If favor is shown to the wicked, he does not learn righteousness; in the land of uprightness he deals corruptly and does not see the majesty of the LORD. (Isaiah 26:10)
A normal, non-toxic person responds positively to kindness shown to them. They are thankful. They want to show kindness in return. This is how we think and how we respond to kindness shown.
But here is where we go wrong. We believe that surely everyone thinks and responds just as we do. And that is a trap. It is not being wise to imagine that a wicked person such as a RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist) thinks and reacts just like we do. One of the first steps in waking up to these evils is to realize that RASN’s are not wired normally.
Now, certainly we “normals” are capable of sin. There are times when kindness is shown to us and we do not respond with thankfulness. We can be inconsiderate. BUT, look again at the Psalmist’s statement about the wicked. If favor is shown to him/her, he does not learn righteousness. In other words, this is characteristic of the RASN. It is who he is. When kindness is shown to him, he only continues in his wickedness. He does not learn, even in the slightest amount, what is right. His currency is corruption.
We need to learn this truth very, very well. You cannot ‘win’ your abuser by showering him with kindness. The RASN is not going to change in reaction to you resolving to love him more. That is not how he is wired. In fact, I can tell you what his response will be. He will see your kindness as evidence of your weakness and he will be energized to abuse you even more. He does not learn righteousness from being shown favor. He just keeps being even more who he really is. If favor is shown to the wicked, he does not learn righteousness; in the land of uprightness he deals corruptly and does not see the majesty of the LORD.
I have learned this truth the hard way over many years. It took me a long time to finally get it. I still catch myself imagining scenarios that are just that – imaginary. You know, those thoughts where we play out some script in our mind with a “they all changed and lived happily ever after” outcome. Not gonna happen. Not when we are dealing with a RASN. You are not going to change your RASN. That is why I always tell abuse victims two things:
- Your abuser is never going to change.
- A marriage to an abuser does not need to be fixed, it needs to be ended.
Solveig Warren
This is so true and terribly painful to realise how many years you wasted on trying to salvage a minimum of decency!!
However don’t waste time on the awfulness of your life instead turn the awfulness into victories and triumphs as you have survived and are still alive to tell your story! My reason for saying this is the ultimate aim of the RASN is total destruction of you , the victim. Hence any morsels left can be resurrected into a new creation of an almost lost life. There is always hope for victory. Is it worth it? Yes it is!!!!
George
The majesty of God that they don’t see is found in Romans 5:8. ” But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” To truly love your abuser you need to allow your abuser to suffer the consequences of their action. Their life is a response to the perfect love God shows them. ” Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.” We just need to get out of the way and surrender our broken lives to Him.
Lynn
Trying to “love” them to repentance only validates the RASNs beliefs about their superiority and gives them the justification for continuing their abusive ways. We get more of what we accept and reward. When we do not hold RASNs accountable for their abuse, it will only escalate.
Remember God cannot and will not change the heart of a RASN who’s hellbent on their own way. He won’t violate their free will.
The most loving thing that Christians can do for the RASNs in their lives is to establish and stick to firm boundaries, and call them to repentance. If they refuse to repent and continue to inflict harm, then pray to God for his divine justice to intervene and hand them over to Him to deal with. Start putting together a plan to leave in a manner that will allow for you to escape safely. If they’ve broken the law, at a time when you are safe go to the police and file a report.
This is why I believe everyone – especially women – need to get and maintain skills that they can use to earn money. You never know what will happen in life. If you do accidentally get married to a RASN, having the ability to earn your own money will help you be able to achieve freedom faster than if you are solely dependent on the RASN for money to live.
If you are a Christian, know that God loves you, wants what is best for you, and doesn’t demand that you stay in an abusive relationship, You don’t have to wait to die or for the RASN to die in order to get free. Abuse is grounds for divorce. 100% of abusive marriages should be ended, not reconciled. Light and darkness can’t be reconciled. Good and evil can’t be reconciled. Christians and RASNs can’t be reconciled.
We aren’t supposed to be unequally yoked in marriage, nor are we supposed to be slaves forever if we end up married to a RASN. Marriage is meant to be a great blessing, not a curse of lifelong slavery. As God used Moses to free the children of Israel from slavery to the Egyptians, He can free you from the slavery of an abusive marriage.
Depending on the nature of your RASN, how you leave will be vitally important to your and your children’s safety. Put a plan together for how you can do that safely, asking God for wisdom and guidance for how to do it, and what steps you need to do in order to make it happen.
Christ came and bought our freedom from sin, the devil, and the grave redeeming us from the curse of Adam. For whom the Son sets free is free indeed, Go be free.