Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

**Abuse as Cruelty – Willful and Intentional Infliction of Pain and Suffering

Exo 1:13-14 So they ruthlessly made the people of Israel work as slaves and made their lives bitter with hard service, in mortar and brick, and in all kinds of work in the field. In all their work they ruthlessly made them work as slaves.
Exo 5:6-9 The same day Pharaoh commanded the taskmasters of the people and their foremen, “You shall no longer give the people straw to make bricks, as in the past; let them go and gather straw for themselves. But the number of bricks that they made in the past you shall impose on them, you shall by no means reduce it, for they are idle. Therefore they cry, ‘Let us go and offer sacrifice to our God.’ Let heavier work be laid on the men that they may labor at it and pay no regard to lying words.”

Abusers are cruel, just as Pharaoh was cruel to the Israelites. Cruelty is a topic that deserves some serious thought because it helps us see even more clearly just how wicked the abuser is. Cruelty hurts another person (or a pet, like a puppy), but is of a particularly evil genre of hurting. Cruelty suits the mentality and character of an abuser because cruelty is exercised by someone who has power over another. Like Pharaoh’s power over the enslaved Israelites, or a wicked man’s boot kicking a little dog. Cruelty is the infliction of pain and suffering by a person with power, willfully and intentionally, without regard for the suffering of the victim. Cruelty (Cruella Deville and the Dalmatian puppies). And, as Cruella’s wicked smile demonstrates, cruelty enjoys it all.

What kind of a person enjoys cruelty? Enjoys causing a person with less power to suffer? I can tell you. A thoroughly evil person.

All of us have been guilty at one time or another of being cruel to another person. Cruelty lies within our fallen, sinful flesh looking for a chance to break out. As Christians, it is our calling and duty to do battle against that flesh by the Spirit of Christ within us. We put cruelty to death by saying to it — “No! Go back where you came from! You will not have reign over me!” When we fail in this, we are grieved and we repent. We are cut to the core in conviction when we see the tears of the person we have treated with cruelty and Christ’s compassion for them breaks out in us. We hate our sin and immediately set out to make it right with the one we have so shamefully treated. We have each one been cruel, but we are not cruel people by nature. The abuser is.
Cruelty feeds off the suffering it inflicts. Cruelty delights in the pain it causes. The abuser exults in seeing his victim suffer physical and especially emotional pain because it gives him a power rush of tyrannical domination over another. And all of this is vital for abuse victims, counselors, and pastors to understand. Why does he do that? as Lundy Bancroft puts it? Because he is evil, because he loves it, because it is who he is doing what he does. Yes, Virginia (we might say), there IS a devil!
I have been the target of numbers of such abusers over the years as they sought to work their havoc and hurt in the churches I have pastored. On and on they go — in some cases for years — creating trouble and division, launching assorted attacks, making their accusations, willfully causing pain and suffering.  Why? Was it because they just weren’t as sanctified as they should have been? No. Was it because I kept messing up and doing wrong to others? No. The reality was that they were just plain cruel. Cruel people who enjoyed inflicting pain and suffering in order to obtain what they just KNEW they were entitled to by nature of who they were: power and control, along with the self-glorying they so craved.
Why does an abuser prolong the child custody battle for years when his record of behavior toward the children demonstrates he cares little or nothing for them? Because he is cruel and he feeds off the pain and suffering of his victim like a drug. Why is it that he comes into the house, just looking for something to pick at, knowing full well that his victim has busted her tail that day taking care of the kids, homeschooling them, cleaning up the house, doing his laundry…. Why? Because he is cruel, and cruel people love to cause misery and pain.
This week I saw a church sign. For the most part I have grown to despise church signs. Once in a while you will see a good one but for the most part they are statements that enable abusers. Here’s the one I saw:

God does not force himself upon anyone, He wins their heart by love.

Here is another one:

Jesus died on the cross for you so that He wouldn’t have to live for eternity without you.

