Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

Abusers see their Spouse and children as Property Owned

“You need to fight for her. She is yours”
Those words might sound at first like a noble statement of a wonderful husband.
They aren’t.

They were spoken by an evil man who views himself as the owner of his wife and children. The owner of property. So when another man told him that he was having problems with his wife spending too much time with a fellow at work, this guy’s response was the above statment. Fight for her. She is YOURS. Just like she was a car or real estate.
Wicked people like this are literally entitled in their thinking. En -TITLED. They just know that they hold title to their wife. She is owned. Not surprisingly, this same guy liked to boast, “I told my wife she must obey me, and now we get along just fine.”
And, of course, this guy claims to be a Christian and loves to put on the saintly disguise, fooling many. Don’t fall for these lines. There is nothing righteous about them. They are marks of an evil person.


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  1. This is such a great example of how abusers try to deceive by saying things (or more rarely, doing things) that may appear to be “good” at first glance. It *might* demonstrate his commitment and steadfast devotion to his wife/kids to a casual observer. But his motive is entirely self serving and entitled, just like you’ve said.
    Observers can be fooled by “noble” sounding talk like that, but the target usually isn’t. She has learned to decode those words that are meant to publicly impress and she understands the implicit threat in them.
    I will never forget the day of my last court hearing in (…) regarding parenting time/parental rights of my kids, etc. when x stated dramatically and with feigned passion, “I’m gonna fight for my kids!” (the kids who remain terrified and disgusted by him and have requested never to see him again because of his extreme abuse of them)
    It was hard for me not to stand up and object out loud. After more than two decades with him, I knew what he really meant. It wasn’t noble, it was meant to bolster his image and at the same time intimidate me.
    Like you’ve so insightfully said, they feel entitled to their property. People will never amount to more than property when it comes to evil.
    Thank you for continually revealing the real wickedness of abusers. It is so validating to be reminded that their behaviors are so similar because they serve the same evil.

  2. Jad

    Oh, this post resonated with me! The ex-narc once referred to me a chattel. I never forgot how degraded I felt and when I corrected him, he went on to say that I was being a ‘disobedient wife.’
    I belong only to God and myself. Thank you, Lord, for 8 years of freedom and healing from the destruction the narc left behind.

  3. Leslie

    This is absolutely true.
    They are like slave owners.
    No wonder we call it freedom when we finally get away from our abuser!

  4. Anna

    This is birthed out a patriarchal broken theology. I find it comes down to a difference in theology rather than a difference of opinion. I can never see eye-eye with a Christian person or organization that believes theologically/biblically they have been given the right an authority to rule over another human being. I have found it is best to walk away from this kind of foolishness and admit the futility of trying to change their minds. Sadly, I have realized it has been both genders who support the theology of men being biblically entitled to this form of hierarchy. When I have challenged this thinking I have been called a feminist. Okay, then feminist I am.

    • Lesia

      Lots of men don’t understand who Jesus is! They need to read more about how Jesus treats the church! We have freedom to follow him or leave him! Does he chase us? Yes with love and patience but always leads with love! Men you will never be perfect like Jesus that’s why you have to give us to God. You will never be first in any women’s life! And you should never be 1st in any women’s life! God is always first!!

    • Allis38

      My ex used to call me a feminist often between his teeth. He would snarl out that word. I backfired on him when the kids looked up the word and drew their own conclusions from the definition. They tried to educate their dad but he would not hear any of it.

  5. Innoscent

    In the eyes of the abuser the marriage covenant contract is an exclusive title whereby he becomes the proprietor of his wife, whatever she owns, her life, their children, everything. To him, there is no joint ownership and responsibility. There is no love. His plan is all about taking, kidnapping, and sucking out every bit of life, goodness, talent, etc. everything of his prey. Abusers are similar to parasitic plants and insects they live off.
    My ex-H once litterally compared me to a car in a letter to a friend who was shocked by that. So was I, but at that time I was under his spell and in thick fog, and explained it away as some type of male figurative talk.
    Sadly the church interprets the husband’s entitlement to his wife as ‘a noble statement’ as you said Jeff, when in reality he’s bent on pillaging and looting her life in the long run. Covert satanic rioting, that’s what it is.

  6. walkinginlight

    The wicked abuser also sees his wife (servant) as a extension of himself. So he feels he KNOWS what is best for her and completely ignores her requests. He does not honor her as a separate person with her own thoughts, wishes, goals, etc. He treats her like a robot and if she shows any real human feelings, she is punished in covert ways or given the silent treatment for weeks at a stretch. In his eyes she is not a real human with feelings but just like a hassock for him to put his feet up on ignoring her humanness. I praise God that He pulled me out of the fog and taught me all the tricks of the trade the abuser uses. That way I was able to completely sever any emotional feelings. I was able to take a breath again and be free of all the mind games he would use to torment the emotions God gave me. I would hate to be in his shoes when he answers to the Lord how he severed our marriage covenant and told me he lied when he said the marriage vows. That means he also outright lied to God!! Woe to him.

    • Innoscent

      walkinginlight, you’ve given a perfect description of the abuser’s objectification of his victim. Although he muffles the reality, he knows that deep inside he’s powerless and lost. And so his pseudocontrol gives him some sense of power over his close environment. It’s total delusion.
      To come to the point of treating another human being in such a despicable way, abusers are under the control of Satan.
      I think that was the thing I found the most cruel when I lived with my ex-husband. He dealt with me in a way that I was gradually stripped of all my humanity, my womanhood, my voice, dignity, and rights. It’s mental torture at its worst.
      I join you in praising God! He rescued me from hell and death, miraculously healed me and gave me a new life. And His companionship above all. Alleluia to Almighty God!


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