusatory attitude toward me. Nothing I could do would mend things. A month or so later, her adult son approached me and said “we all know that my mother is a bitter person. But we just accept and love her as she is.” It turns out that she had a history of failed relationships and became increasingly bitter. The reality was that my intentions were to work with her, help her in her responsibilities, and to be a friend. But all of that proved to be impossible.

You do not want to become that kind of person! We rightly desire justice for wrongs and evils done against us – but a hunger and thirst for righteousness is not bitterness. Bitterness will sabotage all of our relationships if we become a bitter person. And that is very, very sad. I genuinely feel pity for people trapped in bitterness. There really is no helping them.

Just Who is a Christian Anyway?

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On November 12, 2024

In Churches/Church Response

1Jn 2:4-6 Whoever says “I know him” but does not keep his commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him, (5) but whoever keeps his word, in him truly the love of God is perfected. By this we may know that we are in him: (6) whoever says he abides in him ought to walk in the same way in which he walked.

One of the biggest plagues infecting the visible Christian church today is this – willful ignorance regarding who a genuine Christian is. Wrong answers are being given because man’s traditions are reigning as the source of doctrine rather than the Bible. In most local churches, a Christian is anyone who says they are. And this lie is responsible for permitting wolves to hide among the sheep, all the while devouring those who really do belong to Christ.

It is not difficult to answer the question. Who is a Christian? Let’s have God’s Word answer:

1Jn 2:9-11 Whoever says he is in the light and hates his brother is still in darkness. (10) Whoever loves his brother abides in the light, and in him there is no cause for stumbling. (11) But whoever hates his brother is in the darkness and walks in the darkness, and does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded his eyes.

1Jn 2:29 If you know that he is righteous, you may be sure that everyone who practices righteousness has been born of him.

1Jn 3:8-10 Whoever makes a practice of sinning is of the devil, for the devil has been sinning from the beginning. The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the works of the devil. (9) No one born of God makes a practice of sinning, for God’s seed abides in him; and he cannot keep on sinning, because he has been born of God. (10) By this it is evident who are the children of God, and who are the children of the devil: whoever does not practice righteousness is not of God, nor is the one who does not love his brother.

Mat 7:17-20 So, every healthy tree bears good fruit, but the diseased tree bears bad fruit. (18) A healthy tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a diseased tree bear good fruit. (19) Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. (20) Thus you will recognize them by their fruits.

And we could go on and on. Merely saying “I am a Christian, I believe in Jesus,” is not enough. Prove it. Where is the good fruit? If the person’s life is characterized by sin, if a man for example (or a woman) is habitually abusing their spouse, that person is not born again. The fruit exposes the real nature of the heart.

Think about Jesus’ words – you must be born again. BORN again. Made a new person, a new creation. Old man put to death in Christ, and a new person raised. Radical change. An entirely different mindset. And yet, most local churches are enslaved to this lie that we must believe someone is a Christian because they say they are a Christian and it is wrong to “judge” them. Yet Jesus tells us to examine the fruit.

Church members who are walking in sin (like that evil man in the church at Corinth, see I Corinthians 5), are regularly excused with at best stupid mantras like “well, you know, we are all sinners.” Or “we must not judge.” Those statements are lies which deny God’s own Word and permit evil people to walk among the saints. God’s instruction to us is not unclear:

1Co 5:11-13 But now I am writing to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of brother if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed, or is an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or swindler—not even to eat with such a one. (12) For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Is it not those inside the church whom you are to judge? (13) God judges those outside. “Purge the evil person from among you.”

Are there people in your local church who are “so-called” Christians, who are characterized by reviling (a biblical word for the abuser), then why is the church associating with them? Why is the church serving them the Lord’s table? Why are they not being purged from among the saints?” More often than we would like to think, it is because many of the members of the church – even many pastors and elders – are only “so-called” brethren themselves. It is by no means a rare scenario wherein even most of a local church membership is unconverted.

