Abuse and the Doctrine of Headship and Submission
Sermon 19 from the series: The Psychology and Methods of Sin
A 21 sermon series on domestic violence and abuse
First given on December 5, 2010
Sermon Text: 1 Peter 2 – 3:7
Matthew 19:1-6 ESV Now when Jesus had finished these sayings, he went away from Galilee and entered the region of Judea beyond the Jordan.(2) And large crowds followed him, and he healed them there. (3) And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for any cause?”
(4) He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, (5) and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? (6) So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”
1 Timothy 2:8-15 ESV I desire then that in every place the men should pray, lifting holy hands without anger or quarreling; (9) likewise also that women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire, (10) but with what is proper for women who profess godliness– with good works. (11) Let a woman learn quietly with all submissiveness. (12) I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man; rather, she is to remain quiet. (13) For Adam was formed first, then Eve; (14) and Adam was not deceived, but the woman was deceived and became a transgressor. (15) Yet she will be saved through childbearing–if they continue in faith and love and holiness, with self-control.
Ephesians 5:22-33 ESV Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.
(23) For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. (24) Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. (25) Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, (26) that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, (27) so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. (28) In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. (29) For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, (30) because we are members of his body. (31) “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”(32) This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. (33) However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
The Abuser’s ‘Take’ On Headship and Submission
- Has a mindset, a mentality, of control and power over. This is what defines him, especially in regard to his relationship with his wife or girlfriend. This is how he thinks.
- Has a profound sense of entitlement. He is entitled – this is his assumption, his outlook on life. He is the center of his universe and expects/demands everyone to acknowledge him. Especially his victims.
- And, as we have learned, he is a person who has a conscienceless assumption of justification so that he can use his weapons of abuse with no remorse. He has done “justice” – he has effected “righteousness” in his abuse of his victim. He might see the thing as “well, it’s too bad – but she needs to learn.”
UPDATE NOTE: It is possible that there is a better, more biblical term for the husband as head than “headship.” You can think that over. I have not changed this word here since preaching this sermon back in 2010. Perhaps “headship” does not quite accurately convey Paul’s teaching here that “the husband is the head of the wife.”
There are two kinds of power. One kills the spirit, the other nourishes the spirit. The first is Power Over. The other is Personal Power . Power Over shows up as control and dominance. Personal Power shows up as mutuality and co-creation. Mutuality is a way of being with another person which promotes the growth and well-being of one’ s self AND the other person by means of clear communication and empathetic understanding. Someone who [on the other hand] believes in Power Over expects to get what he or she wants through the use of Power Over another. [Patricia Evans, The Verbally Abusive Relationship],
We still live in a patriarchal culture that construes women to be subordinate to men. I used to think, when I was very young, that patriarchy was a term for old men’s ideas – ideas like ‘women shouldn’ t vote.’ I thought that patriarchy was about ‘how it was in the old days.’ But now I see that patriarchy – a system of erroneous and dehumanizing beliefs about men and women – still has a tremendous influence in our culture and throughout the world…Discussing beliefs about power , entitlements, one’ s own authority, being in charge of another person, being the authority in another’ s life versus being one’ s own authority, and so forth can help the abuser see how patriarchy has taught oppression.
An attitude of superiority and a deep disrespect for women, combined with feelings of entitlement and desire for power and control, prevent the abusive man from feeling empathy or compassion toward his wife. He feels little or no remorse when he slaps her around because in his eyes she is always wrong; she is the one to blame. His goal is to discredit her, to silence her protests, and to divert attention from his bad behavior to her failures.
Where do these attitudes originate? They typically result from 1) male role models in the home who disrespect or abuse women; 2) cultural attitudes toward women as servants or property; and 3) distortion of Scripture preached from pulpits of all denominations for generations, erroneously teaching that because God created Adam first, man must be superior to woman in every way – mentally, physically, and spiritually. The colloquial corruption of the King James Version’ s ‘help meet’ in Genesis 2:18 into the so-called “helpmate” of tradition has been the source of many disrespectful attitudes toward women by Christian men.
God does not give husbands the right to control or punish their wives…. Other Scripture passages about submission (such as Ephesians 5:21-32) have been distorted by abusive men against their wives. They ignore the foundation of submission …where husbands are instructed to love their wives as Christ loved the church. What does that love and leadership look like? Christ’s love did not exploit, exert power and control, intimidate, demean, verbally abuse, or use force or violence….He did not demand his rights. Instead, He humbled Himself as a servant and washed the disciples’ feet.
