The Abuser and Satan’s Devices
Sermon 7 from the series: The Psychology and Methods of Sin
A 21 sermon series on domestic violence and abuse
First given on September 5, 2010
Sermon Text: Hebrews 4:12
Couples counseling can end up being a big setback for the abused woman. The more she insists that her husband’ s cruelty or intimidation needs to be addressed, the more she may find the therapist/counselor looking down at her, saying, ‘It seems like you are determined to put all the blame on him and are refusing to look at your part in this.’ The counselor thereby inadvertently echoes the abuser’s attitude, and the woman is forced to deal with yet another context in which she has to defend herself. Most counselors in such circumstances are well intentioned but fail to understand the dynamics of abuse and allow the abuser to shape their perceptions of the situation. [Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?]
Irene, an abused woman who tells her own story in public and has appeared on several panels with me, shares the following account: She had been in couples counseling for about 6 months with her husband, Quentin, when one day the therapist decided it was time to get the ball rolling. He said, ‘These sessions have gradually stopped going anywhere, and I think I know why. Irene, you’re not opening up very much, and I think you need to take more emotional risks,’ Irene felt that the therapist was right; she had in fact been exposing very little week to week. So she decided to take the plunge. She told the therapist about Quentin’s abuse of her, which included considerable physical violence and the downward emotional spiral she had been in as a result. Quentin appeared moved and shaken, his eyes reddening as if he might cry at any moment. ‘I have really been in denial about my violence.’ he told the therapist, ‘and I haven’t been facing how badly it has been affecting Irene.’ The therapist felt that a crucial barrier to progress had been overcome. ‘Now,’ he declared, ‘I think your couples work can begin to yield results for you.’
And so it did!
On the drive home from the session, Quentin kept one hand on the steering wheel. In the other hand, he clutched a large handful of Irene’s hair as he repeatedly slammed her head into the dashboard, screaming, ‘I told you to never (obscenity) talk to anyone about that, you ….! You promised me! You are a liar! And similar insults in a nonstop rant. After hearing Irene’ s account, I was careful to never again underestimate the risk to an abused woman of couples counseling. If couples counseling is the only type of help that your abuser is willing to get – because he wants to make sure that he can blame the problem on you – you may think, ‘Well, it’s better than not getting any counseling at all. And maybe the counselor will see the things he does and convince him to get help…It won’t happen. Increasingly, therapists across the United States and Canada are refusing to engage in couples or family sessions with an abuser . [Bancroft]
Christ is light. Christ is truth laid bare and wide open. Christ’s “yes” is “yes.” Christ is love, He is life, He can only speak truth.
But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible,
(14) for anything that becomes visible is light. Therefore it says, “Awake, O sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.” Eph 5:13-14 ESV
For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two- edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. (13) And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account. Hebs 4:12-13 ESV
Now, here is a question –
1 Samuel 16:7 ESV
(7) But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart.”
Psalms 90:8 ESV
(8) You have set our iniquities before you, our secret sins in the light of your presence.
Jeremiah 17:10 ESV
(10) “I the LORD search the heart and test the mind, to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds.”
1 Corinthians 4:5 ESV
(5) Therefore do not pronounce judgment before the time, before the Lord comes, who will bring to light the things now hidden in darkness and will disclose the purposes of the heart. Then each one will receive his commendation from God.
[I take these examples and descriptions from Patricia Evans’ book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship] –
a. Secrecy – this is HUGE and we will speak about it more in the future.
b. Surprise attack – the attack of abuse may come at any time, even in what appears to be a happy time.
c. Opposing the success and happiness of the victim.
e. The good guy/bad guy dagger. This is a particularly cruel weapon because it plays on a false trust to deceive the victim.
f. Isolation (solitary confinement) – in various ways – economic, control of communications, false statements about the victim to her friends and relatives – the abuser isolates his victim so she is more easily controlled.
The abuser who refuses to listen to his partner, denies her experience, and refuses to share himself with her is violating the primary agreement of a relationship. He is withholding.”
We have spoken freely to you, Corinthians; our heart is wide open.
(12) You are not restricted by us, but you are restricted in your own affections.
(13) In return (I speak as to children) widen your hearts also. (14) Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? 2 Corinthians 6:11-14 ESV
“Simply put, withholding is a choice to keep virtually all one’s thoughts, feelings, hopes, and dreams to oneself and to remain silent and aloof toward one’s partner, to reveal as little as possible, and to maintain an attitude of cool indifference. A confirmed verbal abuser may go on for months or years without attempting to engage his partner and without emphatically responding to her.