If God’s Word is faithfully preached, the real nature of church members will be exposed. Darkness hates the light. The children of the devil hate Christ’s true people. They will do all they can to silence the ministry of the Word and if that doesn’t work, they will do just as John said:

1Jn 2:19 They went out from us, but they were not of us; for if they had been of us, they would have continued with us. But they went out, that it might become plain that they all are not of us.

And THAT is true church growth!

Cults, Tyrants, Lying Media, and RASN’s Have this in Common

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On November 8, 2024

In Counseling, Getting Free

But the serpent said to the woman, “You will not surely die. For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate, and she also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate. (Genesis 3:4-6)

A very common tactic of evil is to use lies to instill fear in people whom that evil craves to control. The thing is Satanic, as you can see in the scripture quoted above. Satan lies and he does so not only to deceive, but to deceive and manipulate through fear.

This object of this fear, that is to say – the persons who this deception causes victims to fear – are the very people who have the welfare of the victim at heart. God, for example, forbade Adam and Eve from eating of that tree. And He did so for their good – so that they would know that life comes from obeying Him, and death from rebelling against Him. He created all things for their good.

Satan, knowing this, set out to brainwash Adam and Eve. He lied and convinced them that God did not have their welfare in mind, but in fact was keeping them back from something good. They fell for the deception and the rest is sad history.

This alienation of victims from those people who desire their welfare is a typical and fundamental tactic of the wicked. To alienate. To instill fear of the very people who should not be feared. That is why, for instance, the domestic abuser will very commonly work to alienate and distance the victim from friends and family. The abuser will perhaps move the family far away from the victim’s support group. He will strictly control all communication with those people. He will lie to the victim, working to convince her that he alone is to be trusted.

We have seen this evil mechanism at work in the political arena. Lying people who crave power and control work energetically through their propaganda media to convince their target that a virtual apocalypse will take place if the opposition is elected to office. And when that opponent is elected, what have we seen? Absolute melt-downs in terrified people who have been so brain-washed that they just know the end of the world is at hand. I feel empathy for such people because they really are terrified. And I feel rage for those who instilled that fear in them simply because they lusted for power and control.

If you have ever tried to help a victim of domestic abuse, as an example, then you may have encountered this exact barrier in the victim. Some have been so propagandized by their abuser that they will not trust you. I have had them look at me and say, “he is my hero.” They really have been convinced of it. There certainly must be some real parallels between this kind of control and that exercised upon members of a cult, so that “de-programming” is necessary. It surely must be very similar to what Hebrews describes:

Since therefore the children share in flesh and blood, he himself likewise partook of the same things, that through death he might destroy the one who has the power of death, that is, the devil, and deliver all those who through fear of death were subject to lifelong slavery. (Heb 2:14-15)

Fear of death resulting in lifelong slavery.

This makes me think of an animal caught in one of those metal leg traps. You come across it in the woods and you want to set it free. But there is a problem – the animal is terribly scared of you and won’t let you close. You have its freedom and life as your goal, but it is in bondage to the one who trapped it and wants to kill it.

It really is, then, the truth that will set us free. The victim of domestic abuse absolutely must come to see the truth – that in fact the real enemy is the abuser, not those who desire to help her. For the persons who desire to see her set free, the wait for this awakening can be a very difficult time.

The Damaging Dissonance of the Abuser

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On November 5, 2024

In Abusers

“Their throat is an open grave; they use their tongues to deceive.” “The venom of asps is under their lips.” “Their mouth is full of curses and bitterness.” (Rom 3:13-14)

One of the most painful missiles which RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists) launch at others derives its evil energy from what I am calling “dissonance.” In music, dissonance is “a mingling of sounds that strike the ear harshly : a mingling of discordant sounds.” A lack, in other words, of harmony. Harmony is pleasing to the ear. Dissonance is not. Usually in music, dissonance is resolved into harmony.

But when it comes to the RASN’s dissonance, there is never real resolution. Let me explain.