These absolutely unbiblical notions are at best marvelously naive and at worst they are designed to guilt us all into seeing even the most cruel, evil person as Luke Skywalker saw Darth Vader: “Oh, Dark Lord, I just KNEW there was some good in you and that if I let you cut off my arm or even kill me, one day the good would win.” Here is the truth: Evil exists. Cruel, evil people, exist. And abusers are cruel, evil people of a particularly bad kind. No one, not even God, is going to “win their hearts by love.” If you are a Christian, God did not simply love you into loving Him. He powerfully and effectually worked the truth of the gospel of Jesus Christ in you, regenerating your heart of stone and giving you a heart of flesh. He took an enemy who hated Him and transformed you by faith and repentance into His child.
These kinds of foolish platitudes (Jesus, the eternal Son of God, destined to misery if the sinner doesn’t repent and come live with Him) are examples of the kind of ignorance (often willful) that abounds in the church regarding the abuser. Abusers are cruel and they are evil and they love it so. Your abuser, abuse victim, is not going to change. He has no heart to reach. He enjoys doing to you what he does because that is who he is.
And understanding that is one of the first steps to getting free.


Update on Our Need Fund Project – Success!


A New Book on Evil is Coming Soon


  1. Rae Radika

    Freedom is found in walking away from your abuser(s)
    That may certainly mean walking by yourself
    Trusting God for His Provision Protection and His will to be down.
    Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked.
    I serve a FAITHFUL God! ♥️✅
    Rae Radika

  2. Cara

    I have seen Himmler’s words put into play. It goes along the lines of psychopaths at work and how they cause chaos and publicly terrorize and derogate their given target at any point in time and people, out of fear, become slaves of the person, allying with silence and fear. It also draws out great respect and awe of fellow psychopaths who admire the evil Himmler fan and his instrumental use of cruelty to cow the masses and elevate himself as well as do a power grab.
    I have also been guilted by such church sign platitudes and many a church sermons are on those very concepts, which are so dangerous and wrong. Thankfully a pastor is pointing it out as erroneous, because I have said the same and have been badly criticized and shamed. A person then goes back into doubt and wavers yet again and is victimized even more. A similar thing that I have heard from church-like institutions, like Christian radio and Christian books, is that if you look for the good in people, you’ll surely find it. And so the message guilts the victim into thinking they are the problem, that they aren’t trying to find good, but rather are negative nancys, nags, and too critical. But, if one applies the naïve, dangerous, –stupid, dare I say stupid– concepts like the church signs and ‘look for the good’, then you have it blending into this new agey belief system that everyone has some good in them, such as Hitler apparently liked dogs. As if that cancels out everything else about Hitler!
    Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader. Same thing goes on with abusers and their badly advised wives. If you just ‘love him to Jesus’! No. Evildoers are evil because they love it. And Fred Rogers has a quote in the documentary that says something like everything has to do with love, or the lack of it. But I find that, too, to be irresponsible and dangerous because it also makes people doubt their boundaries and suckers them into trying again to ‘love him to Jesus’ and inspire an evil person to be good. Doesn’t work.
    Wish I hadn’t been so misguided and found so many Christian books, websites, radio programming, and sermons, spreading these bad, false teachings. They entrap victims. They are so deadly and dangerous for victims. People should be encouraged by their churches to be militant in safeguarding themselves, defending themselves, and prepared to basically deal with evil for the bulk of their lives, given how many evil people there are in this world.

    • Innoscent

      Cara, your post totally resonates with me. I found the time when I saw the light and was slowly getting out of the fog the most challenging one, when I was the most vulnerable having to battle against a mountain of lies, betrayal and grief within my ‘own camp’ (family, friends and church). So sad to say that the church has become more of synagogue of Satan which Paul described in 2 Tim 3:1-5 and very few understand the perilous times we are in and haven’t got a clue about the tactics of the evil forces.
      My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge: because thou hast rejected knowledge, I will also reject thee, that thou shalt be no priest to me: seeing thou hast forgotten the law of thy God, I will also forget thy children. Hosea 4:6
      So true about their highly dangerous notion of ‘love’. They have so twisted and dilapidated the true meaning of Love and actually –like marriage– turned it into an idol of their devising. Last year at a conference, I listened to a preacher on God’s love, so wicked and deceitful was that piece, I was boiling! And afterwards when twice I approached him in order to confront him with the truth of the Bible, he found ways to avoid the discussion.
      Basically his message was about if/how God had love for Satan because God IS Love. The topic was presented in such a cunning and devious way that nobody in the audience seemed to cringe. He made it to sound like the love of God was far reaching and unfathomable, bla bla bla…. And he concluded that God still loved Satan…aargghh!