Withholding can go on for years because the partner (victim), after trying to engage her mate, may assume that he is, after all, a very quiet person, or totally self-contained or, maybe, extremely shy, or has come ‘hang up’ or is, maybe, slightly autistic. She can conjecture any one of these reasons for the verbal abuser’ s behavior MORE THAN SHE CAN CONCEIVE OF HIS REALITY! She may never doubt for a minute that he really does want to share himself with her.” [Evans]
But the reality of the abuser
is that he does NOT want to share
himself with her. His withholding
is a tactic of abuse.
One time I heard Mel tell his brother that he wondered what a certain actor was thinking during a dramatic scene in a movie we had seen. (I really couldn’ t recall Mel every saying he wondered about anything before). Later that evening I told him that I’d heard him mention this, and that I thought it was wonderful that he was expressing his thoughts that way, and that I’d love to have him share that kind of thing with me.
I thought, now, at last, he’ll understand. I have a concrete example for him. And not only that, I also thought that his sharing what he wondered about was probably a real breakthrough for him. He’ d always been so silent, except for jokes and occasional comments, that I had come to think he was sort of autistic. I told him that he might not have realized it, but I really was interested in his thoughts. I believed that if I told him that what he had said to his brother was the kind of thing I wanted him to share with me, he would understand and would talk to me. He never really did.
What confused me was that he said, ‘Oh, OK, I didn’ t think you’ d be interested.’ As if he understood, but he never really seemed to understand. [Evans]“Cora had a similar experience. She said, ‘I didn’t know what to do. For a while there, I thought that if I were somehow more interesting or entertaining or more intelligent or more well-read or more educated or something, he’d talk to me once in a while.’ Thoughtfully, she continued: ‘I guess I really started thinking that something was wrong when I was over at a friend’s house and her husband came in and started telling her about a fellow he met at the tennis court. I couldn’t remember Curt sharing like that. Being with Curt was a lonely experience.” [Evans]
- There’ s nothing to talk about
- What do you want me to say?
- What are you complaining about; I do talk to you
- You never let me talk
- Why should I tell you if I like it;
you’ll do what you want anyway
- You wouldn’t be interested[Evans]
Now consider the effects of withholding. It makes the victim think something is wrong with her. It denies her the intimacy that marriage is designed for, and in most cases reserves that intimacy for someone else – like the abuser’s buddies.
Intimacy in a relationship must go beyond “I’ll be late tonight,” or “Where’s my hammer?” or “The car is almost out of gas.” The withholder is comfortable at this level. But to move on to intimacy, to enter into “Oh, that’s a good idea. I see what you mean.” or “Well, what are your thoughts on this?” or “You look like something is bothering you. What is it?” – these are arenas the withholder/abuser will not enter.
Nan recognized countering when she had the following interaction. She agreed with Ned, repeating a statement he had made, and then she noticed that Ned immediately countered the statement! She then repeated his counter, agreeing with it, and Ned countered that. Here is the interaction –
Ned: That lamp shade doesn’t go with the lamp.
Nan: Oh, yeah, the lamp shade doesn’t go with the lamp.
Ned: It does too go with the lamp.
Nan: Oh, the shade goes with the lamp.
Ned: You can’t say it goes with it when the color’s off.
Nan: Oh, I see, the color is off.
Ned: That’s no what’s wrong with it.
Nan: I’m trying to find out what you mean.
Ned: No, you’re not. You’re twisting my words around!
As strange as this interaction is, it is not at all uncommon. Countering truly blocks all communication and all possibility of intimacy.” [Evans]
Listen to Jeremiah 17:9-10 –
The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? (10) “I the LORD search the heart and test the mind, to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds.
“Mr. Right considers himself the ultimate authority on every subject under the sun; you might call him ‘Mr. Always Right.” He speaks with absolute certainty (even about subjects he has not studied at all). He brushes your opinions aside like annoying gnats. He seems to see the world as a huge classroom, in which HE is the teacher, and YOU are his student. He finds little of value in your thoughts or insights, so he seeks to empty out your head and fill it up with HIS jewels of brilliance.
When Mr. Right sits in one of my groups for abusive men, he often speaks of his partner as if she were in danger from her own idiocy and he needs to save her from herself. Mr. Right has difficulty speaking to his partner – or about her- without a ring of condescension in his voice. And in a conflict his arrogance gets even worse.
Mr . Right’ s superiority is a convenient way for him to get what he wants. When he and his partner are arguing about their conflicting desires, he turns it into a clash between Right and Wrong or between Intelligence and Stupidity. He ridicules and discredits her perspective so that he can escape dealing with it. Here is a conversation I had with a Mr. Right whom I worked with in one of my abuser groups:
Bancroft: Pat, do you have any abusive behaviors to report from this past week?
