Now there was a man in Maon whose business was in Carmel; and the man was very rich, and he had three thousand sheep and a thousand goats. And it came about while he was shearing his sheep in Carmel (now the man’s name was Nabal, and his wife’s name was Abigail. And the woman was intelligent and beautiful in appearance, but the man was harsh and evil in his dealings, and he was a Calebite), (1Sa 25:2-3)
When Abigail saw David, she hurried and dismounted from her donkey, and fell on her face before David and bowed herself to the ground. She fell at his feet and said, “On me alone, my lord, be the blame. And please let your maidservant speak to you, and listen to the words of your maidservant. “Please do not let my lord pay attention to this worthless man, Nabal, for as his name is, so is he. Nabal is his name and folly is with him; but I your maidservant did not see the young men of my lord whom you sent. “Now therefore, my lord, as the LORD lives, and as your soul lives, since the LORD has restrained you from shedding blood, and from avenging yourself by your own hand, now then let your enemies and those who seek evil against my lord, be as Nabal. (1Sa 25:23-26)
Abigail was married to a RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist). Nabal the fool (as Abigail emphasized, ‘for as his name is, so is he.’), had put his entire household in mortal danger. David and his men were coming to wipe them out as a result of Nabal’s wickedness. So what did Abigail do?
She took action to protect herself and the entire household. She exercised self-defense. She was married to an abuser and she was an abused wife. She defended herself. And the Lord blessed her.
Surely we can see in this account that God permits abused women to defend themselves. To take action. Such actions can include many things – making economic provision for escape, separation, divorce, and so on. She has a right to ask for help. She has a right to expose her RASN’s evil foolishness and tactics. All of these things are simply forms of self-defense.
Those people who (some pastors, many Christians, theologians, counselors)…who deny the abuse victim’s God-given rights to self-defense need to be called to accounts for the ridiculous ends to which such denials lead. If an abuser is poisoning his target, if he picks up a gun or a knife and is threatening to kill her, consistency requires these people to insist that the victim must submit, even if it kills her. Some Christian leaders have actually come out and said this, claiming that the “suffering” will sanctify her and if she dies, well, all the abuser has done is send her to glory. The Apostle Paul had the right to appeal to Caesar, but abuse victims do not?
Veronica Miyake
Well said, Pastor. I continually turned to Abigail as an example of how to deal with the abusive husband I was married to.
Surviving & Thriving Through RASNs Weaponizing Christmas
Thank you for the reminder that this incredibly arduous defenders’ journey is among those also from generations past. As a survivor, the Christmas season is riddled with “let’s all be warm and cozy, forgive means forget all betrayals and harm from the RASNs and their allies, rainbows and unicorns, fake believer fantasy life”…… your reminder to stay our course and know that our Lord has us covered is well timed, thank you!
Kerry Kaiser
I completely agree with this post.
Notably, God took Nable out of Abigail’s life soon after she took measures to protected herself and family.
Is this not what the church is supposed to be doing for abuse victims? Obviously, I’m not suggesting harming the perpetrator; but rather, keeping him (excommunication, financial or any other needed support) from hurting the victim.
Jeff Crippen
Apparently most pastors and churches do not believe domestic abuse is very serious. They are either ignorant of what it is or they believe God gives an abuser the right to disregard marriage vows and use marriage as an excise to own a slave.
Z
Pastor, you are 100% right about pastors not taking domestic abuse seriously.
I reached out to my pastor when I young and married to an abuser. That was my “escape marriage” at age 21 after being forced to go to an in-state college (my dream was to go to an out of state college to finally get away from my abusive ex-parents after-but I was not allowed). And all I knew as “normal” for a marriage was abuse and that’s what I got.
That pastor was no help at all to me. All he did was ask ME questions about MY behavior as a “Christian wife” as if I were the problem. He never even spoke to the abuser. Was very welcoming even after his knowledge that he broke me jaw and strangled me to unconsciousness.
