Jer 8:10-11 Therefore I will give their wives to others and their fields to conquerors, because from the least to the greatest everyone is greedy for unjust gain; from prophet to priest, everyone deals falsely. (11) They have healed the wound of my people lightly, saying, ‘Peace, peace,’ when there is no peace.
As many of you are very much aware, the Lord’s words about the wicked false prophets and priests play out in our day all the time as well. I want to show you how you as a target of an abuser can expect to hear this pronouncement from so many of those to whom you turn for help. “Peace, peace” – when in fact there is no peace.
A common response to someone who blows the whistle on evil is what we call “minimization.” “You are making a mountain out of a mole hill. Surely it can’t be that serious. Everyone has hard times in their marriage. He was just having a bad day. He didn’t really mean it.” That sort of thing. Taking a very serious evil and watering it down. Minimizing it. And I maintain that this is of the very same spirit as those false prophets Jeremiah faced. “Peace. We have peace with God. All is well. No need to worry yourself. Don’t listen to Jeremiah. He’s always doom and gloom you know.”
But what is the truth? The truth is that there is NO peace with an abuser. Never. Not now. Not ever. There really are people who desire war, and abusers are of that genre. You know it if you are a target of such a man. The cycle of abuse (you can find that cycle diagrammed in most books on abuse or online) ALWAYS is headed toward another round of abuse even while it seems to be in the “peace” mode. Because all that such a false peace is doing is serving up the abuser the ability to dupe his victim into thinking, as he loves to say, “oh, that will never happen again.” Or “that never happened, are you crazy? Let’s go out on a nice date.”
You may have read elsewhere where I have told the story of one of the most evil men and abusers I have ever come across. He caused grief and trouble for decades. But when he was exposed and sent down the road, his pitiable-face response was “but we did have some good times didn’t we?” The answer? NO! None. Even in those “peaceful” times his motive was simply to set us up for the next attack.
When you are in a relationship with an abuser, there is no peace. And yet, expect it, you are going to have people around you telling you, in varieties of terms, “peace, peace. All is well. It’s ok. Go home and try harder.” Don’t believe them. Recognize their false message for what it is. Don’t believe your abuser when he starts in on another abuse cycle, working to set you up for the next bootsmack.
Pro 25:19 Trusting in a treacherous man in time of trouble is like a bad tooth or a foot that slips.
Yes, there ARE treacherous men. Do not put your trust in them. All they ever offer is a false peace.
Christy
On point again! Thank you for speaking the truth! Abusers will talk you around in circles making you feel like you’re the crazy one, all the while minimizing what they did or said.
Jeff Crippen
Thx Christy. It’s true!
Starlight
This is so true! These were the messages my abuser left on my cell phone when I called police and reported the abuse when I separated from him:
A day later he was arrested and charged with assault and removed from my home.
Anne
WOW! Another unrepentant, manipulative, con-artist always with the guilt barbs! Abuser M.O.
Anne
“but we did have some good times didn’t we?”
Pastor Crippen, I can’t begin to tell you how vindicated I feel seeing you put these words to paper! I lost count how many times this was thrown in my face! My answer was always, “YOU had the good time! I was the one doing for you, forgiving you, taking care of every last detail in the marriage, in the home, with the children, while you lived however you wanted. I paid the price for YOUR good times! His other self-inflated response was, “But you would miss me if we divorced.” HA! I miss him, like I would miss a plague!