Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace. (1Co 7:15)
The question I would invite your comments on is not exactly parallel to the verse quoted above, but there is some correlation. Here is the question:
Why would a person demand to remain married to a spouse who does not want to be married to them any longer”
In other words – here is the common scenario where a RASN is involved – The victim of the RASN announces that he/she is leaving the marriage. Does not want to be married to the RASN anymore. You know how typically this situation plays out – the RASN fights the divorce energetically. Puts all kinds of roadblocks out there to force the departing spouse to remain. Threats – economic, child custody, church discipline, etc. But, I am asking, WHY? Why would anyone want to continue in a marriage when their spouse does not want to be married to them any longer? I mean, what kind of “marriage” is that?
What do you think? What motivates a RASN to demand that the marriage be continued?
Susan Tramper
Money!
Jeff Crippen
That certainly comes into play as an evil motive very often, doesn’t it? Yes. A divorce will cost the RASN in finances – splitting up the assets. But refusal to do so and to work to force the spouse to stay in the marriage really reveals the evil of that person’s heart, doesn’t it? I mean, what kind of a marriage is that? “Yes, she wants out because she falsely claims I am…., but I am going to force her to stay married to me.”
lg
Its all about power and control.
He sees her attempt to leave as usurping his power and control.
and she acted unilaterally – initiated something without his consent.
“She didn’t ask for my consent so I didn’t give my consent” was an actual testimony from my abuser at trial and incredibly this went over everyone’s heads.
Sarah
Control
Pure selfishness
Evil
Manipulation (not only of the victim, but other people… the abuser makes themselves the victim to everyone else… they “still love the other person and want to stay married” but the other person refuses to reconcile… it allows them to continue their facade of being the best Christian or person and makes themselves the victim. This gives them the support of the church and support of the real victim’s family and friends.)
They don’t actually want to stay married but they fight it out to keep up the charade and also to continue to make life difficult for the victim for as long as possible. It alienates support from the victim.
That’s what I have observed.
Jeff Crippen
Truth. I have never experienced abuse in a marriage setting – but I can sure identify with what you say because lots of RASNs parading as fine christians have attacked me in these ways exactly. Similarly we might ask – why remain in a church if you think the pastor is abusing you? Why not just leave? But RASNs often stay because they want power and control, they want to show everyone how right and saintly they are, and they want revenge on the pastor for “wronging them.” So I know what you say here. It’s true.
Sarah
It’s also especially important if they are involved in church to ensure support for any future “marriage.” “They did all they could, they fought to stay married,” etc. The abuser then uses that to gain support from church leaders to remarry. As you said it’s part of showing how right and saintly they are. This gives the abuser more control over future decisions with church leaders and family and friends. It allows the abuser to manipulate those people and continue to harm the victim doing much greater and longer lasting damage than if they had just walked away
Cy
To play the victim. My RASN, stated he didn’t love me, didn’t even like me and wanted to find someone else, yet he would not leave me. It was a miserable marriage and I left. He is now the poor victim of an ungrateful wife who was mean, nasty, and miserable and is taking half of “his money”. He’s a master at playing the victim.
Jeff Crippen
The RASNs we have dealt with usually go to another church and put all blame on us. The pastors believe them and never check with us.
Rachael
Because the RASN perceives the spouse who is trying to leave as their property and psychological punchbag . If the spouse leaves them, they fear it will tarnish the fake reputation they have built up, and they won’t have someone to bully anymore. So they set about playing the “poor me she’s divorcing me and that can’t be the Lord’s will” card to the Church, who, in my experience, assume that the one leaving is going against God’s will, treat her with isolating looks and heap sympathy and praise on the poor RASN, joining with him to “pray for the marriage”. …. Been there and survived! 🙂
Jacob Dedrick
The rasn does not want to loose their victim. Some people actually most people want others to suffer.
wade
When the victim puts their foot down, saying enough is enough I am leaving, the RASN’s control is being threatened. That is when it gets very “crazy”, the only reason for the “marriage” is to control the victim. And what better place to do this than in the Church where they know there will be more pressure on the victim to stay in their evil clutches. Have children? He considers them “his” property to be used to keep the relationship with the victim.
Veronica Miyake
I agree with Sarah. The RASN wants to look like the good guy, the true Christian, and doesn’t want to give up control of the woman. He uses the children as a weapon to manipulate the woman and get his way. And he’s the victim, so everyone feels sorry for him. “That evil woman is going against scripture by divorcing me.” He has to get his way, and will never admit that a woman would want to divorce him. There’s something wrong with her, not him. He believes his own lies about himself, that he’s a wonderful husband and father. He’s delusional, deceived, and a liar. His father is the devil, and he hates the Light that is the wife (if she’s born again, of course).
Steve Nelson
I will be forwarding this very important post to a woman named Ruth, who remains trapped in a marriage to a prominent church leader. I will paste some of her story below.
