Where a relationship ends up reveals what it was from the beginning
Often we can find ourselves going down that memory lane, thinking that things were so great back then. For anyone in a relationship with a RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) and especially for a person married to a RASN, those good old days were not, in fact, the good old days.
One of the truths the target of a RASN needs to come to grips with is that at some point their marriage “went wrong.” It used to be good, but then it took a turn down abuser lane. But this is a fiction. When a relationship arrives at abuser-land, we can know that this is really what it always was. The RASN didn’t start out being a “good guy” and then gradually morph into the abuser he (or she) is today. A tree producing rotten fruit always had a bad root.
These are difficult truths to face up to. It isn’t pleasant to come to terms with the truth that the abuser never loved you. Never. Right from the start he was what he is. He may have expended more energy in wearing a disguise then, but a RASN is a RASN and always was a RASN.
As unpleasant as it is to face up to these things, this is the path to freedom. As long as an abuse victim clings to the idea that the RASN has a good side of “the force” within then, she will continue to rationalize and make excuses for the abuser. And generally these excuses have their origin in the abuser himself – “I had a bad upbringing;” “Things at work were hard today,” “You pushed my buttons,” and blah, blah, blah. We all need to realize that the common explanations for an abuser’s actions – “well, he just has anger issues,” etc – originate from the abuser himself. Think about that and let it sink in. The common psychological theory of a domestic abuser originates in the abuser himself. Abusers have been allowed to write the book on abusers!
Counselors and pastors, for example, allow a RASN to explain what is wrong with them and why they treat their spouse like they do. Buying into that nonsense, the counselors and pastors often present the victim with those abuse-excusing explanations and devise a plan of “therapy” founded upon these deceptive lies. The result? The prison of abuse enslaving the victim continues.
Abusers never change.
A marriage to an abuser does not need to be fixed, it needs to be ended.
The ending reveals what the beginning was.
These truths are mile markers on the road to freedom.
CAM
This information is heart breaking but understanding it is key to healing. Thank you so much for your ministry of truth and light. I’m so grateful for your teaching.
Jeff Crippen
Well said!!
Lynn
All relationships with RASNs need to be ended. There is no saving them. Nor is it godly to remain in relationship with a child of Satan. It is a hard truth and a bitter pill to swallow. In the beginning of going no contact, it can feel like losing a limb. I know because I’ve lived it. My RASNs are my parents. Both loved self more than God or me. They did what was right in their own eyes and excused their abuses by cloaking it under the guise of Christianity. They believe that divorce is never permitted.
They normalized toxic behavior. I’ve spent nearly 7 years trying to heal from and overcome the faulty wiring I learned in childhood. I will continue to heal for the rest of my life.
There is great freedom in leaving a RASN. God becomes more real, more precious, because now the journey is not contaminated by the toxicity RASNs inflict. For whom the Son sets free is free indeed. Go be free.
Jeff Crippen
Thank you Lynn. Truth here. Only by ending a RASN relationship will their victim/target ever arrive at clarity in regard to just how enslaving such a toxic relationship can be. That clarity comes increasingly over time, but it comes.