Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

Some Truth from a Survivor

This was written by IAmMyBeloveds, a survivor who was even ex-communicated from her Presbyterian conservative church because she refused to “reconcile” and submit to her abuser of many, many years.

Now who on earth would expect a woman/wife being abused by her spouse verbally, emotionally, spiritually, sexually, physically and financially, to keep up her overall ability to handle life, her mental health as well as physical and also to have perfect or even close to perfect responses to everyone in her life? Who?
This is who…
Biblical counselors
The abuser
Her family
His family
Her children
Her boss
Her co-workers
Her friends
Her church
Her lawyer
The Judges
Her Neighbors
Etc etc…..
But none of them would ever admit to that. Instead their responses go something like, “I understand what she is going through (even tho I have no idea what kind of trauma she is enduring bc I have never been through anything like that) but she could try harder to give me the responses I expect from her”.


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  1. This is distressing. No-one should be told – by people in authority – to remain in an abusive situation. That person needs empathy and support. They need to feel others understand, will help, and do their best to protect them from physical and psychological harm.

  2. no one down here

    from the church:
    We would never put you into an unsafe situation. You can trust us to be your oversight.
    but also, there is no reason for you to feel unsafe.
    The natural conclusion to those two statements is that extreme anger, extreme verbal, emotional, psychological abuse, coupled with extreme physical intimidation that occasionally crossed lines into actual physical contact abuse… with a healthy side of some other gross sins not included in the “abuse” category…. all that does not make a person “unsafe.”

  3. healinginhim

    IAmMyBeloveds — What a tragic summary but oh so true. I can relate as the expectation to just make happy talk still surrounds me. (it’s been going on for so long)
    Thankful for ministries who let us know we are not crazy and to keep pressing on because they understand. Thank you Pastor Crippen and thank you to your church for the prayers.

  4. Yes, her children, her parents, her church, etc. It’s the saddest part when those who are supposed to be the ones closest to you and supposed to believe in you, judge and condemn you in the name of God.

  5. Where the church in general is concerned, responsibility for abuse is virtually always deflected to the victims rather than the perpetrators. It is far easier to pressure the sensitive, caring one into sharing complicity and accepting responsibility for healing the massive breach in the relationship than to admit there is a self-serving, ungodly predator in their midst, let alone confront him, protect those who have been harmed by him, and support those who find it necessary to divorce such a one.
    Sadly, the preservation of image (especially the church’s) is often deemed of greater value than truth, righteousness and justice.

  6. GrayRock

    IAmMyBeloveds, yes, you’re expected to function perfectly against all odds. When you’re experiencing trauma, that’s not what people want to hear about … Put on a happy face, tell them what they want to hear …
    Basically, they don’t want to be bothered with your pain.

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