Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

The First Time You Realized Your RASN Never Loved You

Gen 4:8 Cain spoke to Abel his brother. And when they were in the field, Cain rose up against his brother Abel and killed him.

Do you suppose that Abel thought Cain loved him? I mean, they were brothers. Abel was a righteous man, Cain was not (that is the reason he killed Abel). But I wonder – could it have been that Abel did not really understand the hatred his brother had for him?

Mothers love their children. Fathers love their children. Husbands love their wives. Close friends love one another. Unless, of course, one is a narcissist or a sociopath. In those cases, the “love” is just a sham. A deception utilized as a tool to use the target.

Did you think that your domestic abuser spouse loved you when you were first married? I suppose you did – I mean, generally why else would anyone marry someone, right? And did you once think that your narcissist parent loved you? Or that “good” friend who turned out to be one of our RASN categories?

My point is this – at some time it dawned on you that the love was a mask. It took you, most likely, a long, long time for you to see through that mask and even though it slipped numbers of times, you still clung to the notion that this person loved you.

But then there comes that time – and it is a really hard pill to swallow. A realization that is very, very difficult to wrap your mind around. In fact, it turns out, this spouse/parent/friend did not love you at all. They actually, you began to realize, regarded you with contempt. In their eyes you were stupid, beneath them, just an errand boy/girl to be used.

You saw glimpses of this – subtle smirks, cutting words, not-so-funny insults, but you just didn’t realize the true state of affairs. When you did, when the lights went on, when you finally understood that this person was in fact incapable of love, how did you feel? All those years – apparently they meant nothing and could be as easily discarded by the RASN as a if they never happened at all.

This kind of reality is very painful – and that pain doesn’t dissipate quickly. One day it will be gone though. The pains of this life will be swept away forever when the Lord Jesus Christ returns and takes us home. Crying, pain, tears, hurtful memories, trauma – all gone.


Know the House by its Fruits


RASNs in Church and the Damage they do to Children


  1. KB

    I have been divorced 7 months now after being married to a covert narcissist for 33 years. While I was glad to get out of the emotionally abusive marriage I wasn’t prepared for the intense emotional pain I just recently experienced when he announced he found someone else already. Just like that…..no emotion on his part, no guilt or remorse for the pain he caused me. He just needed more supply, another object to use for his own selfishness. God knows these men deceive themselves and live in a delusional world of their own making. We women give all of ourselves and they give nothing back but pain. The pain has been unimaginable and I’ m looking forward to the Lord’s return. I have asked God to take away my desire for him and the trauma bond that had occurred because I can’t take it anymore. Please pray for all of us women who experience this extreme and unbearable pain. Thank you Pastor Jeff for your stand on this issue.

    • Jeff Crippen

      Dear KB – I am sure that I have not experienced the full degree of pain that you have, but repeatedly very similar events have occurred in my life. Not in my home or marriage at all, but with parents, siblings, and worst – counterfeit christians in the church. I know exactly what you mean. They drop you and move on with no emotion (except maybe rage), no guilt, no remorse for the pain they caused. In fact all they do is project their sin upon the ones they victimize. You will gradually recover. You won’t forget and to some degree that pain will remain, but you will be able to go on. The Lord heals His people.

      • KB

        Thank you for your encouraging words. It’s been so hard to see God in all this but I am trying hard to have faith and see purpose in the pain.

    • June Armstrong

      Oooh boy, I could have written this word for word. My story almost exactly to a T. I’ve begged God to take away my feelings for the abuser, to heal my heart and mind, to help me stop ruminating about the abuser. But most of all, I’ve begged God to help me trust Him again and regain my faith. I think that’s the most heartbreaking part of all this.

      • KB

        Thank you for sharing this June. The emotional pain is nothing I’ve ever experienced in my life. Let’s all pray for each other and remember that God knows our hearts.

    • Cordilla

      KB, abusers don’t love anyone, but themselves. Every women he has had in his life (that you were unaware of, because I believe there were others, before the one he announced) he doesn’t love either. Abusers don’t change. The new woman/women he is/has love bombed have all been duped.
      The pain comes from all the time and love we poured into these jerks’ with a rate of negative return; time wasted, energy, health, reputation destroyed, because of these animals. He and the new victim may well *appear* happy, but she too will have her day of realizing she is living with the enemy.
      You are amazing and wonderful and worthy of true love. God’s grace and power fill you to overflowing to go forward in hope and joy.