I later found out that pastor-from a wealthy family which 100% funded building his church-was one of domestic violence too. His father-the lifelong abuser of his wife and children-“held court” each Sunday as the most eminent saint in that church. Put on a pedestal by everyone.
I just stopped going to church. Totally forsaken.
As an adult, long remarried to a true Christian man, I reached out to my different pastor about my fake Christian parents’ abuses of my husband and me. Asking for help to keep peace in my family under the increasingly intolerable situation.
Again, no help. The pastor and his wife happily accepted the many lavish dinner invitations at their home! Knowing they were abusive to children of God. Not only did that pastor not heed Paul’s 1 Cor. 5:9-13 commands to expose, expel, not associate with, not even EAT WITH such wicked people who call themselves “brothers and sisters” yet engage in egregious sins unrepentantly. That was the abusers’ “go-to tactic” of bribery. Banquet feasts or paid for dinners out. To pose as hospitable, generous, saintly “Christians”.
That pastor never mentioned or addressed what if told him about lifelong continuing abuse happening right under his nose. And being covered up by so many other congregants of his church. My now ex-relatives and lifelong church friends. They too all willingly turned a blind eye to the abuses they actually witnessed many times. They got “paid” for their loyalty. Money, gifts, dinners, invitations to the parties…NO ONE wanted to give up or feel excluded from any of the creature comforts the abusers offered.
When I’d ask my elder of the church aunt why she remained silent about what she knew and saw, she said, “Oh, God’s grace covers their sins with the Blood of Jesus.” I said she should know her Bible well after 50-60 years as a “Christian” and what Paul said about the wicked false Christians and about elders being held to a higher standard by God…and more. She hung up on me.
That’s when I knew I had to go No Contact with EVERYONE in that group of liars, conspirators, cover up artists who are still complicit in evil.
Why pastors don’t see the “soul murder” of abuse as ministers of Jesus to His sheep is beyond my comprehension.
But thank God for you, pastor. You did not take the easy way out which would have forsaken so many of your flock’s sheep as well as the rest of us who greatly benefit from your Scripturally proper and obedient use of your gifts in your calling. Thank you so much for bearing witness and being a light in that darkness of domestic abuse hiding (and even embraced and celebrated) in our churches.
honestly2bc4126492
I have finally made the decision to leave! No recriminations, no ill feeling. This is not working – after 46 yrs of a diabolical marriage. God has said ‘Enough – time to go’! ‘He’ (the man involved) even told me to go!! God is now making the way straight and obvious for me and I am hearing from God daily now, which I couldn’t before because of the compromise in my life. Once I recognised and repented of all the ‘false’ agreements, hopes, dreams, covenants, imaginings etc etc I had been holding on to, the truth became stunningly apparent!! It was a very good and very necessary step I had to take because we (the abused) keep kidding ourselves its all going to be ok and its all going to work out, in many and various ways. Believing falsehood in actual fact! Once you decide to say ‘No’ to your imagined dreams and religious garbage you’ve been holding on to, the way opens up!! I cant wait for my future to unfold! The article on Ephesians 5 and what submission means was excellent. Also, read Malachi 2:13-16. The Bloke involved is the one who has broken the covenant because God hates violence – emotional, psychological, physical, and financial! Ive had the lot! Thanks Jeff for the eyes opened and support of your teaching!
Jeff Crippen
Excellent!!
Jeff Crippen
The following comment is from Sarah and relates to “honestly”‘s comment above:
After 34yrs of marriage I finally got out of denial. And oh my, how I have paid for it in ways too many to count. I had no idea my husband was so cruel. I filed in November & there’s no smooth divorce with a covert passive aggressive npd abuser. I lived in confusion, chronically exhausted & sicker & sicker. But miraculously after leaving him all malady gone. And he’s livid. No repentance whatsoever. Please pray for my adopted 10 yr old as he visits with our abuser but hopefully will become supervised visits. God is still & will always be good. I have finally found my voice. Thank you Jesus