Submission is not a right given to a husband to demand but a precious gift given willingly by a woman ‘as unto the Lord’ (Eph 5:22). When an abusive, power-hungry man demands submission as his right, it is no longer a loving gift but a stolen treasure gained by extortion and coercion. [Violence Among Us]
- bring him a beer on his demand
- do every task as he instructs her to do it
- conduct her daily affairs and schedule exactly as he directs her to
- obtain his permission before making any decision
Many misconceptions so popular today have been created by the abuser himself as a smokescreen to prevent another person from digging too deeply into his heart and mind. He is a master of manipulation who will use a myriad of excuses and blame to distract anyone trying to get at the heart of the matter. [Violence Among Us].
We do not reject the biblical doctrine of headship and submission in marriage. It is a plain, healthy, righteous doctrine. A beautiful picture of Christ and His bride, the church. But we do acknowledge that sinful people have indeed perverted God’s Word, as we see in the following true example taken from Battered Into Submission – The Tragedy of Wife Abuse in the Christian Home, by James and Phyllis Alsdurf –
As an 8-year old, Alice was abused by her brother. Forty years later as she talked about that incident and the many which followed, she spoke through tears. ‘I passed out and when I came to I was lying like I was hung on a cross. I carried that burden myself, thinking it was my own fault because of what I heard at church. The church was so powerful. The little girls sat down in front practically beneath the pulpit and the pastor always talked about hell, fire, brimstone, about harlots and adulterers. It always was the woman’s fault. I wished then that I’d been born a boy. They seemed to be favored. They had a chance to go to high school. I didn’t. My folks bought insurance policies for my brothers, but not for the girls.
When my brother was after me, I’d want to open the bedroom door and tell someone, but I couldn’t. After I left home I finally realized why: My folks wouldn’t have believed me. My brother was kingpin. I guess I would rather go on believing that they loved me than find out the truth.’
Five weeks after marriage, her husband’ s emotional and physical abusiveness started. ‘Being in control was so important to him. He would make comments about needing to break me in like a horse. He didn’t want his family to think he wasn’t in control. I felt like I was in prison, like a caged bird. A bird who could fly but wasn’ t allowed.’
Alice blames the bulk of her husband’s problems on the strict religious environment in which they both were raised. ‘It caused the problems in the first place. There was no expressing of emotions, especially for men. The church gave him the right to do everything he did. All we ever heard was that the woman has to be submissive. It never taught the next thing, that the husband is to love his wife as his own body. I never heard those verses in church. I didn’t even know they were in the Bible until I read them at home myself.’
A woman from the Midwest, now leading a support group for abused women, noted that when she first told her pastor about being abused by her husband, the pastor said, ‘I will never again bring this up.’ ‘I felt that the message he gave me was ‘Please don’t bring this up. I don’t want to deal with it.’ Later, the pastor did not even recall my having told him about the abuse. It scared him and he didn’t listen.’ That woman subsequently left the marriage, the church and the evangelical denomination to which she had belonged since her youth. The church kept me in a sick, abusive marriage for 21 years.’
II. So, What does Headship and Submission Really Look Like?
We are going to have to spend quite a lot more time next week with these words-
1 Peter 3:1-8 ESV Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, (2) when they see your respectful and pure conduct. (3) Do not let your adorning be external–the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear– (4) but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. (5) For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands,
(6) as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening. (7) Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. (8) Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind.
Submission is a discipline of the heart for all believers to practice, not just wives or women. All Christians are called to submit to authority (1 Peter 2:13), to one another (Ephesians 5:21), and to God (James 4:7). But don’t misunderstand what submission is and what it is not. In the Greek, the word submission describes a voluntary action or attitude. Biblical submission cannot be forced. It is a position we take when we are motivated by our love for Christ and our desire to please and obey Him….
When a husband bullies his wife, his behavior does not describe biblical headship, nor is her forced ‘submission’ characteristic of biblical submission. The correct terms are coercion, manipulation, intimidation, or rape – and she is the victim. Let’s make sure we use the right words.
I am amazed by those instances when a man who believes strongly in forcible submission is confronted with his own sin but is unwilling to submit himself to anyone else’s authority for help and accountability, including his own pastor. Such a man is not open to correction, challenge, or change because he is always right. He manipulates the Scriptures to serve his purposes.
Jesus cautions those in positions of authority – parents, husbands, pastors, and elders – not to misuse those God-ordained positions for self-centered purposes. These roles are given to us by God to humbly serve the individuals or groups that have been entrusted to our care, not to have our egos stroked or to get our own way. (Mark 10:42-45).
Sadly, many husbands have used their God-given position in their homes for selfish purposes, and often other Christians have unwittingly endorsed them. These husbands believe that they have license to do or demand anything they want, and that their wives are supposed to comply. This ought not to be!