  2. Solveig Warren

    I have had time to reflect on your writings and am so happy my belief in God, my genuine faith showed me a way to get out of my marriage after 26 years. I plainly walked out of the rectory and never once looked back. I relied on my Saviour to guide me and so he did! My situation was deplorable as was told by my then husband “nobody will believe you”. Who was I? I was an unpaid ‘labourer’ for/ wife of a clergyman who took all credit for my efforts. In his mind ‘what was his was his and what was mine was his too’. I was in a foreign land, where other languages were spoken, I had no rights as wasn’t a citizen. After I walked out I was homeless however registered on college courses then an undergraduate course and the cherry on the cake was achieving my Master’s five years later. I funded my studies while working including eight years as a mental health researcher for a University. Nothing was planned it just happened / evolved as I put my trust into the hands of the Saviour. I was patiently guided on a journey of discovery, a discovery of how RASNs operate and understanding what sad creatures they are. They are incapable of accepting unconditional love instead their souls rage with jealousy, envy, hatred, greed. When they don’t get what they think they deserve they go on a rampage of destruction, obliteration and worst on a killing mission. As soon as you smell trouble make a plan to exit then walk away don’t look back. God is LOVE and he desires us to be loving and loved.

  3. Knew soon after…..

    In my innermost parts I knew very soon after we got married – the first week was a spiral down…. The confusion by the notable and growing void in their presence, then their yo-yo merry go round of anger and then not, up and down at a whim – then not, their manipulations, the slippery lies, the gaslighting, the freakish coldness that their eyes would get, their desire to hunt for new prey – at all times, their pretend appearance of love and devotion all the while their escalating yet hidden cruelty when no one was around, their horrendous violence and knowing exactly how to hit and hurt – but hide it so no one knew what they were doing….. I knew he was a monster and had a hard time grasping how much so…initially I did not know the degree of what was going on, I just knew it was very, very bad….. and somewhere between the horror of realizing I was married to satan in the flesh…. and the knowing of our Lord’s complete love – I knew very early…..

    Praise the Lord for these messages you post/posted…… you spoke such wisdom in such a very trying time when I finally got away for the last time – for good. It is and was such a gift to know you got it – truly got it – all of it…..

    • Cordilla

      Knew soon after,

      WOW! your description is chillingly SPOT ON, for me too. Thank you.

  4. SJH

    Yes, I had to mourn my “mismarriage.”

  5. Kate

    It was a process to learn the reality that my spouse never loved me…..or anyone.

    It took years to learn the extent of the massive lie told to everyone…. that all humans are capable of loving others. The reality? It’s extremely rare compared to the number of humans alive today. Most are not capable of loving others.

    It’s how the holocaust happened and why the next (current) one will be even worse. The bible tells us this truth.

    When I was first waking up from this lie (that all people are able to love others) I was destroyed, broken, angry, sad, and thinking I could never make it. My entire family were RASNs, which means I have NEVER been loved since birth. The chances are, I will never be loved by another human. This thought initially saddened me deeply until I realized this may be the truth for the majority of us with a heart to love. Can I live the rest of my life with only God’s love to sustain me? Yes! God is truth, light, sweet, and loves me truly. I don’t have to hide any part of myself from Him…he already knows me completely. I share everything with Him constantly. Gone are the days of trying to make myself worthy of Him. It’s impossible and holds me back from knowing Him and growing in Him.

    Over a decade later and years of dealing with these losers knowing what they are, God has continuously shown me that he loves me and that HE is in control. He hates these people and laughs at their evil endeavors. They really believe that they will never face justice…they don’t see themselves as guilty. After all, how can god be guilty? Insane thinking and obvious when you allow yourself to see them as they are without the excuses we are encouraged to believe about them.

    If you allow God to help you, teach you through his word, and love you, in time you will heal. Prayer is real and works. Praying against these evil ones (Psalm 109) also works. We have been groomed by churches to pray FOR these losers but Jesus tells us to pray for protection against them. The depraved mind (Romans 1:28) is the same mind as the devil, from which we need God’s protection.

    God uses many ways to destroy them while protecting His children. Ask him to help you with this. When you pray against them, you are acknowledging that you believe God’s word and that he has told us about these people. It’s not mean or evil it is simply truth through God’s word.

    You will come out of this. You will be loved every single moment of this journey by God…the creator of everything. You will be blessed and you will laugh and smile and be genuinely happy again. Just hold on.

  6. Cordilla

    My realization, stark and super painful as it was, came from replies to my 10-page email–only some highlights of the abuse I endured for nearly 30 years–telling me I was abused “in spades” and that I was “hated” by the *predator-imposter husband [* = my words]. Once I was able to process this truth, I went into full “I’m getting away from him” mode.
    It took years, because my health was so bad, my new doctor was SHOCKED I was even alive. I had to heal physically first in order to endure the future onslaught he would wage against me during a divorce and yes, he tried to kill me in order to take all the assets; I had to go to the hospital and it close to year to heal.
    Today, I continue to battle poor health situations, because of the abuse and attempt on my life, but God has provided for me in spite of it all. I took the time I needed to heal, to learn new skills; God used it to provide a job “tailor made” by Him, for me, and He provides me a place to live too.
    People that meet me and learn my story, find it hard to believe that I was abused, because I’m smile, laugh and I’m pleasant. I decided, after my deliverance[divorce] that I would not allow the monster to steal another moment from me.
    Most importantly, God is healing the relationships with my children that the imposter husband/imposter father tried to destroy; the children and I are forging new, stronger than ever bonds.
    “Every good and perfect gift is from above.” Amen.


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