Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

"Friends" of Victims who Refuse to Separate from the Wicked

2 Corinthians 6:17-18 ESV  Therefore go out from their midst, and be separate from them, says the Lord, and touch no unclean thing; then I will welcome you,  (18)  and I will be a father to you, and you shall be sons and daughters to me, says the Lord Almighty.”

Many times I have had abuse victims/survivors tell me that they are in a dilemma. Specifically, that they are faced with some gathering – a wedding, a funeral, a family reunion – that they really would like to attend. And yet their abuser is going to be there. He is invited and welcomed by those hosting the thing, even though they know quite well what he has done to his victim.

This has been done to me repeatedly over the years. Myself and our church stood against some wicked evildoer who of course claimed to be a fine Christian, put them out from among us (or they just left after a tantrum and slander), and yet there is always, it seems, a number of people who simply will not break off from them. It can be a pedophile, a reviler, a domestic abuser or some other rank hypocrisy, yet there is this stubborn refusal of some to do what the Lord commands – come out from them and be separate. They will continue to go to the wedding, the funeral, the family reunion and have just a fine time. But the victim? She has to stay away – and she is criticized for doing so. She’s so unforgiving, you know.
Why would anyone expect us to party on with someone who has attacked us, slandered us, assaulted us, wickedly abused us, all the while claiming to be a holy child of God? Why is that expectation put upon us? Why do people who profess to be Christians persist in associating with the wicked? I can tell  you:

  • They arent’ Christians themselves
  • They are cowards who don’t want to suffer for Christ and pay the price
  • They don’t hunger and thirst for righteousness

When the wedding invitations go out, when the annual family reunion date rolls around, the question is NOT – “why isn’t she going?” The real question that you can bet the Lord Himself is “why are you going to party with the wicked.”


+++One of the Worst Letters I Have Seen From a Pastor to an Abuse Victim


Knowing and Being Known – Be sure to Listen to this Important Sermon


  1. wingingit

    But they will tell you that “He is trying to move past all that” and you are stubbornly stuck in the past.
    Of course, what they will not say is that he is moving past it by covertly slandering, isolating, and continuing to abuse his victim through others while pretending to care about anyone other than himself.
    The issue is they can look at his pretty mask and not have to deal with the reality of evil. But looking at the maskless face of his victim with its scars and tears makes them uncomfortable.
    They would rather live in a pretend reality where abusers suddenly become great people without changing a thing.
    The victims of the abuse are inconvenient because they are real and remind others that evil and sin are real, too. This brings the family and friends face to face with the fact that they are complicit in the abuse through their silence.
    This is a scary thought for the observers because now the sin has become theirs to share, as have the consequences of that sin.
    It is easier to act like the victim is the evil one than confess to complicity in the face of evil.
    If she would just fall into line, like she used to and pretend it was not happening, they would treat her like a “friend” again.
    “Why must she keep up this annoying crying out in pain nonsense?”
    They will not escape the judgement of God for their part in it, and this is what they are trying so hard to ignore.

    • Krikit

      Every word you spoke is among the truth I, and so many others, including yourself I bet, have lived. Speak truth always.👍🏻

  2. walkinginlight

    I know some folks who would be very “offended” by the truth spoken of here. It seems only that the “truth tellers” are ostracized and everyone gangs up on and hates the one who speaks the truth just like Jesus did. They do not find it “practical” to bring the evil out into the light (Ephesians 5). Very few want to suffer for Christ and pay the price for pushing the envelope of righteousness. In fact it does not seem to bother them how horrendous the victim was treated just as long as the evildoers still include them. People who behave this way are no friend of the victim and are certainly being disloyal to Jesus’ teachings.
    But for the COWARDLY and unbelieving and abominable and murderers and immoral persons and sorcerers and idolaters and all liars, their part will be in the lake that burns with fire and brimstone, which is the second death. Rev. 21:8
    Your understanding Pastor Crippen means more then you will ever know. Thank you.