      • Cara

        Thanks for your comment. I, too, have become boiling mad about sermons and now participate in Pastor Crippen’s online congregation because I find it more often than not it’s a variation of God is love on steroids, or grace on steroids, or sin-leveling, or let’s love ’em to Jesus, everyone welcome, all accepted, look how grace-filled we are!’.
        It’s like law, justice, safeguarding, protection, being wise as serpents, dutifully judgmental (how many times i’ve been admonished ‘judge not! we must not judge!’) have fallen off.
        Same goes for Christian radio programming and don’t get me started on Christian music, especially the popular, contemporary stuff with messages like God/Jesus chasing us down with His love, His unconditional love, and ‘happy-feely-positives’ only!
        Same people then counsel (in call-in radio programming or otherwise ‘Christian counseling’) with dangerous advice like telling battered women to be more nicey-nice, pray more, try harder, say things in a better tone, blah, blah, blah.
        Nobody seems to want to speak truth anymore. And correct me if I’m wrong but I believe one truth that should be said most frequently is that most people are going to hell and they put themselves there and don’t you pity them, as they are evil and hate God. Bullying in school, workplaces, or sham marriages is due to the evil of the bully. Abusers are children of the devil. Thank God they’ll die and go down into the pit, not to plague victims in heaven. Every Christian should be extremely well-versed in crime, predation, abuse, schemes of criminals, abusers, pimps/traffickers, perverts, and all sorts of things. It may be revolting to learn such things and it’s stressful and painful but what’s the alternative? Being ignorant and thus more at risk of becoming prey.
        I hate the happy-hippie-positive-feely-feels that so many sermons and overall churches seem to be enamored with and I especially hate how that contributes to those who speak truth (hard truths) being shamed and labeled as ‘negative’ ‘difficult’ ‘problematic’ ‘troublemakers’ and so forth.
        Most people are evil and are children of the devil. How many times have you heard that preached on Sunday? Versus the feel-good “God is love” distortion of we should all just hold hands and peace on earth, lollipops and rainbows. It’s gaslighting. It’s disorienting from the lived experiences of victims. But I guess very few want to talk about evil as it is a downer and uncomfortable for those whose lives are happy-go-lucky. Perhaps it is because they are traumatized and at their limits, instead of having happy-go-lucky and need happy hippie messages. I don’t know.
        In the end, we have our Bibles and we have each other and this blog and Christ Reformation Church and sermonaudio.

      • frankiesmith2064

        I begged God for clarity to please help me to know how to deal with the evil abusers and bullies in my life.
        It was destroying me and opening me up to more abuse by following the popular teaching— we gotta love um to Jesus.
        I found pastor Crippen , this blog and the church I’m so glad I did. Answered prayer.
        I could not go in life trying to practice the ill advised teachings that say submit to the wicked and try to love and understand the abusers.
        Thank you

    • Mhiggins

      Before I got married to my abuser I used to love listening to Christian radio. It kept me energized and joyful. Then when I was married to my abuser I couldn’t figure out why all of a sudden I resent it so much. It would frustrate me to no end. I even called in to express my frustration and ask why they never talk about the issue of abuse. I didn’t get much help.
      This blog helped me to understand a lot better about the frustration that I was feeling and have continued to feel. I actually don’t listen to Christian radio anymore because I just can’t go there emotionally.

      • Jeff Crippen

        Mhiggins- exact the same with me and “Christian “ radio. Years ago I listened all the time. I don’t remember when exactly I dumped it but I cannot tolerate it at all now. Superficial junk.

        • frankiesmith2064

          I don’t listen to christian radio either. Can’t stand it! I can’t tolerate most praise bands in phony churches led by shallow leaders. The insipid lyrics and the phony’s in music leadership in churches ruined it for me. God help us please and heal us all from the trauma we’ve experienced at the hands of evil posing as good.

