Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

You Were Lied to – RASNs Lie

Rom 3:13 “Their throat is an open grave; they use their tongues to deceive.” “The venom of asps is under their lips.”

This is one of those “where do we begin” subjects. Lying and deception are woven into the wicked person’s nature. Of course we all are guilty of telling lies at one time or another. But if we truly know Christ, the Holy Spirit in us will certainly bring us to repentance and we will hate our sin. Not so the RASN (reviler, abuser, sociopath, narcissist).

These kind of people lie as habit. They deceive just about every time they speak or act. They are of their father the devil, who is the father of lies. They are deceived themselves and they deceive.

The strange thing is that we are so often deceived by them. Many of you realize now that you were lied to for years and years. It took that long for you to see it. Why? Well, RASNs are really good at lying. They are very, very convincing. One reason for this is that they really have no conscience and that enables them to lie with, as we often say, “a straight face.” I am currently reading (for a second time) Ann Rule’s book “Dead by Sunset.” I highly recommend it as an education in the wiles of the wicked. Repeatedly the victims (one of whom was murdered) would confidently say, “I was just certain Brad was telling the truth. There was absolutely no sign of deception. No way did he kill his ex-wife.” But Brad did murder his poor ex-wife. He is in the Oregon State Prison right now, serving a life sentence.

RASNs malign their victims with lies and falsehoods. They work to turn family and friends against the target. “She is a drug addict. She is mean to the children. She is out to steal all my money.” And on and on and on it goes.

We have experienced this kind of thing many times over the years in our church. RASNs often parade as the finest Christians to be found on the planet. In they come, wearing their disguise – and it works for a time. Sometimes for a long, long time. But eventually there is a parting of the ways –

1Jn 2:19 They went out from us, but they were not of us; for if they had been of us, they would have continued with us. But they went out, that it might become plain that they all are not of us.

And of course then come the lies. And most people believe them. These “most people” never come and ask, never seek the real story – they just believe the RASN. I know that is the experience of so many of you. The lies are accepted without question and you are maligned.

I wonder about that quite often. Why do people so readily believe the accusations of the wicked? Why don’t they check things out? Laziness? No doubt. But more often I think it is because the wicked are soooo deceiving, soooo convincing. I mean, even a serial killer can put on an act, making himself out to be the real victim, eliciting empathy from others.

In the case of a domestic abuser, the lies begin on day one of the marriage – and actually even before. A domestic abuser NEVER loved his/her spouse. Never. That’s a hard pill to swallow but when we start to understand this, we are on the road to freedom. RASNs use. They take. They destroy. And the one thing they do not do is – love. The whole thing is a sham, a facade front like those fake wooden “buildings” in western movies. Behind it is just – nothing. That is what a marriage to an abuser is.

Rom 16:18 For such persons do not serve our Lord Christ, but their own appetites, and by smooth talk and flattery they deceive the hearts of the naive.

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3 Comments

  1. Wendy

    There is a post going around about David and Bathsheba online. This seems to be a common talking point on FB pages discussing abuse. It has me thinking and trying to process David’s life and what was done during the period when he took Bathsheba, killed her husband, and was eventually confronted by Nathan. A comment was made saying that David was Bathsheba’s Harvey Weinstein. I don’t necessarily disagree as far as some of David’s behaviors and we do see in parts of David’s life that David portrayed characteristics of being at least one or more of the parts of a RASN (abuser).

    For me it seems there is a difference due to David’s repentance and therefore not the best comparison overall, but how does one process this? We know David repented during this time in his life but also went on to be negligent or sinful in other ways towards other women in his life (Tamar), marrying multiple women, etc…

    I know my abuser showed signs of repentance but in time always showed it was not true repentance and eventually, he could be described by the verse in 1 John 2:19. Last knowledge I have of his life, his end now appears to be even worse than his original sinful life before his supposed confession of faith. He allowed himself to be turned over to even more grotesque sins.

    I’m just hoping to get more clarity. God obviously showed much grace to David and David did repent. I am thankful that He shows all of us that same grace, but when talking to women who have been abused by men who have done some pretty awful things how do we process that? So many “church” men will use fake repentance as a way to continue to abuse while never having any intent on truly repenting, then there are some like Harvey Weinstein who as far as I know has never shown repentance and then there is David, who in all manner acted in equally evil ways yet the Bible says he did repent.

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    • Jeff Crippen

      David’s sin was great for certain. Is the Lord showing us that where there is genuine, real repentance there is forgiveness even for the greatest sin?? And that if even a Christian gets careless, Satan can ensnare us for a time? For me, RASNs are clearer to understand. They do not repent. There is a fundamental difference between David and the abuser and I think it is a mistake that leads to confusion if, in confronting their abuser a victim tries to equate David and the abuser. Some people do something similar with the Apostle Paul and who he used to be before he was born again. But Paul was never a RASN. He genuinely thought he was serving God by persecuting Christians. Unlike RASNs he was never a hypocrite. At the heart of these kinds of comparisons, such as comparing abusers to David, is the “hope” that one’s abuser will one day repent. That is a false hope. All sinners are not alike. David, though his sin was huge, was never like the sociopath/narcissist we are dealing with when we talk about domestic abusers – especially the kind who claim to be Christians. RASNs are never wrong. They have no empathy. They are grossly entitled. They only use others. Those dark qualities don’t describe David.

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  2. Jade

    You describe this so well, Pastor Jeff. It was actually easier for me to wrap my head around the fact that my ex husband never truly loved me than it was for me to grasp how much he lied to me. That blows my mind. And he would lie about stupid, pointless stuff! Things he could have easily told the truth about! It is their default mode because they are of their father the devil, and I cannot relate at all.

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