2 Corinthians 11:13-15 For such men are false apostles, deceitful workmen, disguising themselves as apostles of Christ. (14) And no wonder, for even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light. (15) So it is no surprise if his servants, also, disguise themselves as servants of righteousness. Their end will correspond to their deeds.
Many of you have found out the hard way that there is something called “parental alienation” which is a tactic very often used against abuse victims in court proceedings. In order to explain why children do not want to live with the abuser, the abuse victim (generally the mother) is accused of turning the children against their father. This subject is huge in child custody proceedings. The children, it is claimed, have been you might say brainwashed by the mother. Parental alienation, you see. In spite of the children’s wishes not to be with the abuser, they are ordered by the court to do so.
Now, is it possible that there are some cases of parental alienation? Yes. In fact there are MANY. But the truth is that the real culprit, the real alienator, is the abuser. You have heard of projection – the very thing the evil one is accusing the victim of is the thing the abuser is doing himself.
Domestic abusers seek power, control, and revenge. They typically want to make the abuse victim suffer. She has dared to leave the marriage. She has dared to take her abuser to court to obtain a just settlement. She has refused to subject herself to the abuse any longer. And one of the “possessions” (that is what abusers view the children as) is the children.
Domestic abusers do not love anyone except themselves. Like thief father the devil, they are all about being the center of the world. Other people exist only to feed their ego, to project the counterfeit image to which all are required to bow down. That is all you are to a RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist). That is all you have ever been and all you ever will be in a relationship with a RASN. And this can be a hard pill to swallow – to come to the realization that your husband or your father NEVER loved you. Never. It has always been all about him (or sometimes her). Relationship with such a person is toxic. It is poison. It tears you down as the RASN uses you.
To prevent being sucked in by the RASN’s deception, we need to first realize and admit that he is indeed a RASN. Once we see this clearly, then we are in a position to interpret his motives. Does he bring the children gifts? His motive is an evil one. Does he take the children to Disneyland? His motive is an evil one. Does he claim to love the children more than their mother does? His motive is an evil one. Everything he does is driven by his lust for power and control. In all of this, the abuser is the parental alienator.
One of the traps we “normals” get sucked into is to think that the RASN is thinking like we do. After all, aren’t we taught in church that love “assumes the best”? And aren’t children supposed to honor their parents? These are the kinds of Scripture which the “christian” RASN distorts and uses. He comes as a sad-eyed puppy seeking our love. But it is a lie. Satan told Adam and Eve that he was looking out for their good. But in fact the Serpent was working a kind of parental alienation – alienating Adam and Eve from God their Father.
How do we teach these things to our children? It isn’t easy. They are so young and inexperienced. They are not naturally wise about evil. And they have this parental bond with the RASN. He is, after all, their earthly father. Children WANT their father to love them. They want to believe him when he says or does things which appear to be acts of love. But they aren’t. They are evil tactics – weapons of deception. And as long as we cling to the fantasy that maybe, maybe, maybe, one day…he will love me…we will remain in bondage. We will be like Charlie Brown trying to kick the football, thinking that maybe THIS time, Lucy won’t pull the ball away at the last second. But she does, and down on our face we go once more.
Lynn
When dealing with a RASN parent, we must realize what drives their actions – a desire for power and control. Everything they do is in service of chasing that feeling.
They do not know how to love in the agape sense of the word. Their version of love is self-focused, designed to grant them their heart’s desire at the expense of everyone else. Actions that may appear “loving” on the surface are done from a place of getting what they want, not from a heart that reflects the agape love of God, for they cannot reflect what they do not possess.
We must remind ourselves of what the agape love of God is and means. It helps us distinguish who is genuine and who is fake. Agape means – wish well to, take pleasure in, long for; denotes the love of reason, and/or esteem. It is deeper than actions alone, but also gets to our motives. Two people can take the same action – take a friend on a weekend adventure – but only the one doing it out of a motive of love is putting agape love into practice. Any other motive is self-serving, manipulative, and evil.
Agape love means actively doing what the Lord prefers through His power and direction. Remember, agape love is supernatural. It requires the Spirit of God to enable the Christian to do what God prefers. It’s why prayer and study of God’s word are important. We must ensure we know God and understand what he prefers, lest we be misled and unintentionally inflict harm. God defines agape love as a “discriminating affection which involves choice and selection.” His agape love isn’t available to all, only to the people He chose before the foundations of the world.
RASNs aren’t recipients of God’s love because they are children of the devil. They love darkness and hate light. God is light, life, and love, which repels RASNs because they want to be God but refuse to submit to and give him the glory, honour, and praise due to his name. God will not force himself on unbelievers whose hearts are set on loving darkness. In fact, He will give that person over to the darkness so that even when they are confronted with the light that would save them, they turn away and seek to punish all who reflect the light of God.
As Christians, how we “love” RASNs will not align with their expectations. They want to be worshipped, pampered, adored, and blindly obeyed, which Christians cannot do without violating their commitment to Christ. Christ must be preeminent. The RASN also insists on being preeminent. You can only serve one master. If you choose the RASN, you cannot serve God. If you choose God, you cannot serve the RASN.