      • Cara

        Contrast the lyrics of ‘Christian’ radio songs to the first and third verses of “I Walk in Danger All the Way”
        Verse 1: “I walk in danger all the way;
        The thought shall never leave me
        That Satan, who has marked his prey,
        Is plotting to deceive me.
        This foe with hidden snares
        May seize me unawares
        If e’er I fail to watch and pray;
        I walk in danger all the way.”
        Verse 3: “And death pursues me all the way,
        Nowhere I rest securely;
        He comes by night, he come by day,
        He takes his prey most surely.
        A failing breath, and I
        In death’s strong grasp may lie
        To face eternity today
        As death pursues me all the way.”
        I like the hymn, especially the title, and it thankfully bears much more truth than most “Christian” radio’s songs, at least the contemporary stuff, and yet if one follows all 6 verses it’s still uplifting.
        I’m glad I wasn’t the only one who became resentful and started hating the “Christian” radio stations. It’s almost anesthetic-like where the listener is lulled into this ‘peace, love, happy-hippie’ artifice that is dangerous. Plus it reinforces this ‘be positive!’ ‘Christians are to be positive and joyful!’ norm that almost seems a little cult-ish.
        Christian radio also features programming like Focus on the Family and we all know how bad that is for victims of abuse. The advice that was given to abused and battered wives!
        I feel guilty sometimes that I don’t listen to “Christian” radio anymore, but I don’t want to be lulled into that horrible ‘just love them to Jesus’ ‘all is good in the world, we just have to be positive’ trance/delusion.

        • Cara

          Oops, forgot the third verse. Oh well.

          • HI Cara,
            I added Verse 3 to your comment.
            Thanks for share!
            (the woman behind the curtain)

          • Cara

            You did add in that. Thanks, TWBTC! That was very nice of you.
            We need to be sober-minded. Our lives can end at any point. Satan (and his children) stalk us as prey. And yet, even with all that, we walk with Jesus all the way. But, the kicker is speaking truth, telling the horrible reality of this world, understanding that Satan is very active and we must be wise and sober-minded. And look how it concludes (uplifting and comforting but like not the syrupy stuff featured in most contemporary Christian songs):
            Verse 6: My walk is hea’nward all the way;
            Await, my soul, the morrow,
            When thou shalt find release for aye
            From all thy sin and sorrow.
            All worldly pomp, begone!
            To heav’n I now press on.
            For all the world I would not stay;
            My walk is heav’ward all the way.
            Uplifting, but no syrup that almost borders on gaslighting, which is almost what happens with the “Christian” radio programming.
            Anyone else have favorite music or favorite hymns?

        • Z

          I’ve gone to Christian Churches all my life because my abuser parents and all the abuse enabling relatives professed to be “born again Christians”. They all still go. I had to drop out after learning that the various churches they and I have gone to over the years perpetuate an environment of false teaching which welcomes abusers and tried to shut me up when I tried to talk with church leaders about my abusers and their enablers sitting in their pews each Sunday and Wednesday-Bible tucked under arms. They can’t say they didn’t know. They still welcome these abusers with open arms and act like I never told them about their ACT-they were monsters behind closed doors. I guess, to the church “leaders”, as long as it stayed behind closed doors, that was and is OK.
          My real disbelief is that in all the decades of going to Christian Bible-based churches, I NEVER ONCE heard a sermon on hell, Jesus’ words that “the way (to heaven) is NARROW AND STRAIT and FEW find it. And that the road to destruction (hell) is WIDE AND BROAD and MANY WILL BE ON IT.”
          The message implied was that as long as you’re coming to our church, you’re on the NARROW road to heaven-even though JESUS SAID “FEW find it”! Obviously, I know from experience that MANY of the people in those churches were either abusers or abuse enablers, liars for the abusers (“NO LIAR will ever enter the Kingdom of heaven”), and now that I’ve more openly exposed these abusers and their allies, the smear campaign participants against the victim to assist the abusers. Unrepentant, habitual for decades, willing sinners and children of their father the devil. Sitting in the prominent front rows each week for decades. Just like the Pharisees. It sickens me.
          Is it all about the money for these pastors and church leaders? Keeping the butts in seats each week without rocking the boat and jeopardizing the weekly income? At the expense of the very lives of known victims. At the expense of their OWN salvation! They are going to be held responsible for the “blood on their hands” as church leaders. I just don’t get it. Don’t they read their Bibles?

  3. Wade

    That there be no immoral or godless person like Esau, who sold his own birthright for a single meal. For you know that even afterwards, when he desired to inherit the blessing,he was rejected, for he found no place for repentance, though he sought for it with tears. Hebrews 12:16,17
    It can be difficult, confusing, when an evil one who abuses his spouse/children uses outward signs of repentance ie. tears….What ends up happening is the church focuses on this outward sign and miss the other signs that indicate evil intent rather than true repentance. I call it “the slight of hand” tactic. I don’t know how many times I have heard “he is repentant” meanwhile the evil person continues his evil ways…it’s as if the “tears” act as a veil to obscure their real intent.