Pat: Well, I did yell at Gwen once and called her (foul name). We were fighting about money as usual. [It would be interesting to ask Gwen if this was a fight. She may well have simply voiced an opinion]
Bancroft: What was Gwen’ s perspective in the argument?
Pat: She thinks money grows on trees.
Bancroft: So, Gwen said that money grows on trees?
Pat: Well no, not just like that. But that’ s how she acts.
Bancroft: Let’ s try again. What was she saying in the argument?
Pat: She thinks we have enough money to get both of the children whole new sets of clothes. But we just bought all new stuff for them only a few weeks ago. And we just don’t have it in the bank right now.
Bancroft: Does Gwen agree that the last round of shopping was only a few weeks ago?
Pat: No, she says it was 4 months ago, at the beginning of the summer, which is ridiculous. I can remember that the summer was more than half over.
Bancroft: So her memory is different from yours. Did she say why she thinks it was earlier?
Pat: Of course not, she’ s…W ell, maybe she said something about how she remembers she paid the credit card bill for those clothes while the children were still in school. But she’s wrong.
Bancroft: Now, you said that the money simply isn’ t there. Gwen obviously thinks differently. Where does she think the money should come from?
Pat: I already told you, she wants me to be a magician who can just make it appear .
Bancroft: But she must have been making points about it. What was she saying?
Pat: Oh, I don’t know…She says that we should sell our car and get a piece of junk,, which would just end up costing us more in the long run, plus I don’ t want to deal with it.
Bancroft: What do you drive now?
Pat: A SAAB
Bancroft: Let me guess. She would like to trade the SAAB in on a reliable car that has lower monthly payments, cheaper parts, and fewer repair bills.
Pat: Y eah! That’ s what I said! – a piece of junk!
What Pat revealed in this exchange was that each time Gwen attempts to voice her opinion or put forth her views, he twists her statements to make them sound absurd.
This is countering, and it is wicked, wicked, wicked.
“When Mr. Right decides to take control of a conversation, he switches into his Voice of Truth, giving the definitive pronouncement on what is the correct answer or the proper outlook. Abuse counselors call this tactic defining reality.
Over time, his tone of authority can cause his partner [or those close to him who are subject to his abuse like his children or like victims in a church], to doubt her own judgment and come to see herself as not very bright. I notice how often I am speaking with the intelligent-sounding partner of one of my abuser-clients, only to have her say to me, ‘I’m not that smart.’ The abuser WANTS her to doubt her mental abilities in this way, so he can control her better.
Besides knowing all about the world, Mr. Right is also an expert on YOUR life and how you should live it. He has the answers to your conflicts at work, how you should spend your time, and how you should raise your children. He is especially knowledgeable about YOUR faults, and he likes to inventory what is wrong with you, as if tearing you down were the way to improve you. He may seem to enjoy periodically straightening you out in front of other people to humiliate you, thereby establishing his unquestionable intellectual superiority. [Though the normal practice is to do this when he has you alone]. [Bancroft]
What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? (2) You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. James 4:1-2 ESV
(the above link is a link to the audio of this sermon at sermon audio.)
Go back to Part 6 of this Series
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I am realizing that DARVO -deny, attack, reverse victim order – is extremely convincing and that is what works for my evil ex.
The twisting that makes him the victim instead of the abuse that I had to get a restraining order from when he was charged with assault and removed from the home – none of that is taken into account. The child protection line is that I have to separate what he did to me from how he treats our small child. When ever he is called out on treating our daughter who he has 1/2 custody of abusively, and she gets injured, he suddenly becomes the victim and my evil intention becomes the focus -his line is that I want to put him in jail and the abuse that is done to our daughter gets minimized and the child protection people once again deem him safe. Now she has been intimidated to not tell (protects him) if he hurts her, she was in a cast a few months ago from a mystery injury but because she didn’t say what went on they could not do anything, even though she told me that her arm “might have gotten twisted back.”
Thank you Starlight. DARVO. I haven’t heard of that acronym before but it certainly is accurate. Wisdom. I hope your daughter can be removed from any custody or visitation by him, but we all know how the courts typically treat children as owned property.
It’s in research studies about abusers. It’s what abusers do, Deny the abuse, Attack the victim (look to smear her and say things to discredit her in others’ eyes) and Reverse Victim and Offender. The perp claims to be the real victim in it all, saying his target is actually the offender and perp.