God desires each one of his children to walk in His freedom. He desires it so much that he sent Jesus to make the way for us to live and walk in His freedom now and in eternity. True freedom is found in Christ. For who the Son sets free is free indeed. Go and be free.
Denise
This is so true. I read a book called, The Quincy Solution: Stop Domestic Violence and Save $500 Billion Dollars, which I highly recommend. In the book the author documents the “crisis in the custody courtroom” and how abusers use so-called “experts” in parental alienation in family court custody cases, but how in actuality these “experts” are really part of a money making cottage industry that aids abusers in their quest for revenge. (This is a book I think should be required reading for everyone in professional law making and enforcing positions – from law enforcement officers, to politicians, right up to judges.) As you say, we have to see the abuser for who he really is and not turn a blind eye to the reality of evil in all its forms as it pertains to RASNs.
Kaye F
This couldn’t be more timely. My adult son went no contact with his dad for 4 years after he turned 19. He decided to “give him another chance” and for the last year has been walking on eggshells, apologizing, feeling sorry for his dad… Until he had had enough of the anxiety and “all on his dad’s terms” relationship. He sent him a text to test the waters, address some of the issues and see if he might be open to “family therapy”. The response my son got was that his dad was “hurt by the divorce and so was he” that I had been poisoning him against his dad. (I honestly prefer not to talk about him at all, ha. Hallelujah, I am free!) He had enough of his own reasons and his dad was only gaslighting him per usual that he couldn’t possibly be experiencing anything negative or real on his own.
Anyways, boy did this resonate and I am feeling the love from God underlining what’s really going on here…. And speaking the “Don’t you dare own any of that.”
Thanks for your constant voice of reason. I’m so grateful.
KJ
I can’t thank you enough for this article. I didn’t believe it at first when I read it. But sitting here with my Bible reading Galatians 5:19-21 and seeing how adultery, greed etc go hand in hand with hatred….
Looking at all the other scriptures that support this from Proverbs (29:22, 22:24-25) and many others I realize am I wiser than God? His word clearly shows we must stay away!
Thank you thank you
K.J
cee
As the daughter of a RASN parent who was unknowingly alienated by the abuser from my own mother, I can confirm everything in this article is true. RASNS do not love their children. They enjoy the process of destroying lives without conscience, without remorse, and couldn’t care less about those left strewn in their wake, their own children or families.
Thank you so much pastor Crippen for speaking truth about this issue of RASNs, and for your excellent blog. Seeing how the truth of this experience connects to so many scriptures in God’s Word has been tremendously healing for me, and I thank God for you.
A few months ago, I did a study on the word “wicked” and found that there are 325 verses in which the word appears in the bible. And each accurately describe the life-long patterns and behaviors of RASNs,seemingly to a tee. Acts 13:10 and John 8:44 really nail it too. God truly understands the anguish of those unwanted, unloved and abused castaways in this world. It was my Heavenly Father and the wonderful husband God brought me who have shown and taught me what real love is and looks like, and I’m so thankful. Thank you again so much, and God Bless you and all here.
Cordellia
“Children WANT their father to love them. They want to believe him when he says or does things which appear to be acts of love. But they aren’t. They are evil tactics – weapons of deception.”
One of my children, although out of high school, is *still* trapped by the abuser’s lies that I’m the one that caused all the chaos and the divorce. His hook is money. Abuser to child: Got in a car wreck; need another car?–$$$ Have a girlfriend; want to take her to a really nice place for entertainment and a meal?—$$$ Lost your job?; need to pay your rent?— $$$ This is the child I was unaware since around the age of 3 was being gaslight behind my back and I only found out about it from one of the other children *after* the divorce. I asked my child who told me about the horrible things the abuser said about me, behind my back, “Why didn’t you tell me all those years ago?!” He said he didn’t want to add to my burdens… I guess, he also was afraid to loss the family unit…
Of course the abuser remarried after the divorce (I was informed they were sleeping together *before* the “marriage” by people who were visiting at his home, while she was there.) Oh, and the pastor from the church we attended as a family (and who refused to believe me I was being abused) married the abuser and his new wife/victim. The abuser has made sure to infuse his new wife into every facet of my children’s lives in order to erase me. HE is the driving force behind all the disruption, the discourse, the chaos, and the confusion.
Jeff Crippen
Cordellia – The pulpits of churches are largely filled with “pastors” just like the one who would not believe you (in his arrogance) and who performed the subsequent adulterous marriage. Such pastors are people pleasers because they don’t want to suffer for the sake of Christ. Most of them are not even regenerate. That pastor is going to give an accounting to the Chief Shepherd one day and it isn’t going to go well for him.
Cordellia
As soon as I said, “I’m being abused…” the pastor scowled and glared at me, folded his arms, and pushed his chair away from me and remained that way the entire time. I made sure his wife was there, so neither he nor my abuser could twist what transpired there. She immediately told him, “Wait, hear her out”; by her tone and expression I believe she meant it in the best way towards me. I told the pastor *not* to tell my abuser about the meeting, but he did anyway. I found photos on the church website and there’s the abuser sitting next to the pastor at all the church potluck dinners and at Sunday Bible study. And found checks written for children who were going out on Mission trips, yet telling me he would not pay for my dental work.