    • Cara

      I’m curious about the selling of birthright for a single meal. Will the pastor expound on this? Or perhaps Wade? I’ve starved before and after starving for extended periods of time, a person gets pretty desperate. And why is it acceptable that someone had him trade in his birthright for a meal in the first place? Is it more about fulfilling God’s Will for those two?
      But it is a good quote of Scripture because when people are made to be desperate, others with malicious intent can get them to do and say just about anything, which is why predatory people love to make their prey desperate. It scares me, to be frank. All of us are vulnerable, some more than others, and under the right circumstances I believe any of us can be made to be desperate. Makes me think of the martyrs and how not too long ago they were murdering Christians in the middle east and those who held to their faith and wouldn’t go back on it were executed. If I recall correctly, one man was beheaded. One hopes they’ll dig their heels in and refuse to bow to fear and bravely be beheaded, but a person never can tell what they’ll do until they are in it.

      • Jeff Crippen

        Cara – Esau sold his birthright for a bowl of stew. Here is the account:
        Once when Jacob was cooking stew, Esau came in from the field, and he was exhausted. And Esau said to Jacob, “Let me eat some of that red stew, for I am exhausted!” (Therefore his name was called Edom.) Jacob said, “Sell me your birthright now.” Esau said, “I am about to die; of what use is a birthright to me?” Jacob said, “Swear to me now.” So he swore to him and sold his birthright to Jacob. Then Jacob gave Esau bread and lentil stew, and he ate and drank and rose and went his way. Thus Esau despised his birthright.
        (Genesis 25:29-34)
        Now, Esau was famished and he talks about being ready to die, but he wasn’t anywhere near dying of hunger. He was a man of the flesh and that is all he was interested in. Consider his birthright. As the eldest, he was the heir and in this case he was the heir of God’s Promise to Abraham. That Promise is Christ and the salvation effected for us by Him. In other words, Esau despised Christ. He knew, just as his father did, that the birthright of the promises to Abraham were far, far more than just inheriting Jacob’s tents and flocks and property.
        This was a grievous sin then because Esau despised Christ. And by doing so, as the New Testament tells us, Esau became reprobate:
        See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled; that no one is sexually immoral or unholy like Esau, who sold his birthright for a single meal. For you know that afterward, when he desired to inherit the blessing, he was rejected, for he found no chance to repent, though he sought it with tears. (Hebrews 12:15-17)

        • Cara

          Thanks for explaining that. The key was the despising of Christ. It makes so much better sense now!

      • frankiesmith

        I hear you it’s absolutely ridiculous how these people can look at you with a straight face and proclaim they are true Christians. It really is mind blowing and adds to the abuse. We can all understand when a sinner acts this way but when a professing Christians does it its mind blowing.
        My abusers are still leaders and active in the church. I pray everyday that their true nature will be exposed, that they will reap what they have sown even today. That they will be exposed, that they will have no peace until they repent, that they will be tormented by their sin which will lead them to repentance. Unfortunately that won’t happen, but I still cry for justice.

      • Wade

        The “sought it with tears” in Heb 12-17 is the portion of those verses that come to mind for me. The abuser in our family would be on his hands and knees saying he was sorry while crying “tears”. As believers we were to quick to jump to the conclusion “he is repentant”. Many well meaning followers of Jesus unintentionally kept the victim and her children in danger. In our situation it’s been three years since the victims have been physically free. And now three years later emotionally free. It has taken that long. What this situation has also done is begun the process of others who claim to be new creations in Christ, who unfortunately are in positions of authority, to show their true colors.
        I want to quote a note that the victim sent yesterday. It’s full of truth and you can hear her heart cry.
        “I pray that he is ‘leaving the faith’ (that he never had) and will go back to his ‘old life’ (that he never left), and move on from us.”

  4. sue

    Dear Pastor Crippen, i enjoy your sermons. Thank you so much for preaching what so many preachers gloss over. And i am really glad you’re not after people’s wallets. So many preachers are, i am continually shocked at preachers who push tithing on people who can barely put food on their tables, gas in their cars (to get back and forth to work) – people who aren’t blowing their money, people who are simply striving to stay afloat. Makes me sick.

    • Jeff Crippen

      Thank you Sue. Yes, and so typically that money ends up being used to build a man’s kingdom rather than Christ’s.