Your story is common, Starlight. I am sorry for both you and your child. One thing I heard about was making a routine habit, whenever the kid comes back from dad, to check them all over, right away, for markings, bruises, burns, tender spots. I don’t know how old your child is or how exactly the moms did this, but it was done so the mom was protected from false accusations of abuse for bruises she didn’t put on the child, and then dad’s abuse of the child is spotted right away, within minutes of being with dad, and that takes away the pressure of having the child talk. So even if she protects her dad, or is too scared to say anything, the discovery is from you inspecting her. I’m thinking the kids were really young but I did hear of other moms doing this. Not sure how they did it or how they explained it to the kid, but if bruises or burns or marks were found, out came the camera phone, taking pics, with time and date stamps automatically recorded with each digital pic taken.
Much abuse isn’t physical, and rather scars the mind and spirit of the child, but I don’t know of any helpful tips for detecting that and dealing with that in a child. Where there is physical abuse, there’s also emotional/psychological abuse going on, kind of like where there’s smoke, there’s fire.
Most abusers who try for custody, even after being known as wifebeaters, get shared or full custody. One study said 70 percent of the time, abusers were successful in smearing the mom as unfit, unstable, etc. and given full custody.
Also, the parental alienation syndrome is complete baloney. It’s proven to be baloney. And if the court is decent and the judge bothers to know about DV, the judge will throw that whole baloney out. It was entirely fabricated by this psychologist, who became a key expert witness, complete with his ‘expert witness fees’ (money, money, money — abusers pay a pretty penny to wage war against the woman so as to ensure they hurt her where it hurts the most — her kids and her parenting and custody) and research studies disproved this fraudster’s claims long ago, yet it still persists today, with abuser dads falsely claiming the moms are turning the kids against them, blah, blah, blah.
Hoping the best for you and your child, Starlight.
Parental alienation is indeed bogus. Thank you.
You (Starlight) said: “The child protection line is that I have to separate what he did to me from how he treats our small child.”
That CPS worker obviously doesn’t know what they are talking about and are probably likely insultingly assuming you are some scorned, vindictive, woman attempting to make life miserable for your ex, via the kid.
What a crock! I’m sorry they said that to you, Starlight.
DV is child abuse. Witnessing their mom being harmed, abused, beaten, and growing up in a climate of fear, dread, tension, intimidation, domination, etc. is detrimental to the child’s well-being. There are many research studies about this. The deleterious effects are many. Some kids start wetting the bed, nightmares, others regress behaviorally, anxiety and depression markers are seen, aggression is displayed in others, I mean the list is long. The stress of the abuse shows up in their brain’s development. Being abused scars the brain, creates grooves, and wires things differently than those without traumatic experiences.
What better way to abuse a child without laying a hand on them, than to abuse, terrorize, and harm their mother while they helplessly watch?
But abusers are great at what they do and their deception skills, impression management, and charm are really effective tactics. So, I’m not surprised that CPS seems to have been duped by him and made into allies of him. Sorry, Starlight.
Pastor Crippen… Our daughter (and grandchild), are in the middle of an annulment/divorce and custody eval from a truly wicked man. Her dad and I thank God they are physically safe under our roof.The eval was ordered by her “husband” to try to prove she is unfit to parent. Even though we have given him more than the recommended parenting time, he is attacking from all sides and continues to drag us to court over and over but says we should pay his legal fees.. he is saying our daughter is alienating the (grandchild) from him. He is a professing Christian and used scripture to control our daughter. anyway.. we are in the middle of a living hell.
My question is, how are we to pray in this situation. Specifically. It’s confusing. I have been praying that God would take his heart of stone and replace it with a heart of flesh; that God would use all worldly authorities to bring him to his knees in repentance, that he would truly sorrow over his sinful abuse. How else should we pray for him and for myself? I feel like maybe God is allowing more pain because I am missing the mark with my own heart.
(Eds note: comment edited for safety)
I always tell people who are dealing with these abusers (especially the “christian” ones) to base all their decisions and prayers on two points: 1) Abusers never change. Never. and 2) A marriage to an abuser does not need to be fixed, it needs to be ended.
The kind of man you are dealing with is like Esau for whom repentance is impossible. He is the man of Hebrews 6:4ff who has tasted of God’s gracious gift in Christ but then despised it. He has no conscience. Therefore my prayer regarding such people comes from the imprecatory Psalms. That is to say, I pray that God would destroy them and rescue the victims.
Psa 10:15-18 Break the arm of the wicked and evildoer; call his wickedness to account till you find none. (16) The LORD is king forever and ever; the nations perish from his land. (17) O LORD, you hear the desire of the afflicted; you will strengthen their heart; you will incline your ear (18) to do justice to the fatherless and the oppressed, so that man who is of the earth may strike terror no more.