Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

You are of use to the RASN as long as you flatter him

Psa 36:2 For he flatters himself in his own eyes that his iniquity cannot be found out and hated.

The wicked (RASNs for our purposes here)…refuse to entertain anything that does not flatter them. As the Psalmist notes, the wicked flatter themselves so as to refuse to see any iniquity in them. The sin, the guilt, the blame is always projected onto someone else. RASNs (revilers, abusers, sociopaths, narcissists) have an astonishing lack of ability to self-examine.

As a result, other people have only one use for the RASN – to be used. And specifically, to be used for flattering and image-building of the RASN. In order to maintain a relationship (and it is a very toxic one) with such a person, you must continue to flatter them, to never point out any flaw in them. Stop doing this and you will no longer be of any use to the RASN.

Recently I was reading a sermon on Ephesians 4:1-5 preached long ago by John Calvin. Listen to what he said:

One of the evil extremes which are customary in this world is that a man will never be accepted by the world unless he flatters. Whoever means to be accepted must be one-eyed, and must shut his eyes when he sees a number of things in his friends worthy of blame.

Sermons on Ephesians, John Calvin, Banner of Truth

It’s true, is it not? If you want to advance in this world – in the workplace or in the church as examples – you must never speak ill of anyone whose favor you would have. You must flatter. That is how the world operates in its sin. Calvin goes on:

And yet in the meanwhile, is not such silence a breach of our faith? For we see that they whom we pretend to love are on the highway to destruction, and entirely hardened in their sin, and yet nevertheless, whereas we ought to waken them, or else to set a mirror before them so that they might see their shame and be ashamed of it, we turn a blind eye to it all. Instead of doing rightly, each one of us flatters the other and cloaks the things which ought to be sharply rebuked, insomuch that those flatteries are no better than plasters to ease the sore, and in the meanwhile to feed the rottenness within.


This is in large part the explanation of why RASNs are typically not confronted in the local church. To do so would mean to suffer consequences of an enraged narcissist, to lose his support. Much better it seems to flatter him, to ignore his obvious evil, to throw his victim under the bus, and then we can “all just get along.”

The world’s way is flattery of the wicked. But that is not the Lord Jesus’ way. And it is not the loving way to deal with a person who is headed for hell.


Evildoers Demand Vague Language – The Lord Tells it Like it is


Abusive Tactics: The Kiss of Judas


  1. Very true

    Thank you Pastor Crippen for posting this. It is absolutely true – and today we see it in all circles, Christians and not – one common tactic is under a pleasing label called positivity. Meaning if you did not leave the recipient as anything other than a positive endorsement, in this case of the abuser – you are the one who is supposedly un-Christ like.

    The social and verbal lashings of the RASN, the one that you do not flatter and publicly adore, can be horrifying. There are times when the best response to the RASN’s covert requirement of flattery and public adoration is – no response. In the moments of deciding how to respond picture Jesus walking the streets and encountering this……. he held his ground and stood strong in his Father – and sometimes, often times, his response to the RASN’s craving for flattery and adoration was no response. Sometimes his message was loud and clear and never a word spoken.

    • Jeff Crippen

      Mat 15:14 Let them alone; they are blind guides. And if the blind lead the blind, both will fall into a pit.”


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