Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church

Never Go to a Meeting When the Purpose is Unknown to You

I have learned (the hard way) that one of the ways the wicked work their evil against the righteous is by setting a trap or snare. Jesus said, “beware of men.” And so we must.
A typical way that the wicked set their traps is to ask their victim to –

  •  come to the office to talk
  • let’s just sit down and talk
  • I need to talk to you very badly
  • No, no, no. We don’t need anyone else to come. Just come yourself so we can talk

In each one of these cases if you ask the person what the subject of the meeting or “talk” is, they will refuse to provide it or will evade answering. DO NOT GO to such a meeting. Do not have a phone call with such a person. Even if, and especially if, they are quoting Bible verses to you about brothers forgiving and reconciling and loving one another – DO NOT GO. It is a trap. I don’t care if it is the pillar of the church or the pastor or the elders or, whoever, DO NOT GO.
Think about it. Why would someone not want to provide you with the subject of or reason for the meeting? Why? Because somehow they know that they really do have something to hide, that they have some kind of agenda to hit you with and they don’t want you to know about it or you won’t come! It’s a trap.
You ALWAYS have the right to know the reason for a meeting, especially when the person making the request is someone you don’t necessarily trust. Insist upon it. Stand by it. And once they pull this on you, don’t go even if they cave and tell you the reason. They have already shown their deception and that they cannot be trusted.


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  1. Change Agent

    What do you suggest for those living out Ps 56? I am referring to situations where those who are supposed to uphold justice instead attack and oppress, harass and assault. Those of us who are suffering through abuse and harassment know the familiar schemes of the wicked and make attempts to work around their obstacles and hindrances. However, there are times when like Jesus (Luke 4:29) you are attacked by the mob because you have to go where they are and they push you to the edge of the cliff with the intent of killing you. Jesus walked through them and went on his way. That is my prayer for all of us.

    • eagerlabassistants

      This is interesting…not that I’m not aware of the setup *meetings* but rather I have not encountered these. I rather have gotten and get silence from both the abuser and protectors of the abuser and false accusations aimed to make me appear uncongenial. Ie…(forget the prostitutes and porn and lies about it for decades..I was, while lying, really sorry about it as I am now) “if YOU wanna work things things out then…but let’s just keep not talking to each other until YOU come around”, or “gee whiz..you sound awfully disrespectful (to sin)”, crap like that. Oo..and now that that didn’t work, “let’s go find a *real* secular counselor”. I did.. .a really good attorney in fact. 😉 Working on the *marriage* 😉 please pray I can make enough to take over the mortgage.

  2. Jeff Crippen

    A complete setup orchestrated by the wicked.

  3. The church I was attending at the time of my divorce process attempted such a meeting. The pastor left a message on my phone telling me that on this certain day and time he and another person would be coming to my house. He gave no reason for the meeting and didn’t tell me who would be coming with him. I called him back and left a message on his machine making it very clear that his demand was out of line and that I wouldn’t be home.
    As Pastor Crippen advises, “Do Not Go!”

    • Jeff Crippen

      This advice also applies to phone call messages. “Call me. We need to talk.” Or “I have a few questions.” The majority of the time they are leaving the real topic unstated so as to set you up. I still regularly refuse to return calls like this. I tell people I want emails. Then I have what they say in writing and if it is an attack then it is documented. Plus I don’t have to listen to the devil talk.

  4. Change Agent

    When you request only email/text contact you are told that is unreasonable. Then when messages unrelated to the only reason for interaction come through you are told you are being cold for not responding. I remember I got a message about theology 4 years after divorce but never got responses about visitation and was told I should entertain the message and the lack of response was due to being preoccupied. If visitation and direct messages are not a priority then I am not sure what other subject should be pursued by divorced individuals.

  5. Anonymous

    I am so sorry you had to endure that.

  6. Stormy

    God has made note of that and they will answer for it! I love this line it’s beautiful. Soothing to my soul.

  7. Jeff Crippen

    Good stuff! I am concluding more and more that there is a cult aspect to many local “churches”

    • Z

      I concur. I’d add that there is also a cult aspect to abusive families, extended families, church friends and other friends of the abusers. Especially professing “christian” clans and groups.
      With the main abusers calling the shots, the other cult members carry out their attempts to brainwash into subjugation and/or punish targets. Depending on the target’s response. You either join the cult-think or pay the price of resistance.
      They use many of the same cult mind-control tactics on targets who don’t “follow their script”-which is to support and even idolize the abusers, as most unfortunately do to avoid the cost of resistance.
      Resisters, exposers, those who go No Contact with abusers face the cult joining forces trying to “break them”.
      Abuse them mentally. Isolate them. Punish them. Smear them. Turn all others against them.

  8. C

    Dear Pastor, thank you for your wisdom.
    Dear Nathalie, dear Z, and dear all with hurting hearts:
    My heart goes out to you.
    Maybe it is comforting to know that this kind of wickedness happened to Jesus himself:
    33 For John the Baptist has come eating no bread and drinking no wine, and you say, ‘He has a demon.’
    34 The Son of Man has come eating and drinking, and you say, ‘Look at him! A glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and sinners!’
    Luke 7, 33-34 (ESV)
    Or even with miracles:
    32 As they were going away, behold, a demon-oppressed man who was mute was brought to him.
    33 And when the demon had been cast out, the mute man spoke. And the crowds marveled, saying, “Never was anything like this seen in Israel.”
    34 But the Pharisees said, “He casts out demons by the prince of demons.”
    Matthew 9,32-34 (ESV)
    Here is, for when you cannot avoid a meeting:
    4 “I tell you, my friends, do not fear those who kill the body, and after that have nothing more that they can do.
    5 But I will warn you whom to fear: fear him who, after he has killed, has authority to cast into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him!
    8“And I tell you, everyone who acknowledges me before men, the Son of Man also will acknowledge before the angels of God,
    9 but the one who denies me before men will be denied before the angels of God.
    10 And everyone who speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven, but the one who blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven.
    11 And when they bring you before the synagogues and the rulers and the authorities, do not be anxious about how you should defend yourself or what you should say,
    12 for the Holy Spirit will teach you in that very hour what you ought to say.”
    Luke 12, 4-5, 8-11 (ESV)
    As it shows, this is a dead serious matter.
    Myself, I have messed up in some such situations – Pastor – thank you for your warning and advice.
    May the Lord help each one here, and send you the comforter and spirit of wisdom.
    May it be a judgement to those, who set up such a devilish trap for the sheep.
    Christ bless you all,

  9. Ms. N.

    Along the lines of what Z said about abusers punishing those who go no contact, I am wondering how to separate safely.

    • Jeff Crippen

      Ms N – go to your local womens resource center and talk to them. You can also read online about escape plans for domestic abuse victims.

      • Ms. N.

        I’m sorry, I meant an abusive person in the church who exploits your vulnerability when you are healing from a painful past (I’ve already left my domestic abuser long time ago with the help of a secular organization).

    • Ms. N.
      The National National Domestic website has a section on creating a safety plan. You may find it helpful.

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