From Ruth Wise:
“The abuse I have experienced, some which continues to date, includes:
* Being denied any physical affection- told that if I want a hug, I need to be 115 pounds
told not to go to sleep or my husband would hurt our golden retriever puppy (2007-ish)
* Repeatedly told my husband would commit suicide if I didn’t do what he wanted, included getting rid of my therapy dog that I got after my dad died (though the dog stayed with friends often 5 days/week) (2017-2019)
* Abandoning me on the freeway – my husband got out of the car on the freeway twice; one time I reached out for help from an elder, after the incident and I was told that in speaking with my husband I need to be “surgically clean”; my husband had exited the vehicle after I asked him to not text while I was telling him something very important (2016?, 2018)
* Being commanded to leave my home, perhaps never to live there again (2018 & 2019)
* Being told (in email, with in-laws cc’ed) that I have to give 2 months’ notice to come to my home, so my in-laws can be sure to be present with my husband upon my return (2019)
* Not having access to my home because of locks/codes being changed (which is illegal) (2018-20)
* Being denied equal access to other jointly, equally owned property (2018-2023)
not “allowed” to be included on my husband’s health insurance that is paid by our company – told I had to get my own plan and it can’t be through our business
being accused by my husband of having mental/emotional illnesses, such as a mood disorder and other disorders, that are non-existent (2018-2023)
* Having my female cycle discussed (inaccurately) among church brothers – as a justification for my husband’s rejection of me (2018-2019 – at least)
* Being lied about and falsely accused to many “responsible ones” without anyone confirming validity with me (2018-2023)
* Being accused of lying (I have WRITTEN proof and/or witnesses for ALL of my claims)
witnessing my son being sent away BY POLICE from my home simply because my husband didn’t want him there (and our son had lost “residency” due to being away at college for the past months, so had to obey the officers or be arrested as a “trespasser”); my mother-in-law looked on, and had scream-prayed while we had waited for police to arrive. The police officers had to allow my husband to exercise his right to send away our son, but then advised me to never be alone with my husband again, preferably without police presence, warning me that they believed he may frame me and they’d have to arrest me. (February 28, 2020)
* Being told IN WRITING, many times, that my husband wants to find another woman (who is kinder than me, etc.)
* Being excluded from nearly all practical care of my own husband, including hospital visits and stays (2018-2023), though the first 23 of our 28 years together, I cared for him faithfully
* Being threatened with a restraining order (December 2022) if I disobey 8 (very unfair and unrighteous) rules when I simply returned home, yet accused of hurting my husband if I take legal action to protect myself
* Unsustainable financial abuse, that worsens if/when I’ve filed for divorce… which I have done 3 times, but can’t bear the abuse, both of me and of our now-adult
children who are brought into the painful ordeal.
To learn more about Ruth’s journey and to hopefully send along some encouragement, please visit her blog at: https://www.inconvenientruth.com/post/no-excuse-for-abuse
Her YT channel: https://www.youtube.com/@ruthwise2159
Steve Nelson
Ruth Wise
Yes- I am in a “marriage” to someone who has asked me multiple times if he can find another woman, but refuses to cooperate with my 3 attempts for divorce and my current attempt to legally separate. I sum up the reasons with 3 words: property (including money), prestige (ones image/status and reputation especially in religious circles) and power (wanting to control as much and as many as possible while looking good to their fan base, peers, etc.) it leaves a spouse in limbo for years, just trying to survive in a loveless and abusive legal “partnership.”
Verena
I told the ex, “It’s not my job to assure you the status of “married man”. And i asked him exactly that question. Why on earth would he want to stay “married ” to someone who doesn’t love him and wants out? All he had to say was God hates divorce and I am breaking up the marriage. But there WAS no marriage! Marriage has a meaning, for goodness sake!
Jeff Crippen
That as you know was his stated reason, but not the real one. He could care less what God commands – husbands love your wives.
JKR
Wow such a powerfully perceptive correlation and point! In my current experience, my STBX wife is doing this very thing right now, and she’s been relentless about it too.
Even when we’ve been able to sit down and I’ve carefully and patiently tried to explain “I forgive you for everything, I don’t hate you, we’re always going to be a part of each other’s lives because we have three kids together and one who’s only 5, but the trust that was broken can never be repaired, and God has even closed off my heart and mind to protect me and I no longer feel romantically connected to you anymore, so we need to do what’s best for everyone and move forward into this next chapter of our loves together…” she ALWAYS responds with the same statement.
She always asks, “Why do you get to make this decision for us!?!” as if her constant abuse, lies, stealing and threats didn’t leave me any choice but to make this decision.
Control.
Power.
Money.
DENIAL.
Oh and “having a form of godliness but DENYING it’s power” is at the root of it all.