“Their throat is an open grave; they use their tongues to deceive.” “The venom of asps is under their lips.” “Their mouth is full of curses and bitterness.” (Rom 3:13-14)
One of the most painful missiles which RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists) launch at others derives its evil energy from what I am calling “dissonance.” In music, dissonance is “a mingling of sounds that strike the ear harshly : a mingling of discordant sounds.” A lack, in other words, of harmony. Harmony is pleasing to the ear. Dissonance is not. Usually in music, dissonance is resolved into harmony.
But when it comes to the RASN’s dissonance, there is never real resolution. Let me explain.
RASNs so often use a disguise. They are the great pretenders. On the one hand they speak harmonious words which resonate as kindness in our ears. Then in an instant, dissonance! Harsh, bitter, accusing, unkind. And here is the thing – this dissonance is confusing. It is unpleasant and hurtful, but worse – it confuses us. Because here is a person who, perhaps even moments before, spoke kindly, giving us the impression they love us, and then seemingly as if a switch goes off, is now attacking us.
This dissonance causes us to question ourselves. To wonder what in the world we have done to cause this. The harsh words typically make us not only feel accused, but to think that we are guilty of the accusation. Because, after all, are they not coming from someone who we think is a friend?
It is very, very helpful to recognize this dissonance for what it is. When we are in relationship with someone who is habitually (on occasion WE can be dissonant) … who is habitually dissonant in their words and actions toward us, then we are dealing with a pretender. The mask is on, then the mask is off. On. Then Off. But when we are dealing with a person whose words and actions are harmonious, that is a sign of a healthy, non-toxic person.
Esther
Thank you so much for explaining how I almost always felt with my ex-husband. It is a reality that is hard to put into words and explain to people, but you just explained it so well. Others who know them and only see the masked side, think you are imagining it and don’t really understand what you are trying to explain. The RASN says kind things while the mask is on, and then when the mask is off they’re attacking you. It’ s a very confusing feeling and as you said you feel you did something to bring that on. I have a friend who is going through that right now. She is married to an abuser, and his actions and words are horrifically abusive. He is constantly criticizing her privately and openly in front of friends and family. He is always trying to show other people just how bad she really is. He lured her into marriage with flowers, gifts, and sweet words. But once married, he became his true self. She is trying to be a good Christian wife and is praying and hoping for change. On the outside looking in, others of us see different and know he isn’t looking for change. I pray I can share some of your articles with her, so that she can understand what she’s up against. Again, thank you for being the voice of truth. I appreciate your writings and your desire to expose this evil type of person.
Jeff Crippen
Thank you Esther!!
Judi
Thank you, deeply, for your book; I am on p 162; I have been married to a verbally and emotionally abusive man who professes Christ as his Savior for 35 years. It was just this year that I realized there is a term for him… narcissist. I attend a wonderful church where the pastors have been helping me when I separated from my husband for 7 weeks in March/ April…. I returned because he basically begged me to as he is in poor health. I insisted that if I return he needs to go to Biblical counseling at our church…. he agreed but stopped when it became evident to them through video evidence that he is abusive. He recently left that church as well. My pastors have since notified that church. Thank you for your book…. I have marked it up so much with hearts and asterisks, and many OH MY GOODNESS remarks and even a big WHAT ! on p. 128 when I read: A marriage to an abuser does not need to be fixed, it needs to be ended. Thank you for understanding our pain and encouraging us through God’s Word.
Jeff Crippen
Your words are very encouraging Judi. So glad you found my book and it has been a help to you.