Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

A Common Evidence that Most People Don't Care

2Ti 4:14-15 Alexander the coppersmith did me great harm; the Lord will repay him according to his deeds. (15) Beware of him yourself, for he strongly opposed our message.

This is a very illuminating scripture for a number of reasons and I have written about it more than once. In this case I want to focus on its application to a very common scenario created by acquaintances (I won’t call them friends) of abuse victims. Here is how it works.

Some event is coming. Maybe a wedding, or a funeral, or a graduation or family thing. And what happens? People who know what the abuse victim has suffered, and who know WHO the abuser is, invite the abuser to the event anyway. I have had this happen to me many times. A wedding. A funeral. A so-called family reunion. And I do not go. Then I am criticized for not being there. Why didn’t I attend? Because I knew that evil, wicked people who hate me and who have caused all kinds of suffering were invited to come and they would have absolutely no qualms or shame about attending. I drew some personal boundaries some years ago and resolved that I will never be put in such a situation again.

Now, why are these evil people invited? Well, I can tell you. Because the people who invite them simply do not care. They do not care about the wicked abuse that has happened. They do not care about the victim. They just don’t care. They want to maintain friendly relations with the abuser because they do not want to take a stand and pay the price that the victim has had to pay.

And there is something else they don’t care about. They do not care that the Lord Himself commands us to have nothing to do with such evil people. We are to expose their evil and separate from them. If they are the pretend Christians then we are to put them out of the church (something that is rarely done by local churches today).

So here it is, allies of the evil one. The Lord Jesus says plainly that if we who claim to follow Him do not love His people and if we do not hear and obey His Word, then we are not His sheep. He doesn’t know us. He will not have us. If anyone invites an abusive, evil person who has done harm to others…if you invite them to your birthday gala, or to a wedding, or whatever the event might be – you simply do not care about the victims of such people.

And Christ does not care about you.


Let's Talk about "Peace"


The Lie of Toxic Positivity – A Guest Post


  1. Anonymous

    Dear Pastor Crippen, thank you for this post. I learn so much reading and listening to this truth.
    I have noticed and become aware of something new to me. People (Job’s friends, family, neighbors, etc.) are always so very entitled to set their boundaries firmly in place. Whether it is tossing out a cruel nasty comment, ignoring actual real physical boundaries, stealing, lying, cheating, etc. Those are their boundaries we are not to cross under any circumstance and that includes calling them out on it or consequences.
    There is absolutely nothing wrong with enforcing your own boundaries against this behavior and going no contact.
    I am choosing to attend my adult child’s wedding, in solidarity with another abuse victim.
    Thanks to the audio sermons on domestic abuse (on the last one and plan on starting it all over again) I can see the seeds of domination being planted. One person over riding the thoughts and feelings of another. Evil comes in great variety of flavors and disguises. The core actions are all similar. This is a matter of prayer and God’s mighty hand to move in this matter.
    I am also choosing to not ever allow this evil to dictate to me to turn my back on a domestic abuse victim and will attend the wedding if it does take place.
    As a domestic abuse victim, I was so beaten down that I made many many mistakes. Having a loving hand to hold would have meant the world to me.
    Where there is no victim and the evil just hangs out, like a church, family members, neighbors, etc. I walk a wide path around them and avoid them at all costs. At this point, they no longer even bother to invite me. I laugh when they demand I pretend to not care, smile, be happy, get over it, because I actually don’t care. It took me over a decade to get to this point.

  2. Rae

    I will be attending my youngest daughters wedding in a few weeks time. Yes. The abuser will be there. I will not fear or let the triggers of his abuse control the event. I believe evil still hates the light. The light always overcomes the darkness. I know that God will protect me.

  3. Ginny

    Not realizing till reading his has been my life. In trying to not make life worse for my grown kids I let my ex put me in a corner of all gatherings since the divorce. I think I pull back in a room full of people who I know don’t like me or I know believe him. He holds court always but never looks at or talk to me. Like I never existed in his life & family. He went to my kids & grandkids and tearfully apologized to them for his bad treatment of them. I only go for grandkids. Not sure what to do now….

  4. Lynn

    They fear men more than they fear God. They want to be seen as nice, inclusive, and hospitable to all, not realizing or caring that in doing so they welcome Satan’s children in their midst.
    It all comes down to cowardice, willful unbelief, and a desire to be thought well of by men. Instead of obeying what scripture tells us to do about wicked people parading as godly and depart from them, they want to be “nice” and include them in all of the memorable family and church functions.

  5. Be free

    Thank you SO much for this message, what incredible timing! I have been wrestling a bit with the reality of the abusers, from both my biological family and through former marriage, that will inevitably also be invited to upcoming funerals, graduations, weddings, etc. of people I love – as the generations enter those stages of life. Your message was incredibly well stated and aligned with what my gut was telling me – under no circumstances will I attend. The kicker was, I am the only person I know who has faced such situations and chose not to go for the many unhonorable silent messages these abuser-supporters are sending by inviting the abusers, knowing who they are and what they did/do. That is, the only one until reading your message.
    I have thought to myself many times – what would it look like if I went? And there is absolutely nothing good or God-honoring that would come of going – my endorsing their re-abusing me via their weakness and endorsements of the abusers is enough to make me cringe! Worse, it would be like I was now abusing myself telling myself to go and play along with the horrible, back-handed comments and dismissals of me, and their hugging, laughing with, and coddling – of all people – the abusers! In all seriousness, I might as well be running back to the church and small group that cowardly supported the marital abuse by their silence to the abuser, and instead sent me packing by their silence and refusal to address the abuser’s violent, deceptive and evil choices.
    It’s probable there will be their standard viper-like drama and gossip that will inevitably follow my not attending these events. Yet I know the Lord has brought me this far and did not drop me curbside, so with him I will be strong and hang on to his coat tails when I am tired, and believe in his just promises either way. Ironically, as I write this, it’s starting to ease thinking Jeff Crippen did it! Paul did it!! I can do it! WE all can do this – in Him!!! Thank you again

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.