  5. sweethonesty7

    Yesterday I found one of the journals detailing my abuser’s cruelty to me. It seems unbelievable that I put up with any of it, but then again I was trapped in the whole “you don’t get ever get divorced” lie. I remember the 1st time I ever wrote to you, Pastor Crippen—a 10 page email—and it didn’t even include every cruel encounter I experienced up to that point; 10 pages and I *still* asked, “Am I abused?” I thank God for the reply: “In spades.” It was a turning point for me to eventually become free.
    He was so adept at hiding his cruelty that it never even came up in counseling sessions; only the result of me having unrelenting panic attacks was the *sole* focus for years on end. He came out smelling like a rose–‘Oh look!, what a caring husband he is to accompany his suffering wife to counseling sessions in order to get her help for panic attacks’–my abuser was now my rescuer. What a sick dance of evil.
    Abusers are bottomless pits as to what and how they carry out evil. Nothing and no one is off limits. They won’t hesitate to afflict their own children, because they know what that does to us mothers. Then they blame us for *their* actions and brainwash our children into believing we are the bad guy.

    • Jeff Crippen

      Sweethonesty7 – thank you for sharing with us. You are courageous and have come a long, long way in God’s wisdom. I am so glad you are free!!

    • Cara

      The “you don’t ever get divorced” lie has trapped so many of us and helped our abusers do so much additional damage. I was trapped by that lie, too, among other things. But it was mainly that lie that caused so much grief. My abuser was so evil, damaging, and horrific that I prayed pretty endlessly for death. I was horrified and awash in grief each time I woke up and realized I was still alive. What torture!
      The “no divorce” lie aids abusers because if the wife is Christian and takes her vows to God very seriously, so long as he tricks her to the altar, he’s got a perpetual victim no matter what he does to her.
      Glad you see the light. Glad you are better off. Glad you are getting out or have gotten out.

      • SweetHonesty7

        Cara it is so deeply sad that any of us would rather have our lives end then to see another day with our abusers; how they rob us on so many levels.
        I am out. Leaving has it’s own set of challenges; it’s not a carefree transition mainly, because of money issues. Victims almost always wind up with little to nothing and the abuser is swimming in funds. Many of us are older and finding work that pays a *living wage* is difficult. We have spent our lives raising our children, sacrificing for his career, and making life all to comfortable for the abuser. We find ourselves without computer program skills the younger generation are adept at and our aging faces are not something most corporate employers are keen on wanting. For example, Receptionist jobs: “Must have professional attire and present well” = ‘Your clothing must be exceptional and we want you young, attractive, and with a perfect figure.’
        Pastor Crippen you were exactly right when you told me, ‘You will not regret leaving, you will only wish you left sooner.’ 100% TRUE!

  6. Cara

    I have to put this semi-unrelated comment into here before I lose it to forgetting. In the sermon for today, we read 1 John 3 and verse 15 says, “Anyone who hates a brother or sister is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life residing in him.”
    Brother and sister IN CHRIST.
    Thus, it is okay to hate. I look to Psalm 139:21-22 “Do I not hate those who hate You, O Lord? And do I not loathe those who rise up against You? I hate them with complete hatred; I count them my enemies.”
    I think the church has been teaching so many false teachings, terrible, dangerous distortions for a long time. It shames those who do rightfully hate abusers, predators, and the like. Just like the Christmas cards that most often say “peace on earth” or call for “world peace”, but that’s a ridiculous notion. There should never be world peace. So long as Satan’s children roam the earth, we should hate them and be in perpetual battle against them.
    If we have become pitted enemies of a brother or sister IN CHRIST, then we are in great danger and must relent, as we’d be murderers otherwise. HOWEVER, with counterfeit brothers and counterfeit sisters [who are not] in Christ, I think it’s perfectly acceptable to hate them and hope they go to hell, as they are enemies of our Lord.
    I remember reading and hearing how I needed to pray for my abuser and others allied with my abuser. But I shall pray no longer. I hope they go to hell. It’s the most sound, logical, sensible thing. Why should I waste my prayers on monsters [and no, they don’t look like monsters, but rather are quite slick, and good at putting others at ease and backing them down from guardedness]? No more. And I will fight against feelings of guilt, too, because it arises from false teaching.
    Hopefully other victims can be helped by this. I think it is good and right to hate evil. And what are abusers but evildoers? Anyone can be temporarily abusive, but we are talking about abusers. Those who remain in sin. May they go down into the pit. They are enemies of God and thus enemies of mine, too.
    Happy Sunday to all the victims and battered sisters in Christ!