RASNs so often use a disguise. They are the great pretenders. On the one hand they speak harmonious words which resonate as kindness in our ears. Then in an instant, dissonance! Harsh, bitter, accusing, unkind. And here is the thing – this dissonance is confusing. It is unpleasant and hurtful, but worse – it confuses us. Because here is a person who, perhaps even moments before, spoke kindly, giving us the impression they love us, and then seemingly as if a switch goes off, is now attacking us.

This dissonance causes us to question ourselves. To wonder what in the world we have done to cause this. The harsh words typically make us not only feel accused, but to think that we are guilty of the accusation. Because, after all, are they not coming from someone who we think is a friend?

It is very, very helpful to recognize this dissonance for what it is. When we are in relationship with someone who is habitually (on occasion WE can be dissonant) … who is habitually dissonant in their words and actions toward us, then we are dealing with a pretender. The mask is on, then the mask is off. On. Then Off. But when we are dealing with a person whose words and actions are harmonious, that is a sign of a healthy, non-toxic person.

A True Church is a Place Where Christ is Present and Where Christ Speaks to His People

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On October 29, 2024

In Churches/Church Response

And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near. (Hebrews 10:24-25)

Virtually all of you whom I have had communication with are people who – to my knowledge – truly desire to have fellowship with Christ’s people. But it has grown increasingly difficult to find Christ’s people, hasn’t it? Many of you have told me how you have searched and searched for a real church where Christ is truly present and His Word is truly preached and practiced. But to your frustration, you have come up empty. This is not because you are one of those narrow, picky, everything-must-be-an-exact-match type individuals. But because you want to be in a fellowship of real believers who love Christ and one another and love His Word and strive to be holy and who will not permit evil to exist in their midst.

Think of the verse I cited above. What is the expected result when a Christian fellowships in a real church? You are stirred up to love and good works. You are encouraged. Your faith and hope are strengthened because you watch more and more for Christ’s return.

Now, think about all of this. If I go to a supposed church and I am DIS-couraged, where I do not find myself “stirred up” to serve the Lord Jesus more and to love Him and His people more, and to do His good works more, then what in the world is going on? I can tell you. Christ is not present. The thing looks like a Christian church, but it really isn’t – or at least it is a very sick one. The primary illness in such places is a famine of the Word of God preached. The preacher may claim to be preaching God’s Word, he may be quoting some scripture verses, but so often what is really happening is man’s word is being preached. Tradition, not the Word.

And this famine of the Word of God has terrible effects. It builds a counterfeit church consisting of counterfeit “christians.” When you are in the midst of the counterfeit, nothing good is going to happen. You will be exposed to anything from Pharisaism and its harsh judgments to rank liberalism that denies the fundamentals of the gospel. These things often present themselves in very confusing disguise, so they sneak up on you and make you think that you are the problem.

And, once more I say, this is why our church here has continued to invite Christ’s people to join us, even if you live far away. We have been very blessed by numbers of people who have come to consider us their church and to be regarded as part of the body of Christ here. I talk to them almost every week. Some even travel here to meet us face to face and this is a great encouragement to all.

We are not to neglect to meet together with the saints. But this gathering is with the saints. Just because you might be physically present in a local church in a face-to-face setting, does not mean you are gathering together with one another, ie, with the saints. In fact I maintain that nothing good comes from fellowshipping in a counterfeit place that has a form of godliness but denies its real power.

If you are the kind of discouraged Christian I am describing here, our invitation goes out to you. All you need do is let me know and you will be welcome. And by the way, have I ever mentioned to you that there are only two kinds of people who are welcome in Christ’s church? Think about it. First, genuine Christians. People who are born again through faith alone in Christ alone. The real deal. And second, people who sense the Lord is calling them, perhaps even bringing them under a real conviction of sin and their need of salvation. People who want to hear about Christ and this free offer of salvation He died to procure for all who believe in Him.

But hypocrites, fakes, counterfeits, wolves – need not apply.

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