Gen 3:1 Now the serpent was more crafty than any other beast of the field that the LORD God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God actually say, ‘You shall not eat of any tree in the garden’?”
Over the years in this ministry to abuse victims, I have been contacted numbers of times by people (mostly men) who are domestic abusers and Christian pretenders. Their line is always pretty much the same: “I don’t want a divorce. I haven’t been a great husband, but that has all changed. I am willing to go to counseling with my wife but she refuses.” Done. Finished. Call ended. Communication over. Why?
Because he is a liar, just like his father the devil. Such wicked ones think they are sooo smart and crafty because they have been used to deceiving everyone and gaining them as allies against their target. But in fact, they are fools. No one who was truly repentant would:
- Call me and ask for my assistance
- Pressure the victim to go to counseling
- Oppose the divorce
- Quote the Bible
- Or even open their mouths – Job 40:4 “Behold, I am of small account; what shall I answer you? I lay my hand on my mouth.”
- Ask for her forgiveness (often in the form of a demand)
No, a truly repentant man would shut his mouth, be overcome with the weight of his sin, go away and leave the victim alone, and do all he could “from a far place” to send funds and provision to her but with no direct contact. And he would expect NOTHING in return. Nothing. He would lay all the blame where it belongs – on himself and he would plead with the Lord for salvation and forgiveness even though confessing he is the worst of sinners, deserving of hell.
Oh, and he would NEVER start a “ministry” to help or counsel others. Never (yet we see this kind of thing all the time).
So the moment an abuser phones or emails me, I know what he is. I know that all his claims are lies and furthermore I know that he is never going to change and that I am wasting my time if I try to help him.
This is why I am so critical of “ministries” that focus on counseling and teaching abusers with the goal of “fixing” the marriage. Oh, I know they make claims that they have seen “real results” through their ministry to abusers, but I don’t believe it is real change. Sometimes they aren’t dealing with abusers as we define them at all, but some “difficult” personality. But even then, I mean let’s be honest, which of us really wants to be married to a person who has to be pressured or taught to be kind to us? It would be a sham.
Fred is much better now since he went through this program for abusive men. The leaders are holding him accountable.
Ok, so Fred is a better husband now because he knows that the hammer is going to fall if he steps out of line. Yeah, that’s a real loving husband for you alright.
I hold to my basic anchors which I encourage everyone to found their decisions on:
- Abusers (as we define them and know them here) never change.
- A marriage to an abuser does not need to be fixed, it needs to be ended.
Because as soon as you stop talking to and listening to the abuser, you will also stop being fogged and deceived by the devil’s lies.
And that is why I never talk to abusers. Don’t call me. Don’t email me. It isn’t gonna work.