    • Z

      Once again, Cara, I could have written your words exactly. It seems we are both out of the “fog” of abuse, of false teachings, of guilt over not praying for evil people who hate us and hate God and are His enemies-who He hates and who we should hate too. They are as far as can be from our “brothers and sisters”. They are children of the devil willingly. They chose who they will serve.
      The only difference is that my abusers were my both of counterfeit christian parents. The false teachers were not only the church leaders I sought help from as a child and teen and young adult. They were members of my extended family who were “leaders” in their longtime churches. They knew about the violent child abuses, the horrific DV. “Forgive, forgive again, and then keep forgiving…” they all said to me. And it caused me MUCH more abuse for many more years. And then it also caused me to continue to associate with my abusers-children of the devil-who further harmed me with verbal and mental abuses as I became an adult. To escape, I married the first boyfriend I had the minute I graduated college. That was my abuser father’s edict. No leaving the abusive family home (for college out of state as I’d dreamed of doing to escape after high school) until I was married. So I married ASAP. To another abuser! As often happens to those who become conditioned by experiencing nothing but abuse all their childhoods and teens. More wrong church counseling by leaders and Christian counseling who valued saving a violent abusive marriage where I was being strangled, had jaw dislocated, had closed fist punches regularly…plus the verbal and emotional abuses. Until I got myself out to save my own life before I followed through with my lifelong suicidal thoughts as my only way out of abuses.
      At least we are free of our abusers now, free of the false teachings on “forgiveness” and divorce, we know who our brothers and sisters are and who are not. We know we don’t have to pray for people even God hates. We know we can pray God’s Holy Wrath on them. We have proper Scriptural teaching here to further free us.
      And we have a community of sisters (and maybe brothers too) here to provide empathy to and get empathy from on our long paths to healing from the reality of the horrors we suffered. Mine is CPTSD. It’s a long road even after we get free. And there are not many reliable resources, other than worldly counseling and Drs. to help such serious injuries to our nervous systems and brains. (I REFUSE to call it (Complex) Post Traumatic Stress “DISORDER”. We are not the “DISORDERED” ones! We were the victims INJURED by disordered evil people. I prefer “Post Traumatic Stress Injury”.)
      Blessings and prayers to you, Cara, and to all here who have experienced or are experiencing abuse. May the Lord Jesus Himself take us by the hand and lead us to complete recovery. Or at least walks by us through our broken lives until that glorious Day when all tears are wiped away by Jesus. And our abusers get exposed in front of all and get thrown in the lake of fire and we get to see Justice finally.

      • frankiesmith2064

        Z—Post traumatic stress injury— I love this my new title for this. I will use this now when referring to injuries suffered from abuse.

        • Innoscent

          Me too! I agree with our sister Z. The disorder is with the abuser, the perpetrator, not with his victim. Just like there is no ‘sexual disorder’ with someone who was raped or ‘financial disorder’ with someone whose account was hacked. *Injury* it is, and was intentionally, devilishy inflicted by some evil person with 100% his responsibility.
          Injury, from its etymology, means someone caused injustice, injust action, unlawful violence, insult to someone else.
          The label ‘disorder’ seems to imply something’s wrong with the person (victim), that somehow she isn’t able to cope. Once again, it mutualises the responsibility of the harm of abuse and downplays the offender total responsibility.

          • Z

            Dear frankiesmith2064 and Innoscent,
            We should start some kind of “movement” to get the terms Post Traumatic Stress “Disorder” And Complex Post Traumatic Stress “Disorder” changed to more correct terms!
            I say, place the term “Disorder” only on the DISORDERED ONES WHO ABUSED US! We are their victims and we had INJURIES to our nervous systems and brains and stress hormones INFLICTED ON US by evil, disordered (I believe by CHOICE) wicked people-children of their father the devil.
            Why should we wear a label of “Disordered” that defines THEM, not us?
            We need a way to lobby for this change to more precise and accurate language and labeling in the DSM-V. I wish I had the know-how to get it done.
            God bless you both dear sisters.