  3. I haven’t commented for a long time but I appreciate so much of how Pastor Crippen speaks the truth that so many of us are not allowed to verbalize.
    This particular post hit hard as once again an adult child dropped in for a quick visit which digressed as I stood my ground on “sin”. This child along with the siblings know the Word and instead portray me as being the oppressive parent and thus any discussion of spiritual matters is off limits.
    The “sin” I have attempted to make my adult children own up to is the abuse of their father, however, they claim that all is well because “he apologized for the way they were raised”. Talk about a slap in the face! And another says that we all make ‘bad choices’ referencing the sin against me … I have of course been told to move on. Hmmm?
    Anyway, yes. The family visits continue and I am not missed. Apparently, it was my choice to not just get-along with everyone and not question the double-standards.
    What began as abuse from the man I married has escalated into full-blown abusive criticism for me choosing to stay away from toxic relationships.

  4. Z

    Great post, Pastor. There IS suffering for the cause of Christ and for obedience to Him. And God calls for bravery (not the cowardice too many falsely-professing “christians” display) to dissociate with known evil. Much worldly discomfort and inconvenience are often required for obeying God’s COMMAND to SEPARATE FROM EVIL. I’ve done it and lost everyone I thought I knew. They were frauds who enjoy keeping company with known evil so I separated myself from them. I gladly walked away from my share in my former parents’ (my abusers) will, away from their money bribes and gifts, phony kindnesses… that they always used to “intermittently reward” me so I was kept off-balance, thinking my abusers weren’t “all bad” (I didn’t know at the time that this was called “Hoovering, used especially when I set boundaries and consequences after their abuses, and it was meant to try to draw me back into contact with them for more abuse). I walked away from an entire clan of relatives and lifelong “friends” who still want their share of “gain” from the abusers’ bribery and polishing act to keep them as allies, as well as their being included in all the festivities: weddings, funerals, parties…(God forbid they miss a barbecue for obeying God Almighty!) and so they are still supporters and allies or in friendly contact with my abusers and therefore complicit in the known evil done to me-a child of God. And I’d walk away in obedience to God and for my safety all over again!
    Pastor, I agree with your reasons that “friends” DON’T SEPARATE FROM KNOWN EVIL-as commanded by God. It will “cost them” worldly comfort, convenience, inclusion and material gain to obey God’s command. Or they are liars who are not really Christians at all and can therefore easily disobey God. Or they are cowards who don’t want to suffer-as Jesus said REAL CHRISTIANS WOULD-for His Name’s sake. Instead of possibly being inconvenienced, they instead revel with the abusers/known evildoers because it’s EASIER FOR THEM than taking an uncomfortable, righteous stand by obeying God and separating themselves from evil. They are way too comfortable wanting to be around known evil and with disobeying the Lord they falsely claim to serve. (“What do righteousness and wickedness have in common? What fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?…’Therefore COME OUT FROM THEM AND BE SEPARATE, SAYS THE LORD’.” 2 Cor. 6:14-15, 17). God’s Word is so clear. Be SEPARATE from evil. I want no association with counterfeit “Christian” hypocrites who choose to associate with evil. They condone evil and stay connected to it against God’s direct commands to them. I will BE OBEDIENT to God and BE SEPARATE from known evildoers no matter the cost to me. My God will bless and reward my obedience. He will replace whatever I “lost“ (no loss really!) with better things that come directly from Him.

    • healinginhim

      >> My God will bless and reward my obedience. He will replace whatever I “lost“ (no loss really!) with better things that come directly from Him.<<
      So well stated and this is my reality, too. When the Lord saved me many years ago; there was no turning back and I was naïve as to what true Christians were.

      • Z

        I’m sorry your reality comes close to mine. It’s a hard, hard reality to find out people we naively thought were “christians” just because they “said so” were actually agents of satan who harmed and exploited us because of our true Christian open, welcoming, kind, forgiving hearts. But our eyes are opened now. “Not everyone who calls Me, “Lord, Lord” will enter the Kingdom of heaven. Only those who do the will of My Father in heaven.” Obedience! The NARROW road with only a FEW on it! The rest go happily on that WIDE road to destruction.🔥
        As long as they still get the bribes and invites to the cookouts and weddings, etc..with the abusers! With no cost or inconvenience to be obedient to our Most High God. Such fools.

  5. Sue

    Dear Pastor Crippen and Friends, am so glad to NOT get those wedding, shower, graduation, anniversary….gimmee-fest invites. From the same people, that any other time, you might as well fall off the planet. And it’s like an unwritten rule that any gift below $50 doesn’t cut it – never mind there may be for-real needs. Sad thing is, more often than not, it’s all show – people fork over more than they can afford.

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