Dr. Les Carter posted this excellent video dealing with this issue – should you forgive a narcissist (abuser) when they tell you that you need to forgive them. Here is the link –
Dr. Les Carter posted this excellent video dealing with this issue – should you forgive a narcissist (abuser) when they tell you that you need to forgive them. Here is the link –
Lynn
Forgiveness should only be extended to abusive people when there is evidence of contrition and voluntary restitution. Anything less is enablement. Do not confuse an apology with repentance/contrition. Abusers are willing to say whatever others want to hear in order to get out of being punished for their bad behavior.
Forgiveness does not entitle the abuser to continue in a relationship with you if there isn’t strong, lasting evidence of godly change. This is highly unlikely with abusers because they always have to be right and in control. Admitting a failure or a weakness or a mistake is unacceptable to them.
Those who demand forgiveness because they asked for it, but who haven’t demonstrated that they are genuinely contrite, aren’t entitled to be forgiven. God looks not only at the words we speak but also at the intention of our hearts when we repent. He knows when people are genuine, and when they are trying to get out of negative consequences for their bad behavior. He doesn’t forgive the manipulative, the deceptive, the unrepentant, and the unrighteous. Neither should we. We are allowed to use our god-given judgment to withhold forgiveness when genuine repentance is absent. You will know them by their fruit. A good tree doesn’t bear bad fruit. Likewise a bad tree doesn’t bear good fruit.
We don’t do ourselves or the RASN any good by continuing to enable their evil by saying we forgive when there’s no evidence of repentance. So follow the model Jesus gave us in forgiving those who repent and ask for forgiveness. Let those RASNs who demand forgiveness reap the just reward of the life spent sowing to the wind – a whirlwind of destruction.
Scripture shows us that we are to forgive our brothers and sisters in Christ 70×7. RASNs aren’t brothers and sisters in Christ. They are hypocrites and children of the devil. Many a pastor, influencer and RASN hypocrite has used scripture to say that because they said the words, we – the one’s harmed – are obligated to forgive. That’s a lie. The only thing that forgiving an unrepentant RASN will lead to is more abuse.
Know it is okay to withhold forgiveness from a RASN if they haven’t demonstrated genuine repentance. Do the internal work with the Holy Spirit so that you can heal from what’s been done to you. Forgive yourself for the time you spent marginalizing and minimizing the damage the RASN’s actions did to you. You did what you had to do in order to survive. There’s no shame in that.
Find healthy ways to deal with your anger, resentment, and any other negative emotions that the abuse has triggered. Know that your body’s reponse to the abuse is meant for your survival and protection, even if it doesn’t feel like it. A life in Christ is meant to be one of freedom. For who the son set free, is free indeed. So go be free.