  7. Cara

    Now that you say that, I’ve heard “forgive, forgive, and then, forgive some more!” almost the same words as you. Outsiders said those words, not my abuser.
    My abuser was a “die B—-, die!” kind of person. I was to seek his forgiveness for being alive. But the whole “no divorce ever” “til death do you part” mis-teaching kept me in it, among other things like fear “they’re not only threats, they’re promises”, exhaustion, injuries, etc. They don’t go all savage until they’ve entrapped you and beat you down to a puddle of nothingness.
    My mind has been so ruined that I no longer function in life, but I figure if I can provide input via the internet, perhaps some other woman reading will see herself, will somehow be benefitted. Maybe, maybe not.
    With some abusers it’s not over until death or complete disability has been achieved, and even then, some remain insatiable. One girl’s suicide was followed by a FB account created to mock her suicide, so they could abuse her family and desecrate her memory even more. So, even in death, some continue.
    CPTSR (Response, not D for Disorder) is one variation I recently saw. But I am with you entirely on it being an INJURY not a disorder. I’ve not met another who has this understanding, too! Good! And it’s important. Injury reflects the cause being external and it was inflicted. And it’s not a disorder because in WWI, it was shown that soldiers who were on the front lines long enough would have shell shock of 100 percent incidence, so it was a matter of exposure to trauma, and how much one has been exposed to, and at a certain point, everyone is bound to show injury.
    CPTS[I] is also a crucial distinction from PTS[I] because it involves sustained trauma, more than one incident. Chronic abuse, when severe enough, and prolonged enough, almost invariably results in CPTS[I} for victims. Complex. Chronic. It’s up to you on which you want the C to be.
    Your story sounds typical. Girl is abused at home. She runs away. Marries quickly. Finds herself being abused in adulthood too.
    Predators sniff out vulnerability. Predators also hunt the decent of society. Good, decent, kind people are ideal targets, especially if they value marriage, commitment, serving God, being loyal.
    Thanks for sharing, Z. Sometimes I still feel a little extreme being so open about my hope they burn in hell. But they are enemies of God, it is good to hate them. It’s too often we see victims of crime will bury a family member and then say to the murderer in court, “I forgive you!” during the victim impact portion. It’s nuts. It’s cult-like. It’s illogical. It’s probably much to do with the oft-repeated lie that one must forgive in order to move on and that forgiveness is for you (the victim), not the abuser, and there’s no healing without forgiveness. Nonsense. I believe anger and hatred are way more therapeutic and healthy. Outrage is sometimes wonderfully helpful as it is protective and can spur action.

    • Z

      Dear Cara,
      Let me assure you, you ARE making an important impact with your posts. At least you are with me! It helps me so much to know I’m not alone in having had such horrific, long term and chronic (so CPTS(I)) abuses inflicted on me by my abusers AND the additional betrayals, indifference, abandonments..by all those relatives and “church friends” who profess falsely to be “Christians”.
      I’m so sorry that you had to experience the horrors of abuse and the hurts and false teachings by outsiders. But know that you have much to offer this community.

  8. Aussie

    Cara asked if anyone else had favorite hymns. Well I commend to the precious readers here the Metrical version of Psalm 1. If Jeff doesn’t mind I’d like to recommend a YouTube rendition…if that’s the correct word…by Arann Reformed Baptist Church in Dublin. The lyrics are very solemn indeed…and very carefully put in rhyme from the inspired Book of Psalms….here is the start…
    “That man hath perfect blessedness who walketh not astray
    In counsel of ungodly men nor stands in sinners’ way,
    Nor sitteth in the scorner’s chair:
    But placeth his delight
    Upon God’s law, and meditates
    on his law day and night.”
    You can find all the words to the rest of this psalm and indeed ALL of the Scottish metrical Psalter online.. And there are quite a few videos with the singing against a backdrop of beautiful scenery.
    Some people don’t like the Psalms as they say they don’t mention Jesus…when in fact Jesus IS there in prophetic form. And you will find the pure word of God in the psalms.

  9. suzzieq07

    I can recall instances where my abuser seemed to have a “look of cruel “satisfaction” when I would ask a question such as “Don’t you care at all?” One time I started to ask him “Why don’t you love me, but quickly caught myself and asked instead, “Why do you HATE me?” Again, no reply, just that acid look of evil one-up-manship and gleeful control. Yes, this article hit home. Thank you Pastor Crippen for continuously looking at all the aspects of abuse. Victims have often chosen to live in denial as a way to avoid the heart-wrenching hurt that they will have to face in order to be free. But being able to identify the source of the hurt is key and that can only happen by listening to God’s truth. Keep fighting the Good Fight!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *