The following is a transcription of a hand-written letter received by one of our blog followers, an abuse survivor. Abused by her abuser and, so typical, by her church as well. The letter was anonymous except of course to claim it is from a fellow Christian “who loves” the victim and her family, including her abuser. I will refer to the letter-writer as “her” because the writing looks to be by a female hand. Here you go. Note it is addressed to the victim AND the abuser. After all, you know, marriage “troubles” are ALWAYS 50-50 shared blame. (I have bold-faced terms in the letter which the writer underlined) –
Dear _____ & _______
I want to start by saying, I love you guys!
I would also like to clunk your heads together!
So I propose a few questions, and insights with (illegible),
If either of you had a broken bone, would you go to the doctor? Would you get a cast or brace? Therapy on that body part to make it be back to the most strength possible?
If you had cancer (which may God graciously forbid) would you have surgery to remove it? Radiology? Chemo?
If you had a heart attack, would you have stints or a bypass? Change your diet? Exercise?
Of course you would!
You are two, intelligent, hard-working believer! You both profess you love the Lord! Now its time to Trust Him! Therefore, let’s cut the crap! Let’s stop playing 5th grade ‘he said,’ ‘she said.’ You have both made some horrific choices. We ALL have! But whatever you have been doing these past 2 years, IS NOT working! The way I see it, you’re both incredibly selfish, full of pride and childish!
Yes – no denying some terrible unexcusable things have happened. For this, I AM SO SORRY!
But – here is what I know. Your 3 beautiful children are watching you! They are the real sufferers here. You are doing them a huge disservice. Your actions & how you treat each other is impacting them – and WILL – the rest of their lives. Time to move forward, and forgive!
Marriage is tough – 2 sinners living together, raising more sinners. Divorce – separation is worse than death! This is a personal thing for me, and a real experience. This is what your teaching your kids. Come on guys. REALLY?
I’m not asking you to ‘get back together,’ right now…but it’s time to Work! You are both a HOT MESS! But, can you dig deep, for your children? I will not give up on you two!
I am so thankful your issues were broguth to light. I will not pick a side – from my own experience I pick your kids! Be sorry, be humble, be honest! Be sorry! Truly sorry! Please don’t take the road of hate! God put you together, he gave you 3 beautiful gifts. It’s time to move forward. Get the help needed. I am pleading with you to get intense marriage counseling. You can yess, scream, and get it all out. At the minimum, TRY!
If you do this, and then there is no hope, well, I’ll be sad! I know there is hope. Please have FAITH in God. That there is
It’s time! Your kids need you both! Start being honest with each other. God forgives ALL! Not trying – is lack of faith in God. You cannot show fruits without this faith.
-Matthew 8:26 ‘And he saith unto them, Why are ye fearful, O ye of little faith? Then he arose, and rebuked the winds, and the sea; and there was A GREAT CALM.’
-2 Chronicles 7:14 If my people which are called by my name shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.
You guys are healable! HAVE FAITH! We love you – we are here for you both! We pray continually for your family! Please, please, please go together to counseling! The Ravines** is a good start! Get the tools needed to be together. Love, __________
** Asteriks are mine. I found this quote about the Ravines Retreat Center online. No way do I ever recomment these kinds of things to people, let alone sending an abuse victim and her abuser to this nonsense!
“The Ravines is a retreat center for marriages in crisis and for those who have lost their focus – where marriage struggles have become too much to bear. The Ravines offers Christian intensive marriage counseling to help couples pick up the pieces of their broken (or breaking) relationship, creating a deeper and closer marriage.
We provide a three-day Couples Counseling Intensive experience where couples can find hope, healing and restoration in their relationship. Couples receive Christ-centered therapy in a private setting and are given the uninterrupted time needed to work through difficult and painful issues.”
You all can no doubt see how, at best, stupid this lady is and most likely, how arrogant and self-exalting she is. Her letter is a typical formula for an abuse victim getting deeper and deeper into bondage. Just a few points which you have all probably seen for yourself:
- The letter begins and ends with a claim of “love.” “I love you guys!” This statement is a cover for the blasts that are about to follow in the letter. All is excusable because, you know, she says it in “love.”
- Notice the amazing number of exclamation marks, all-caps, and underlining. The letter really is written in an assaultive “I would like to clunk your heads together!” mindset.
- She has NO (oops, all caps) idea of what abuse is. None. To her, there is only one problem in any marriage – a two-way shared blame street of selfishness and poor communication.
- Her theology is anti-biblical. She insists that Christians are all still sinners, she denies that God’s wrath is on anyone, she insists that there is “hope” for everyone. In other words, there was hope for Pharaoh back in the Exodus days. I guess he just needed to go to the counseling center. “God forgives all.” Nope. No He doesn’t. That is why there is a hell.
- She prescribes couple’s counseling while having no real idea of the abuse that is going on.
- She thinks that all husbands and wives are sinners and that therefore marriage is always tough, but never is it anything that can’t be fixed in a 3-day “intensive.” I hate that term. “Intensive.” Intensive terror is what it is.
- She is very, very accusatory. She throws the dart of lack of faith, of selfishness, of childishness, and more.
- For her, staying in a marriage is always the best for the children. She insists that an abuse victim (though she doesn’t even know about abuse) must remain in the marriage for the children’s well-being no matter what.
- And did you notice this statement? “Yes – no denying some terrible unexcusable things have happened. For this, I AM SO SORRY!” Now, just what is she talking about? I suspect this means she (and probably the whole church) is aware of some of the abuse that the abuser has perpetrated on the victim! And she says that what she knows about is “terrible and unexcusable.” She is “sorry” that this happened, but nevertheless the victim is to forgive and forget and return.
- Anonymous. Why? How dare anyone say these kinds of things, intrude into someone’s personal life, and then refuse to identify themselves?
In the everyday affairs of life, it is illegal to impersonate a medical doctor. You can’t just hang a shingle out and tell people you are a doctor, start seeing patients, and prescribing medications and treatments. But in the church! Well, here is this lady announcing that she knows. She knows the problems and she knows the answers. Not surprising that her prescriptions will result in disaster, increased suffering, ruined lives, and even death.
I don’t know if this lady will ever see this post, but in the off-chance that she does – “Madam, you are not loving. You do not know God’s Word. You are at best a fool. You are the one who needs to be sorry, who needs to be humble, and who needs to be quiet.”